Think about a partner that often tries to steer you into the direction of figuring out their grievances against you, instead of pointing out their problems outrightly — one of the most shity partners one can ever have.
Now think about one that unhesitatingly states their feelings and even desires openly. As well as letting you know that you don’t have to take responsibility for their feelings.
Well, we all know that the former will eventually frustrate and suck anyone’s energy dry.
Great and loving partners are so self-secure enough that they do not need to resort to passive aggression. They have no fear whatsoever that could cripple them from comfortably expressing even their most negative feelings and insecurities.
The very best romantic partners in the world all have a handful of things in common. And with a fair amount of effort, being one isn’t that difficult. It’s just that they don’t just know how not to be shitty girlfriends or boyfriends.
Because they also know better than exhibiting and even putting up habits that are toxic at best. And like Mark Manson puts it, these are habits displaying that one prioritizes love over the three core components of a healthy relationship: respect, trust, and affection.
Hence, to avoid landing in messy relationships, you also need to avoid some counterproductive habits that make you more likely to end up in one. Because like great relationships and partners, messy relationships and terrible partners have a lot of things in common.
1. Endless expression of deceptive affection
It’s no longer something new that talking or even acting in ways we think others want us to is the new norm of this century, even if it mostly makes relationships unnecessarily complicated for us.
The thing is, it’s easiest to put up deceptive displays of affection than risk hurting the feelings of someone dear to us. Hence, why some people find it easier to say or do what they think their other half would appreciate if they say or do.
This becomes obvious when couples hold hands, kiss, and cuddle when they’d rather shred their partners’ heads into pieces.
Or when they toss a casual “I miss you” or “I wish you were here” at each other when at that precise moment, neither sentiment accurately reflects how they feel about each other.
Or even worse, when they constantly engage in PDA to mask the lack of true affection and communication in their relationships.
Although, according to some experts, deceptive affection isn’t entirely a bad idea since it can bring ephemeral solutions to some needs, attention-seeking, and even pacify or settle conflicts. It can also help boost either or both of the partners’ self-esteem. The problem arises, however, when it is used as an excuse to avoid one’s true feelings.
Because partners in a relationship can grow emotionally distant from one another if they engage in acts of deceptive affection, such as making public displays of affection, for the sole purpose of maintaining the appearance that they are truly in love.
False feelings of affection cannot sustain a romantic partnership because it may become challenging to conceal how you really feel, after some time.
That’s why it’s best if you keep in touch with your feelings and look out for other genuine ways to reawaken the passion that brought you together in the first place.
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2. Trying so hard to change your partner
One of the most admirable qualities of a supportive partner is the ability to inspire another person to be their best self. But if you’re trying to change your partner or impose your will on your partner’s personality, you’ll have a lot of difficulties in your relationship.
First, if you make it your mission to change your partner, you’ll be betraying and disrespecting them and your commitment to the relationship.
Second, your relationship may become strained if they become disengaged as a result of your constant efforts to change them which loudly tells them that what they have to offer doesn’t meet your standards for a relationship.
Last, if your happiness and fulfillment in your relationship can only be complete when you’ve successfully molded your partner into your perfect idea of an ideal, your relationship is certainly doomed to fail.
Aside from all these, being so bent on changing your significant other will make you come across as a toxic savior complex or white knight who is obsessed with playing the role of a guidance counselor and is simply convinced that someone needs saving even when they don’t.
Because at the end of the day, you might leave your partner’s self-esteem, self-worth, and feelings ruined.
So rather than trying to change your significant other, you should instead learn to love and accept them as they are and look forward to the two of you growing and maturing together, which is a more realistic and healthy goal.
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3. Avoiding conflicts at all costs
It’s weird and counterproductive to avoid getting mad at your partner because of a strong urge to avoid conflicts in your relationship. Most people make this mistake that does nothing but displays their deep-seated lack of trust in themselves and their partners.
When you’re dead scared of conflicts that you’d do anything to avoid arguing with your partner, it’s likely because you lack trust in your partner’s reaction that prompts you to always expect negative reactions from your partner if you assert your feelings.
And when you lack trust in your ability to deal with possible conflicts, you’ll mostly be crippled from opening up on your anger, pain, frustration, insecurities, and other not-so-cool feelings.
The point isn’t to always let your emotions take the wheel and drive you into making fighting an everyday affair. But you should never for any reason resort to stonewalling and pretending that an issue doesn’t exist when it’s really bothering you.
And that you shouldn’t deliberately dodge conversations and endure uncomfortable situations as a conflict management tactic. Instead, you should get in touch with your feelings and confidently face your fears head-on, and speak up for yourself.
Because anything other than that will only hinder clear communication that’ll be needed to solve the issue.
A long-term relationship can be irreparably harmed by leaving it unresolved.
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4. Unforgiveness and scorekeeping
Don’t default to blame and frustration. If you constantly remind your partner of their shortcomings and mistakes, you’re making blame and frustration your default pattern of communication.
Being such a ruthless, unforgiving partner reek of a flawed mentality where you believe, act, and behave like you’re perfect and can do no wrong, while your partner is to be blamed for everything.
And it’s even worse when you do so to avoid responsibility for your own mistakes. Because it’s an act that stems from a desire for a quick relief and ego boost when confronted with difficult situations.
But the truth is, we all make mistakes, and reminding, berating, and crucifying others for their past mistakes especially when we’re trying to make up for our transgressions is a total waste of energy and even draining to the recipients.
Because weirdly, being overly unforgiving and keeping a score of your partner’s mistakes, means you believe that forgiveness and letting go is a sign of weakness. Hence, hurting others and casting blame on them for your shortcomings comes naturally to you.
But whenever you honestly forgive, forget, and even courageously take responsibility for your transgressions instead of blaming others for their own mistakes, you’re communicating to others that you believe that the past is past. That what is done is done and what is not done is not.
And that no one deserves to be consistently stressed over their past mistakes especially when someone is trying to use them as a defense mechanism to avoid responsibilities for theirs.
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5. Being melodramatic
Most people are so terrible at anger management that their anger seems overwhelming, uncontrollable, and violent even over small things. They often find themselves getting paranoid about small and insignificant things.
Weirdly though, melodramatic people happen to be expressive and honest — they don’t hold back or shy away from expressing their negative feelings. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with being expressive, it’s even an important factor for a healthy relationship hence, the reason for point 3 above.
But being extremely expressive of every little thing that annoys you out of the ordinary and annoying things that normally occur every day, will make things difficult and unbearable for your partner and yourself.
Getting overly pissed off and creating unnecessary drama in even little scenarios like when you lose a game of cards with your partner, or in the event that your partner forgets to take out the trash, will eventually make your relationship void of the peace and happiness it should have.
Sometimes you just have to take a few moments to breathe, calm your nerves, and ask yourself how significant is what you’re about to get angry over. And what you would gain from an angry outburst over something that’s most likely insignificant.
Because the truth is, feeling anger isn’t completely bad. It’s even healthy and productive. But not when you always get angry over nothing.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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