I remember how foolish I felt when I was pleading with my Ex–to no avail–to make an effort and give the relationship another chance. Now she wants me back.
I gave my “Ex” countless chances after she had broken me down to a spineless man who wouldn’t take a hint, until I finally had enough. Yes, unfortunately, I’ve been down that road of trying to make something work that was hopeless.
I wanted to make it work in spite of all of the relationship shortcomings until I finally had enough. For my dignities sake, I finally let her go. I left and found my self-respect again. I had it with the mind games and needed time to embrace being single. Days, weeks and months passed, then, something funny happened.
While I reacquainted myself with the gym, the local single scene, and regained self-confidence, a moment of clarity happened. “I was always better off without her.” I heard myself think out loud. I had finally stopped psychoanalyzing the past and at that moment I felt relieved and free of guilt and regret.
Then, guess what happened shortly after this epiphany? You already know. “The Ex” called. (They always come running back, usually later than sooner, right.) She called crying, and how she wanted to fix things. “I gave you 101 chances to get your act together after the damage was done and make things right, and now you want me back???”, I thought.
Isn’t it funny how the tables turn? But why all of a sudden does she want me back now?
Five reasons “the Ex” wants you back:
1. The heart wants, what the heart can’t have.
They are stuck in this impulsive cycle of “I have to have it,” the problem is -They can’t. When we were kids, we were envious of other kids toys, and we wanted what we couldn’t have, right. Same concept, they realized they can’t have you and they don’t like that feeling. That impulse cycle they’re in has hit its peak, and they need a fix. It’s not that they’ve magically changed their ways, it’s most likely impulse. Impulse is a strong force, wait for them to chase another shiny object.
2. I was enjoying life, and I didn’t care what the heck they were doing.
They believed I wouldn’t move on so soon, and they saw a little too late that I wasn’t going to come back running. After I had deleted them from my online social world, I felt some closure. Then, they cyber-stalked the Facebook, Instagram, and other social media accounts and saw I was doing better without them and I’d deleted all remnants of them. Then they felt compelled to throw a wrench in the mix. Unfortunately for them, life moves on, and I wasn’t looking back. They had their chance, and now it’s their turn to watch from the sideline.
3. They figured out it was their fault, too.
As time went on, they saw the other person they might’ve chosen wasn’t what they had imagined. Uh-oh, the newness had lost its shiny luster and reality had set in. They awoke to this new found regret, then they called, pleaded and apologized. Sorry, but I discovered a person that pissed all over the relationship and tried to replace me, doesn’t deserve my energy or time anymore, but let’s be realistic, we both made mistakes. I owned up to mine along time ago and gave it all I had, too late.
4. They feel guilty and can’t accept I’ve moved on.
They might’ve remembered that moment when I said, “When I’ve left, and moved on and found someone else, that’s when you’ll realize, it’s way too late.” The prophecy has come true and unfortunately for them, they haven’t accepted the truth. They want another chance, but I don’t owe them one. The faster they move forward, the easier it’ll be.
5. They know they aren’t on a pedestal anymore.
When they spied and saw I had gotten off the couch and was enjoying life, they wanted to disrupt the new found joy. They didn’t like the fact I had potentially replaced them.
Through the breakup process I learned, I had settled for less than I deserved. I owed it to myself, and not anyone else, to love myself enough to be grateful for life every day, despite who tries to hurt me. When she hurt me, she lost the right to be on a pedestal. Knowing when to take them off the pedestal and replace them with our happiness takes self-introspection, this I’ve learned the hard way.
I’ve uncovered through relationship experiences, if they’re going to change, or maybe have changed, then let their actions show it and not some astrology sign prediction or some tarot card reading.
Just because they call and tell us everything we want to hear, doesn’t mean we jump back into their lap, it’s not that easy anymore.
In time, if they’ve changed? Their habits will prove it, and their character will confirm it. Even after you see they’ve changed, make sure you find couples therapy. Remembering, it’s a “work in progress” kind of relationship and not a stable relationship will keep you safe in the rebuilding process. Until you’re happy with everything that’s showing up and progress is evident, then moving forward will make logical sense.
We always have choices. For myself, I’ll intentionally choose sanity and contentment over going back into a relationship that was agonizing. They’re “the ex” for a reason, right?
Photo: Flickr/ Garry Wilmore