He had a heart of pure gold. Even after all these years, I can confidently say he loved me. But he was bad at relationships.
And by bad, I mean he just wasn’t good at relationship-ing. But don’t misunderstand; he wasn’t mean or disrespectful. There was no abuse or cruelty, although abuse and cruelty are relative, I suppose.
He was highly attentive, and he would have done anything for me. But, like many of us, he was the product of his childhood environment. And like many of us, he was raised by two people who were arrested in developing their emotional maturity.
So he wasn’t great at relationships because he had never seen a true example of a healthy one, not even from his parents. He had no one to show him how to give and receive love in the absence of dysfunction.
Although he was beyond committed to making it work, he didn’t have the skills to sustain a healthy relationship. And time and time again, he would sabotage our connection because it was all he ever knew.
I gave him more chances than I should have. I was wishing, praying, and grasping at straws that he would change. I kept on trying — for years.
The desire to be loved is a universal longing. But how do you know beyond the shadow of a doubt if the person you love is the right person for you?
I know from experience that it can be hard to be objective when it comes to love. And just as hard to be honest with ourselves when the red flags bat us in the eye.
Sometimes the wrong person for you is a “good person.” They may be well-liked, fantastic at friendship, excel in their industry, and be kind to strangers — and they can still be all wrong for y-o-u.
Let’s unpack five not-so-obvious signs that you’re asking the wrong person to love you, shall we?
They don’t have the skills.
Relationship-ing is a skill, just like any other. We can learn and develop it with practice and education. The challenge arises when the subject of our affection lacks the necessary skills to understand and build healthy relationships.
And while it’s a heartbreaking truth, we must remember that if someone is incapable of healthy relationship behavior, it’s best to let go. Holding on and hoping for change that won’t come is a recipe for trauma. Believe me, I know.
Their mouth writes too many checks.
He talked a good game, and I believed him — at first. But his follow-through was trash. He struggled to do what he said he was going to do.
He had an excuse for everything. And then he would lie about it. He made promise after promise and repeatedly let me down.
It’s essential to recognize that words are meaningless if they are not backed by action. Your partner should do what they say when they say it — no exceptions.
If they don’t bother to keep their word, or at the very least give you a heads up about why things didn’t go according to plan, heed the warning.
There is no space for vulnerability.
He never tried to stifle my feelings, which was refreshing. For a while, I felt free to feel and express whatever came up for me. But the more he lied, the harder it was to be vulnerable.
But here’s the thing, vulnerability is not optional. When, for whatever reason, vulnerability is stifled, it stunts the growth of the connection.
You can’t be vulnerable unless it’s safe. And when the other person cloaks their feelings, withholds their love, or lies like a rug, they aren’t the one.
You deserve to be with the kind of person who can authentically express themselves — and hold space for you to be fully expressed too.
They have an absent presence.
He was physically present but emotionally checked out. He had difficulty “staying in the room,” not because he lacked the desire to be there but because he had no reference to draw from.
One of the most important things in relationships is presence. It’s hard to be there for someone if you can’t be present with yourself first.
If you’re going to feel lonely, you might as well be alone. Sitting next to someone you can’t reach is no way to love.
Something feels off.
We don’t always have the language, or proof, to explain why something isn’t working. That’s why you should pay attention to your feelings, no matter how abstract.
Your inner compass never lies. Listen to what it has to say. Trust yourself if something feels off, even if you can’t put your finger on it.
The wrong person doesn’t have to be flawed to be a mismatch for you. ‘
If something doesn’t line up, don’t ignore it. The more honest and self-aware you are, the better chance you have at finding your perfect match — a person who will bring out the best in you and vice versa.
…
Love is imperfect, and people make mistakes, but don’t make excuses when the writing is on the wall.
It takes courage to be honest with ourselves when someone shows us who they are. Especially when they look good on paper, make great first impressions, and clean up well.
It’s hard to walk away when FOMO pulls us every which way, but the alternative is much worse.
If you don’t listen to your inner wisdom, ignore the warning signs that something is amiss, and cling to an unhealthy relationship, you could miss out anyway. But that’s the thing about life; sometimes, you have to trust the uncertainty of letting go.
There is more than one right fit for you, and until that person(s) arrives, keep your heart open and your eyes peeled. You deserve someone who will show up, keep their word, and love you right. Don’t settle for anything less.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Hendo Wang on Unsplash