Anyone who’s in a relationship wants it to be a happy one. We’re not masochists here; joy seems to be the elusive part of life that everyone wants but sometimes has trouble getting.
And the answer isn’t always fancy dinner dates or expensive couples therapy. You don’t need something physically outside of yourselves to be happy in your relationship.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.
— Marcus Aurelius
In fact, turning to people who already are in happy relationships is probably your best bet. Who better to learn from than the people who already have what you want?
When I first ventured into the world of dating and relationship writing, I realized that relationships don’t come naturally to everyone. Unless you had an excellent set of parents to show you the way, most of us end up learning through trial and error.
Yet many people don’t. They get into a relationship and think that’s where all their efforts end. But they are sadly mistaken.
Through research and writing about the world of love, I’ve realized that a relationship without intention is a recipe for disaster. But a relationship with some effort and awareness? Now those are the kinds that last a lifetime.
So how do happy couples act differently than other people? Well, there are a few ways that you can model in your own relationship today:
Actively listen to each other.
Open any relationship book, and you’ll find communication at the top of the list of ways to improve your relationship. And while people want to feel understood and heard, is simply listening enough?
According to a 2014 study on listening between couples, listening just to hear what someone says isn’t enough. You have to take things a step further.
Active listening is done by hearing what someone says, rephrasing what they said back to them, and showing non-verbal attentiveness (aka, eye contact and not looking at your phone). This helps your partner know you understand the ideas and feelings they’re trying to explain.
Seeing as feeling understood and accepted is a basic human need, it’s no surprise that happy couples actively listen to each other, from small complaints to bigger issues.
They keep being playful with each other.
Something that helped me realize my current relationship has what it takes to stand the test of time is how we can joke around. We’re just as playful today as we were a year and a half ago when we started dating.
And this is an anomaly for me because my relationships in the past lacked this quality. What’s worse is, I’m not the only one. Research shows that adults become less playful over their lifetime due to stress, work, and responsibilities.
And maybe you’re even reading this and thinking playing in a relationship is silly; that it’s not constructive or has no significant effects.
Well, you’d be wrong.
The University of Halle’s René Proyer asked couples to reflect on why playfulness helps their relationship. They had multiple reasons.
Couples feel more connected and happier when they play. They feel it helps them have better sex and communicate more effectively. Point blank: their research showed it’s a great skill for happiness between couples.
They focus on solutions rather than problems.
Every couple is going to have issues. No two people will see eye-to-eye on every problem. And you know what? That’s perfectly OK because arguing is healthy.
Now you might be thinking, “The arguments I have with my partner are far from healthy.” That’s a fair point. Arguments that feel like they suck the life from you and leave distance in your relationship aren’t the healthy arguments I just referred to.
I’m talking about the kind of arguing that happy couples do: solution-oriented arguing.
When there’s an issue, rather than complain, the person comes to the discussion with solutions about how things can be improved. Doing this feels less like an attack on the other person and more like you’re on the same team.
That’s right. What you argue about doesn’t matter nearly as much as how you argue.
They look for opportunities to be happier.
Do you believe that your mindset affects your reality? That simply changing the way you think changes the world around you?
“We suffer more in imagination than in reality”
— Seneca
If not, you might want to think twice about that. Because happy couples inadvertently live by this motto, and it’s one of the reasons why they’re so damn happy.
To prove this point, let’s talk about the game Tetris. More specifically, the time a Harvard professor had students play it for several hours and, after the study, the students began seeing Tetris everywhere, from the grocery store to their dreams.
Their brains were primed for seeing objects that fit perfectly together. But this phenomenon goes beyond computer games. It explains why, once you’re having a crappy day, you more easily come across negative people and experiences.
But the opposite is true. When you think positively, you become more grateful and optimistic. Apply this to your relationship, and all of a sudden, you’re appreciative and noticing things in your relationship that you love.
They don’t strive to be a perfect couple.
As a result of growing up in a media-laden world, you might have ideas of how “perfect” couples act: they never argue or go to bed angry. They eat dinner together and enjoy talking about their feelings. After three years of dating, they get married and have kids.
Essentially, there’s a template that people believe exists for a happy relationship. But truly happy couples know that a load of BS.
Happiness isn’t a one-size-fits-all construct. What works for one couple won’t work for others. In fact, there are only several aspects to a relationship that truly matter; the rest is just personal choice.
Cornell Professor, Robert Sternberg, suggests that lasting relationships come down to three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Happy couples have a mixture of all three.
The rest of their relationship is molded to whatever makes them happy. If that includes marriage, then so be it. But if it doesn’t, that’s perfectly OK. They find what works best for them rather than trying to fit into a societal mold.
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As long as two partners are willing to do things differently, anyone could become a happy couple. With a few habit changes, mindset shifts, and letting go of external expectations, a better relationship is simple to obtain.
Because, as I said above, a relationship without intent is bound to shrivel up and suffer. Like those houseplants that have garnered fame across Instagram profiles, a relationship needs some intentional love, care, and effort.
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStock
