Let’s be honest: Nobody wants to be in an unhealthy and messy relationship. We all want to have great and satisfying relationships.
Although it’s logically impossible to be in a perfect relationship because there’s nothing as such, we can at least hope for relationships where deep understanding and mutual respect for each other’s individuality exist.
Yet, we are the ones making things difficult for ourselves and our partners by adopting and displaying habits that are nothing but pointless, energy-depleting, and even unproductive.
And the worst part?
Some of these habits only cause us problems in our love lives and makes our relationships as messy as hell.
There are a lot of such habits but today, I’ll only be talking about behaviors that are really nothing more than a lack of love for one’s self and a lack of knowledge of one’s self-worth and value. Which causes problems in our love lives and can have the effect of making our partners treat us overly poorly.
So if you’re acting in one, few, or any of these ways, eliminating such habits might change your entire love life for good.
1. Giving up interests to fit in.
How happy will you be if you give in to the common need to fit in or to be accepted and adopt interests, hobbies, habits, and even personalities that aren’t yours for your partner?
The odds are high that you won’t be truly happy.
Yes, relationships develop organically on great levels of similarities even in interests, of course. But pretending to be someone you aren’t because that’s what you think your partner will like will ensure that you won’t be truly happy in your relationship.
The bad news is you’ll end up losing yourself and your identity which means you’ll be losing your self-image and worth and it’s quite unfriendly to your entire well-being. But the good news, however, is you don’t have to give up things you enjoyed doing when you’re single for any reason.
Because you’ve got only one life and it’ll be a shame to lose yourself and identity simply because you want to mold yourself into what your partner(s) might like.
What to do about this:
The importance of having a separate life and your own identity can’t be overstated. Because it makes your love life float freely and stabilizes your wellbeing.
Besides, the best relationships are somewhat balanced. This implies that both parties involved all stick to things they do before getting together.
That’s why you shouldn’t give up your hobbies and passions. You might even want to discover new ones. Talk about your hobbies as your partner talks about theirs. Because concealing yours reeks of insecurity and means that your interests and hobbies aren’t good enough.
What’s sexier than a relationship where the woman does things she enjoys while the man does his own and they share their experiences while chilling together?
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2. Playing the selfless card.
It makes no sense for someone to out of sheer aversion to appearing or feeling selfish allow people to exploit, manipulate, and treat him or her wrongly for their selfish benefits.
We all know that being selfless and caring improves relationships since it shows how much we value our relationships and our partners.
But being overly caring and unselfish up to the point where you can be easily mistreated by a needy and even abusive lover is a dangerous path to walk in.
Self-care isn’t selfish neither is it taboo. Any belief contrary to this will always make you a puppet to needy and controlling people who will make it seem as though not meeting their needs proves that you’re selfish. And in the process, you’ll become unanswerable to your needs, feelings, and even happiness.
What to do about this:
In as much as I’m not discouraging you from being selfless and nice since you don’t have to be a bitch and an asshole to enjoy better Relationships as that will have the opposite effect, I urge you to learn to also prioritize your own needs, wants, feelings, and happiness as much as you prioritize that of your partner.
Because the strong urge to avoid appearing or seeming selfish is an obvious sign of neglect of self-care which is a necessary element if you do want to love and care for others well.
And the truth is if you don’t love and care for yourself, doing so for others will always drain you and you might not get enough in return.
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3. Not opening up about what’s wrong.
The surest way to be miserable and happy in any relationship is by bottling up your feelings.
If you act like and say that you’re fine when you obviously aren’t, you are going to make things more complicated, difficult, and even unbearable for yourself.
Keeping mute and pretending to be okay with every single thing that stresses you will wear you thin. You might out of built-up resentment, blow up and end up saying things you will regret terribly.
It’s like when you have been holding back from expressing your feelings for a very long time and you get stung one more time which might not hold much weight compared to the ones you’ve been silent to, but you end up losing it like a possessed person amid an exorcism.
What to do about this:
The blunt truth is that life is too short to always bottle up and avoid telling people how you feel when they strike a particular hurtful chord or about an uncomfortable situation. That’s why you should always open up and express your feelings instead of saying you’re fine when you aren’t.
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4. Conforming to standards you don’t believe in.
Imagine a woman who just doesn’t understand why she consistently ends up in messy relationships because, to her, she’s investing her all and seems to be what every man can’t resist. But on the contrary, all she actually does is:
“Think way less of herself than others see her.”
“Compromise her values and herself to make things work.”
“Give up herself to create a new whole.
Would such a woman be truly happy and satisfied in the relationship?
Probably not.
Yet, too often, we think, behave, and act in ways that obviously reek of low self-esteem. Most people make the mistake of compromising, tolerating, and sacrificing excessively even at the expense of their self-value, self-worth, and self-esteem.
But the idea that you need to conform to standards you don’t actually believe in, compromising your values and yourself to make things work, and giving up yourself to create a new whole keeps most people from enjoying the kinds of relationships they so desire.
What to do about this:
Your self-value, self-worth, and self-esteem aren’t determined by others — most times you need to truly believe that you’re worth a lot. That you deserve love and affection. And that you don’t need to accommodate, justify, and conform to be loved.
Your value isn’t determined by outside forces — sometimes you have to let people know how much you value by being pleased with the person you are and by knowing that you aren’t undeserving of the most fundamental things life has to offer.
The world can’t automatically detect how best to treat and even think of you — sometimes you need to lead the way by how you think of and treat yourself.
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5. Not leaving even after your self-respect has been smashed countless times.
How often do you find yourself crossing self-respecting boundaries you wouldn’t normally consider crossing?
Sure, relationships require some level of patience, tolerance, and endurance. But if you find yourself engaging in behaviors you find demeaning or endlessly allowing yourself to be treated disrespectfully, you’re obviously in a relationship that isn’t good enough for you.
If you ever give up your right to be treated with respect and decency in any relationship you find yourself in, you’ll end up hating yourself for allowing your partner to endlessly trample over and cross lines that should be no-go zones.
What to do about this:
Never justify, accommodate, or compromise excessively in any relationship for whatever reason. To be specific, never accommodate someone in your life, justify lousy behaviors, or compromise your values and expectations simply because you think you’re in love.
Because this will forever leave you wondering what you could have possibly done wrong that you seem to always end up in messy relationships since you, always put in your all in every relationship.
But there’s a clear-cut difference between putting in all possible efforts to create a healthy and happy relationship and losing yourself entirely in a relationship. That’s why you shouldn’t think twice about getting rid of any partner that treats you in disrespectful ways.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Charlie Foster on Unsplash