You can’t control everything.
Life will pelt you with rocks and blizzards. And you’ll need to duck and move as your try to find your way through.
And while there are lots of ways you can learn and improve as you go, the greatest impact comes from some simple yet powerful choices we all must face.
Here we go.
Who you choose to spend your life with
Let’s start with the uber biggie. Because your partner makes a big difference.
Get this wrong and you’ll waste years — maybe even a lifetime — of valuable resources trying to fix something that should be your rock. This is time you won’t have to achieve the ultimate you.
Do your paths align? Do you both want kids? How do you both handle conflict? Are they co-dependent?
These things matter. But before you start trying to analyse others, get to know yourself.
A lot of people don’t like being single because they don’t know how to be alone. So they dive into relationships and paste over the ugly parts to fool themselves into thinking it’s a worthwhile investment. They could lose a lifetime never realising what they really want.
How sad is that?
You’re worth more than tolerating a poor partner. And you deserve to be happy.
Do yourself a favour and pick the right person. Or decide you prefer being alone on your terms (not because you’re afraid, but because you’re comfortable).
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Where you live
Some people need sunshine, some need to be near family, and others crave convenience. You need to weigh what you need to be the best you.
Maybe you’ll be fine if you move one town over. Or maybe the other side of the world. Maybe you want to be somewhere with a burgeoning live comedy scene. Or perhaps you want to be close to the country so you can walk your dogs through forests.
Be honest with yourself about the kind of life you want, and pick somewhere that’s going to get you close to this.
I made the decision to move to the other side of the world a decade ago and I love it here. It ticks the boxes I need, for now anyway.
There are always trade-offs, but that doesn’t mean you have to settle.
Where will your life take you?
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What you do for fun
Getting smashed every weekend is fun for most people, but does it help? And is it really a hobby?
I’ve worked in recruitment for a long time, and I’m always blown away by how few interests people list on their CV. Other than generic things like socialising, reading, and travel, it seems people have less and less interest in interests.
But hobbies are a great way to learn cool things while having fun. This isn’t some hustle-bro productivity propaganda. It’s just why wouldn’t you want to do things that are enjoyable and also make you better?
In chess they call it ‘gaining a tempo’ — the idea you can kill two birds with one stone, or get ahead quicker in less moves. Do your hobbies do that?
I started chess and Brazilian jiu-jitsu because both are fun, workout my mind, and build strategic thinking. And BJJ helps with fitness. Both hobbies are therefore super useful in my role as a leader at work.
Some people need a creative outlet. Some need stress release. Others just want to move and feel active.
Whatever you can do to find fulfilment in your free time, do it. Even if it’s small. You can learn a language, become competent at poker, learn woodworking, or become a mixologist, all in fifteen minutes a day.
Do your hobbies serve you?
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How you handle and respond to the bad stuff
What’s the story you tell yourself about the struggles you face?
When things go wrong, people feel unlucky. Like the world is out to get them. But they’re missing lessons from the universe because they’re not seeing them as lessons.
If you haven’t already, try reprogramming. Reframe negatives as opportunities for growth.
Yes there are of course bad moments. And it’s important to give these the time and respect they deserve. Be honest with yourself about the emotions, but also recognise that eventually you have a choice. Do you see yourself as having agency in your life, or do you feel like life is beating you up? Both are completely true if you believe them, and you’ll shape the texture of your life accordingly.
If your relationship with failure is a healthy, constructive one, your level-up-timeline will be much quicker. But it starts with being able to recognise the lessons in the losses. And feeling empowered to take action on them.
So what will it be? Do you live your life, or is it something happening to you?
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What you do for money
“Love and work are crucial for human happiness because, when done well, they draw us out of ourselves and into connection with people and projects beyond ourselves” — Jonathan Haidt
You don’t have to love your job. It doesn’t need to be a calling. And it doesn’t need to be your passion.
But if you’re going to spend an average of 40 hours a week doing something, it should at least be something that:
- You can get pleasure from
- Is worth the time you spend on it
- Teaches you skills
- Gives you the flexibility to follow other projects
- Opens doors to other opportunities
- Is with people who enrich you
- Gives you a sense of satisfaction
Maybe you’re lucky and your work ticks all these boxes.
But happiness isn’t just about addition, it’s also about what you don’t have. As in, what problems don’t come into your life because of the work you do.
Is the job stressful? Do you work unsociable hours and not see friends or family? Is the job questionable or forces you to do things that don’t align with your view on the world? Is it repetitive and dull? Are your colleagues awful people?
Not everyone has the luxury of being able to choose where they work. If you do, exercise that choice.
You owe it to those who can’t. And you owe it to yourself.
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Conclusion
Life will throw you curveballs. You need to be ready to duck and dive.
This is a lot easier if you get certain key decisions right. These are:
- Who you partner up with (if anyone)
- Where you live
- What you do for fun
- The mindset you cultivate around the bad times
- What you do for money
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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