In early 2022, I wrote an article about how I was giving up on dating apps. That lasted about…two months.
It felt good to give myself a break from actively seeking romance, but I’ve been back out there, ready to give it another shot.
Since going back on the apps, I’ve noticed I’m being “pickier.” Where before I was trying to keep an open mind, give people chances, not judge a book by its cover, etc., now, I’m realizing that my time is precious—I know what I’m looking for, and I know how to spot red flags.
I’ve also learned how to trust myself and my gut instinct. If that little bell goes off, I listen to it. Sometimes, there’s no real rhyme or reason to it, but I’ve learned almost always my initial reaction is right.
Being judgmental is different than having standards. I don’t swipe left based on the colour of someone’s hair or their height, for example. But there are a few things I’ve learned that tell me this person isn’t right for me.
Here are a few things that I consider deal breakers on dating apps:
- They speak negatively about women in their bios. I see a lot of men who put down other women as a way of showing the type that they are looking for. It reminds me a lot of negging—as if we’ll want his validation that we’re better than those women he’s talking about and match with him. Why not list the positive traits that you are looking for instead? Why put down others? For me, it’s an immediate swipe left.
- Their profile is all about drinking. LJ five years ago might’ve thought this meant they were a fun time, but LJ now knows this is a red flag. If drinking is your entire personality, it tells me that you’re trying to escape, numb, or mask something in your life. I’m looking for a partner who has well-rounded interests, cares about their health, and has done (some) work on themselves. If your hobbies are “alcohol…and any alcohol,” I’m going to be swiping left.
- All mirror selfies. I don’t think I need to explain this one too much.
- I can’t tell which one you are. If every photo is a group photo except for the last one, and the other guys in the photo are more attractive, it tells me you lack self-confidence. It tells me that you’re trying to lure in a match by showing your better-looking friends in the hopes that someone might swipe early on. I feel bad in these cases—I wish they knew they had just as much to offer—but not bad enough to go on a date with them. Remember: confidence is sexy.
- If they “don’t know yet” what they’re looking for. That’s totally fair, and I always appreciate the honesty. But I do know what I’m looking for. I don’t want to waste time with someone who isn’t on the same page as me. Women especially can be afraid of saying we’re looking for a relationship for fear it’s going to push a dating prospect away or come across as too intense. But that’s exactly what it should do: if they run away because you’re looking for commitment, then they weren’t the right person to begin with.
Dating can be a numbers game, but our time is also valuable. As much as we have to put ourselves out there, meet lots of different types of people, we also have to protect ourselves, our energy, and money (dating is expensive!).
These deal breakers help me weed out partners who I already know won’t be a good match from the get-go.
We should save our time for the ones who at least meet our standards and then, maybe, let them surprise us from there.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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