If you’re like the overwhelming majority of my male clients you’re sick and tired with how often you’re ghosted by women. Also, if you’re like the overwhelming majority of my male clients you’re unaware of these five following hard truths.
Have a read, apply them to your texting strategy, and thank me later.
You ready?!
Here come the pain!
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1: She doesn’t care about you.
Ever seen that movie Black Mirror Episode where people are matched with their ideal partners via online algorithms? Where, once they’ve matched, they pour all of their energies into getting to know each other at the expense of everyone else? Well, the first central mistake men make in online dating is thinking that women approach matching them the way they did in that episode.
The truth is this: even an averagely attractive woman gets a match every 3rd time she swipes right and can tally up a massive number of matches in just a single 30-minute swipe session. This means you don’t occupy some special place in her heart; you’re just one of many men she’s somewhat interested in.
Her right swipe doesn’t mean she thinks you’re the man of her dreams. It might, that’s possible, but it’s more likely to mean that she’s curious. However, curious doesn’t mean she’s sold on you, not by a long shot.
You have the potential to become the most important thing in her life, but right now, you’re nothing to her. Also, unless your conversation is emotionally stimulating, she’ll abandon you for another man faster than you can say, ‘Was it something I said?’
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2: She’s looking for an excuse to discredit you.
If you don’t believe me, take the recent man vs bear debate online as proof. Most women have various degrees of mistrust for men they don’t know and are actively trying to spot red flags so they can dodge bullets.
They’re all worried about meeting someone who might harm them or is just boring and weird and as a result, are going over your messages with a fine-tooth comb, looking for an excuse to cut you off. Also, she’s probably a bit overwhelmed by her matches and trying to burn through them as quickly as possible.
Realise this: any joke that doesn’t land increases your chances of being ghosted exponentially. Any comment that could be taken in either a positive or negative light will be given the worst interpretation possible and have you abandoned faster than a New Year’s resolution in February.
Make sure that the meaning of your messages is clear and that your black ass isn’t dull.
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3: Your goal isn’t to get to know her. It’s to make her want to get to know you.
As alluded to earlier, a mistake men make is assuming that a match means a woman’s sold on him when it actually means she’s just somewhat interested in him. Asking getting-to-know-you questions like:
- What do you do for a living?
- Where do you live?
- Where were you born?
Assumes genuine interest in the mind of the person you’re talking to. You think that they care enough about you to be interested in engaging in such uneventful talk when the truth is that most women you’ve matched don’t.
Your goal isn’t to provide her with information which will give her a clear picture of who you are as a person. Your aim isn’t to allow her to make an informed and intellectual decision on who you are.
Your goal is to make her think:
“Woah. Who is this guy? I’ve got to get to know him better.”
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And you don’t achieve that by telling her about yourself. You do it by stimulating her emotions.
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4: If she can’t see herself sleeping with you, she won’t date you
So much is said about the horndog who makes it clear he wants nothing else than to sample the delights of a woman’s vulva that we ignore the opposite and way more commonplace man.
This is the guy who is so concerned with looking like said horndog that he removes all shred of sexuality from his female interactions and comes across as neutered, pre-pubescent, gay, or a lovely, non-threatening friend.
Men like these don’t get dates, and if they do, they don’t get a second.
But why? Why is that?
Because something people fail to realise is that every single woman who’s on a dating site is looking for someone to have sex with. Whether that sex comes in the confines of a committed relationship or a raunchy fling, they still are looking for it, and if they don’t think they’ll get it from you (or that they’d enjoy it if they did), you’ll be discarded lickety-split.
The simple fact is that while you don’t want to come across like a sleazy sex addict, she still needs to feel like you’re someone she’d have sex with, too. This doesn’t mean hiding your sexuality but subtly demonstrating it in a way which doesn’t make her feel objectified or uncomfortable.
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5: Sometimes, life gets in the way
This might sound counterintuitive considering everything I’ve said so far, but I assure you it isn’t. Anyway, when women don’t respond to our texts, we tend to assume it’s because they’ve come to a firm decision that they want nothing to do with us, but probably not.
The biggest reason you didn’t get a reply is likely that your response didn’t emotionally stimulate them to the point where they felt compelled to, or life got in the way, and they forgot, or both. The odds are that they weren’t as emotionally invested in ghosting you as you think, and if you reach out again in a few days, you might get a response.
Now, the key here lies in exactly how you reach out. If you do so in a boring way by saying something like:
“Hey, are you there?”
You’re likely to continue to push her away.
If you do so in a witty/funny way by saying something like:
“Divorcing me already?”
You’re likely to get a chuckling response.
But anyway, there you have it; that’s the end of this post. Goodbye and ciao for now.
Excelsior!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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