5 Signs He Has an Avoidant Attachment Style

So you’ve been on dating apps, and you seem to always meet the same type of guy. Isn’t that weird? Is every guy like that, or do you think you just have bad luck?

First, let me tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you. You just aren’t aware yet that these men are avoidants. I have to tell you this because most women blame themselves when they have bad experiences with online dating.

Secondly, you can never change them. I know how tempting it is, and many women, especially when they’re in their early 20s, will agree with me on this; whenever you date someone like this, you have a strong urge to “fix” them.

You see them as broken human being, and you’d love to be that person who saves them and make them “whole” again. But we often forget that it’s not our job to fix them in the first place.

Here are some signs he’s avoidant (not secure) and how this awareness can help you make a better decision in your dating life:

1. He always needs some space

This is the most common trait of someone with an avoidant attachment style. I’ve dated a guy who always needs a “break” every couple of months. The break here can mean anything. It depends on how you take it.

And if you’re anxious like me, then you’ll take it very personally. You can think they’re cheating on you or not seeing you as attractive anymore because otherwise, why would they take a break from the relationship, right?

Well, for avoidant, this is their primary need. They always need space just for themselves, even if they tell you you’re the love of their life. Unless you’re an emotionally secure person, this trait will always be hard to deal with.

2. Spending too much time with you drains his energy

Not only he always needs space, but he also tends to feel drained whenever he spends too much time with you. This can be a big deal if, again, you’re someone with anxious attachment.

Because getting constant affection from your partner is one of the anxious’s needs. And it’s not practical for you to expect avoidants to fulfill those expectations because they will never be spending 24/7 time with you without feeling burned out.

That’s just in their nature, and expecting them to change it won’t make your relationship better.

3. He has commitment issues

Sadly, the majority of avoidants you’ll meet on dating apps are men. The obvious sign will be on their commitment issue. You probably heard the phrase “I’m not ready to make this exclusive” from guys who couldn’t let you go either.

You know you both are invested and want to be together, but when it comes to making it official or putting a label on it, he keeps saying, “we need more time.” This is the thing about avoidants; they’re afraid of being trapped.

As they value their independence a lot, being in a serious relationship scares them. Because they don’t know if you can give him the space or he can ever be himself again.

That’s why for men like this, it takes them longer to finally commit, and most times, they’ll look for someone more secure who can understand his needs rather than feeling intimidated by them.

4. He’s emotionally unavailable

Nothing hurts more than being with someone who’s often emotionally unavailable. You can’t rely on them on the hard days. But that’s what’s gonna happen when you decide to date someone with an avoidant.

It’s easy for them to act cold and not communicate their feelings. It’s their way to protect themselves. But we all know the relationship is doomed by the time one party tries to build a big wall between them.

As an avoidant, your mind is governed by overarching perceptions and beliefs about relationships that ensure a disconnect with your partner and get in the way of your happiness. — Amir Levine & Rachel Heller

Unfortunately, you can never change their emotional availability to match your expectations. Just like anxious, avoidants are wired differently. They might not realize those actions hurt you; that’s why if you currently date one, it’s important for you to bring up the issue rather than putting up with it.

5. He has an unrealistic ideal partner in his head

Avoidants always have this perfect ideal partner they want. That’s why it’s easy for them to call it quits by the time they see flaws in their partner. Instead of trying to make it work together, they choose the easy way out every time.

If you haven’t noticed yet, avoidant people, in general, tend to have a short-term relationship compared to secure ones. And sadly, it’s also easier for them to jump back into the dating pool.

For them, there’s always someone better out there if this one doesn’t exceed their expectations in the relationship.

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Parting Words

With all those signs above, it’s clear that if you’re anxious, you shouldn’t date someone avoidant. It’s the worst combination ever, and you don’t want to pay the consequences for that choice.

Trust me — I’ve been there.

Look for someone who’s more secure instead. Someone who can understand your needs. Someone who doesn’t expect you to be less clingy or needy. After all, they’re still your needs, and you shouldn’t compromise on that just because you’re in a relationship.

The biggest change I noticed when I learned about the avoidant attachment style is that I stop taking things personally when a man becomes emotionally unavailable/drifts apart.

When you know it has nothing to do with you, you can finally look at your love life from a different perspective. You no longer try to chase men to commit to you. If he wants a long-term commitment, then he’ll come to you.

You don’t need to convince them that you’re the best wifey material they could ever get. Heck, you don’t even have the need to make sure everything’s going well in your relationship all the time.

You can start focusing on yourself and your life.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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