We’ve all been there — or most of us, anyway.
We’ve trudged through a situationship with the wishful thought that our partner is interested in us, even if they give no indication of it. We’ve convinced ourselves that despite their mixed signals and denial of affection, that maybe they’re just shy and show their feelings in a different way than we’d expect.
The truth is, sometimes that can be true — sometimes people do show affection in different ways, and mixed signals aren’t always a weapon of destruction. Not everyone is going to be transparent, chivalrous, and pour their heart out right off the bat.
But there are a few vital signs you should look out for: signs that maybe he’s (or she’s, or they’re) just not that into you. Because it’s better to know early on, right?
…
1. He takes hours to respond to texts, or doesn’t open your messages
This is a big one. And I know, I know — guys have that whole “3 days rule” and a lot of times, with the current dating scene, people in general try to “play it cool” by not responding right away and waiting a tactful amount of time to do so.
But that’s just my point — people wait a tactful, reasonable amount of time, not hours and hours, or worse, days. If someone wants to talk to you, rest assured that they will. If they are taking hours (or again, days) to respond, or they’re not even opening your messages, that could be a sign that they’re just not *that* into you.
Disclaimer: some people are just really busy. Or don’t go on social media often. Or prefer face-to-face contact. The key thing here is that they’re probably going to tell you. If they preface by saying that work tires them and it’s hard to find time to respond to messages, or that they don’t have a huge online presence, take this with a grain of salt because they’re probably not ignoring you out of a lack of interest. But if they are frequently on their devices or seemingly contacting others without paying mind to you, it could be a red flag.
2. He doesn’t ask you many questions
I had a guy who I was interested in once who never asked me questions.
I was so curious about him; I’d ask him things left and right. What are you up to this weekend? Or What are you looking forward to about summer? Or Do you still keep in contact with [insert person]? Or What’s your favorite late-night food? Or What’s something you’re afraid to tell people that you love?
It was a LOT of questions. And while he always gladly answered them — and elaborated generously — I noticed something. He never seemed to ask me anything at all. Never even a simple, How about you? after I’d prompted him with something. And that’s when I realized he probably wasn’t that interested.
In many cases, people who are interested in you will be curious about you. They’ll want to know more. They might not be bombarding you with questions like I was to him, but they’ll be curious enough to ask stuff, at the very least, without leaving you wondering, How come they never want to know anything about me?
3. He forgets things you tell him
With the same guy, I’d often talk about things I’d told him before. Like stuff I was afraid of, or experiences I’d had, stories I had lived through, things I occupied my time with. We’d be driving in the car and I’d mention something about it and he’d just point-blank say, You never mentioned that.
But I knew I had. And when he said those things, I immediately realized that he just hadn’t been paying attention; that he wasn’t really tuned in to what I had to say. We’ve all been on the other side of this; I know there have been people that I listen less actively to because maybe I’m not as interested in what they’re saying, or maybe their ways of socializing or telling stories just don’t jive with mine.
But either way, if they’re frequently forgetting things you said to them (like, more than the average person might) and without a valid reason why, it might be something worth reflecting on. And you might want to march on away.
4. He gives the excuse that he’s busy, but you see him doing other things
I’ve had people — and many guys — do this to me a lot. They’ll say they’re busy, that they absolutely cannot find time in their schedule to hang out because they work so often and so long and they’re dog-tired afterward. This can be a really viable excuse, and it’s not immediately a red flag if your guy tells you he’s busy.
But, if he tells you this and then goes out and does stuff with other people, that could be a bad sign. I had a guy do this to me many times. He’d claim he was way too busy to make plans, but then I’d see him out in town doing trivial stuff — grabbing coffee at the drive-thru or hanging out at a bonfire with a mutual friend. They’d even post about it on social media. And that was my wake-up call that our relationship was no longer worth the investment.
If he had time, he’d include you. And if he didn’t, he wouldn’t be putting others before you. At the very least, he’d be making plans with you and with them. But he wouldn’t neglect you.
5. He doesn’t make future plans with you after the end of a date
This one can be a bit nuanced, because some people truly do have horribly busy schedules and cannot make plans instantaneously after finishing a date. But in general, someone who’s interested in you and invested in the relationship will at least express a desire to see you again soon — if not actually make plans to see you again soon.
This doesn’t have to be formal. It can simply be a, “Hey, I really want to see you again. I’ll be out of town this weekend, but let’s try for a night next week.” Or it can be something more precise, like, “I had so much fun tonight. I’m free next Saturday — would you be interested in grabbing a bite again?”
If he’s too busy to schedule things right then, he should be able to tell you: “I’m sorry, my work schedule doesn’t come out until Friday, but I’d love to plan something soon once I know when I’m free.” Again, if there’s interest, he will most likely express it to you. And if he doesn’t, either attempt a discussion about it (if you have the energy or patience), or think about parting ways.
…
Bottom line is, we all deserve someone who can make us a priority. And so spotting the signs of red flags early in the relationship is key to either addressing any conflicts, or just getting the heck out of there before it gets worse.
With the rise of social media and online dating, and with the way we seem to do everything virtually now, it can be even harder to read people’s signals, to gauge their interest. These signs are sensitive to this brave new world. They’re easy to spot even if you and your new crush are mostly communicating by phone or even Snapchat.
If your partner exhibits one of these signs (or more than one of them), don’t fret just yet. If you feel that this relationship is worth your investment, talk to them. The best way to resolve conflict is straightforward, mature communication. Don’t attack them; ask them about what’s going on, and be sure to express what you need to feel important and secure. And if it works out, then that means you two just navigated a hurdle already. Have faith that you can brave the other things that life throws at you.
And if they don’t listen — or if the relationship didn’t feel very high-stakes to you anyway — then walk on by. After all, there’s going to be someone out there for you, and it’s going to be bliss when you find them.
And on the bright side? You’ll be one step closer to finding the one.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Jonathan Borba on Unsplash