I grew up in with a very religious mother, and to say I was a “Jesus girl” would be underselling it. Had I been Catholic, I would have become a nun. I read through the entire bible twice and had copious amounts memorized. I was one of those “sold out,” born again believers. And even though I have lost my faith, there are seeds of what I grew up believing that still cling to me — making it difficult to proceed with my life and relationships in healthy, balanced ways. Here are five of the biggest evangelical beliefs that still haunt my words and actions.
1. Belief that I must be “above reproach”
The idea that I was called to be blameless weighed heavy on me. How that translated into my everyday life is that it made setting boundaries very difficult. I wanted to make sure that everyone in my life had every opportunity to do their best. I would provide them with comfort, forgiveness, and time to make mistakes and try to do better. I wanted to make sure that at the end of everything, anyone looking in could say that I did my best to be loving, kind, and gracious. No one could point a finger at me because I had done everything I could.
This is still hard for me. I will often take “the high road” and apologize when I shouldn’t. This is harmful for two reasons: 1. It suppresses the truth of my experience and 2. It creates a dishonest framework for dealing with conflict. For example, in my old school I was in charge of creating a new intervention process for students who chronically got into trouble. This created some tension between me and the assistant principals who usually assigned disciplinary action. It actually created a lot of tension. What I should have done is have an honest conversation about how the whole scope of my job was to create change. Change is inconvenient. It is uncomfortable. It will create stress. But I was afraid of the confrontation. I knew that there were hard feelings and it was just a lot easier to be nice and try to be flexible so that when I had battles I needed to win, I could go to my principal and he would know I was “above reproach.” It is a take the high road every time kind of strategy, and as righteous as that may sound, it can be very damaging.
I guess what it does is create a dynamic where being a victim is some kind of badge because, well, at least I wasn’t a bitch.
2. Belief that suffering is noble
This is basically the whole reason I got married for the first time. I was young and he had two children. I felt like he needed me. I didn’t really love him, but I felt a sense of obligation. Luke 12:48 says, “For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required; and to whom much has been committed, of him they will ask the more.” I believed that since I had a great capacity for patience and love, that it was my responsibility to heal broken people — even marry them.
I befriended people I didn’t particularly enjoy because I thought they needed a friend. I would have fantasies about getting really sick and winning people to Christ through my ability to handle it all with such joy and grace. I know, now, that it is crazy to believe that way — or to marry someone out of a misguided sense of duty, but it still creeps into my life in unexpected ways sometimes. I tend to struggle with the notion that I was created to suffer because I can handle it. It’s toxic and I’m trying to weed it out where I recognize it.
3. Belief that submission is powerful
Proverbs 31 talks about the character of a Godly woman. She is the guiding force behind everything, and through her service and devotion, she creates the home and strengthens her husband. She is the guiding force of her family, but behind the scenes and only through submission. So, a woman’s power, I always believed, was in her tenderness and unwavering work ethic.
As it turns out, being sweet isn’t enough to keep anyone safe in an abusive household. Submission doesn’t change anyone with ill intent — it just paves the way for their actions to be all the more harmful. I tried to “good woman” my way through a lot of abuse. And do you know how many times it worked? Zero. Zero times.
4. Belief that my body is not my own
I grew up believing my body was sacred, a gift to the man God had chosen for me. It never occurred to me that I had any say in sex — if I wanted it or not, what my preferences might be. My body was duty bound to my husband. I heard from the pulpit that it was my responsibility to stay attractive and to make sure my husband was satisfied.
Since sex never really belonged to me, it took me a long time to realize what my boundaries were. Honestly, I still struggle with it. I still feel the weight of responsibility to satisfy the needs of a man before my own. I still struggle to define my worth outside of my desirability, outside of what I can offer physically. It has been a monumental mind-fuck, and not in a sexy way.
5. Belief that I will “reap what I sow”
The idea that if you do good things you will receive good things is not necessarily biblical, but I grew up in the name it, claim it movement so it felt like it. It this context, if I wanted to experience success as a person, I just had to invest in Godly pursuits. If I tithed regularly, then my finances would reflect prosperity. If I sowed kindness and gentleness, my relationships would be safe and plentiful. If I sowed devotion to my partner, I would receive devotion in turn.
But again, this is not how things work. Many people I knew struggled to pay the bills, yet tithed what they couldn’t afford faithfully. They struggled in abusive relationships and had a hard time making friends. What this demonstrated to them and the rest of the church who might care to notice was that they were doing something wrong. Because obviously, if one is sowing properly, there will be evidence of it in their lives. This lead to the Christian super pac — or cool kids club. Being a part of that group felt amazing, but the minute things went sideways, it was alarming how quickly people were tossed to the sidelines.
To a certain extent, it is true that you get what you give. However, giving in order to control the outcome or steer others into behaving how you wish is a recipe for disaster. I still struggle with this — especially when I am giving all I can and being as sweet and understanding as possible. I feel myself slipping into a “what am I doing wrong” mentality. It has kept me in more than a few bad relationships.
So, now what?
Overcoming religious ideology that has been deeply rooted is challenging to say the least. I have to constantly evaluate why I am responding to relationships the way I do. It’s an act of constant vigilance. If you are finding yourself in negative relationship loops, and you have a religious background, I encourage you to ask yourself if you carry any damaging core beliefs. Relationships (all kinds) should serve as a place where you can feel safe and empowered. If they are not, maybe it’s time to do a little deep digging.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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