5 Mistakes Silently Killing Men’s Relationships (Most Don’t Know)

It’s cheaper to learn relationship lessons before divorce.

Here are five.

1. Competence is relevant outside the office, garage, and yard.

Nobody tells most men they’re needed in the kitchen growing up. Few get assigned the task of cleaning the bathroom, washing pots, or changing sheets. It’s done for them. Around 1 in 4 children (nearly 18 million) in the U.S. grow up without a step, adoptive, or biological father. If a dad is present, they may not see him do these things for himself.

A man managing the home is rarely shown on television. For three seasons on ‘See Dad Run’, the dad’s shortcomings were the funny punchlines. He also had, paid for, and welcomed help. I could list many series with this trope. The few exceptions I remember are Nanny Fine (Niles as the butler) and Mrs. Doubtfire.

Otherwise, the women characters are just conveniently there. Ready to jump in. On the one-off condition, a guy character needs to learn such skills, a woman swoops in, saving the day. She’s there in the laundromat. She’s a phone call away. Each time, the several times, it happened in the recent hit, ‘Not Suitable for Work’. Super convenient for the plot moving along.

Nobody has to tell most men to take initiative at work. Nor remind them about key details of the project. But if the boss and his wife are coming over for dinner. It’s often forgotten to ask about food allergies. Even if he did ask, his boss would likely provide his partner’s number. So, the wives could handle the planning.

The lesson learned was invisible home labor is less important than noticeable work. It’s best to do manly duties or finish tasks you’d receive praise for.

The other underlying message was far darker. Especially since the two TV exceptions of men doing housework that I remember fall in the paid category. We’re conditioned to be providers; it’s unwise to take on round-the-clock housework. That’s performable for free if left to women.

2. Good leaders fulfil the needs of their team.

The definition of leadership doesn’t acknowledge the nourishing quality of this role. Google’s AI overview mentioned the ability to influence and inspire. A research-based meaning lists the key terms as commitment, direction, and alignment.

The average person knows a leader as someone who inspires or micromanages. LinkedIn, before its death, featured hundreds of posts reminding bosses to have empathy. Reminding managers good work culture begins with them. Reminding upper management they’re to give staff resources, not praise their resourcefulness.

Few know leaders are to also care for their team’s basic needs.

Everyone sees basic needs as food, clothing, and shelter. Until they know emotional pain.

That’s when you realize a statement like, “Tell me how to fix it, and I’ll fix it,” compounds the problem. Because you can ask the child. And tell this information to a doctor or nurse. But this professional can’t act unless they know if the child has allergies or is on any meds.

I guess that’s why men often say, “I love fatherhood rather than, I love my child[ren].” Because love requires you to see, know, understand, and memorize details about a person. That’s another bare minimum. Some dads knew before. Some realize this after the custody battles, other learn late in life when dependent on the kids they abandoned.

3. Existing in other people’s worlds requires an entry fee.

Most men know this before. Forget. Then, get reminded of the conditionality after divorce. Sometimes, there never was any waived or discounted access price.

You’re always made to pay. Made to beg for reciprocation.

When people still cared about dating apps, debates grew as they usually do. Some men grew tired of being the first to make contact.

Drive someone here or there. Fix an appliance. Pay for dinner. Think about how a few ladies respond to chivalry, like a door opened for them, if they’ve a boyfriend. A husband. A lover who has been feeling like more lately. You’re either the funny guy, the nice guy, the best friend, or the good-looking guy to be in long women friendships.

You’re not seen as a person. But for your potential ability to do for others.

4. Love entitles you to nothing. Nor is it self-centered selfishness.

It’s a hard situation to watch in the movie ‘Obsession.’

You can do everything imaginable, and someone won’t love you.

Yet, it happens and goes mostly unnoticed in everyday interactions. Then, “the divorce comes out of nowhere.” Both men and women feel as if they have to earn love. Each does so in different ways. Some men act like nice, helpful guys. Some women give gf/wifey treatment in situationships.

One significant contributor is the conditioning of men versus women. Womenhood teaches girls their time isn’t theirs. They follow in other women’s footsteps, busying themselves with housework. The men hang out. Sometimes, one or two get prompted to do an activity. Afterward, the boy(s) around watch as that man gets thanked, gets a light peck, or waits around for either reward.

Seek the man out. Ask the man to help. Reward him afterward. All these things make a man feel wanted. If you read incel talk, it’s all code for “Why can’t women seek me out the way I’d put myself out there to go after them? Why can’t they want me for me?”

When insecure and rejection-sensitive, it’s easier to view a woman as the prize. Because he imagines she will become his world and he won’t have to put himself out there again. Ever. She will focus on you. She will depend on you, thus validating your (provider-status-linked) existence. And speak up on your behalf, proving your worth to others.

That’s why research often reports men who take time to be alone after a relationship are happier.

Not only because his bills decline or the nagging stops. He realizes his desire for a woman’s love is about wanting to be wanted. As was the case with Bear (from Obsession). He realizes social interaction, no matter how small, involves vulnerability and awkwardness. He notices his motivations need to be about accomplishing goals for himself. And if it attracts a woman — that’s a bonus.

5. Masculinity, like all things, if you don’t define it, the cruel world will.

Living in a man’s world doesn’t make a man’s life easier.

It can. But it often doesn’t because men look to others to define how they should feel about themselves.

Guys who define their version of masculinity as atypical face tests. Often for the simplest traditional contradictions. It took so long for Russell Wilson to lose the “corny” label. His positive, polished, wholesome stepdad-family man persona went against the expected. Many felt uncomfortable.

Even if you don’t go to the extreme of wearing a dress on a mag cover, if it isn’t masculine enough, you’ll get seen as lacking. Like the time, Gavin Newsom went viral for crossing his legs. His simple choice — described as testicle-crushing.

You can be a great husband. People realize. Now you’re rejected, teased, and branded by your guy peers as weak. As seen in Newsom’s case, fellow men are unforgiving even if you go all in on masculine habits. Unfortunately, some men resort to DV to prove their manliness. The fallout is worse. They lose respect among men and women circles.

After a divorce, or sometimes a breakup, you learn it’s your duty to define what manhood is to you. If it’s not gender-typical, you’ve also got to learn not to feel threatened when other men question your behavior. Understand other men will pressure you into upholding traditional manhood by name-calling. And it’s not about you. But their discomfort.

So, if there’s a next time, going about love, you’ll be different, and the outcome might be different too.

And please note these issues go both ways as men divorce women, too.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.