5 Signs You Should Never Forgive Your Ex

Forgiving your ex is like reading a book over and over again and expecting a different ending. You already have all the information you need. But you can’t control the hope that makes you believe this time it’ll be different (spoiler: It never is).

You keep your hope alive because it’s better than facing the harsh reality.

Heartbreaks hurt more than a broken arm. When you’re in a long relationship, your partner becomes part of your identity. That’s why, when it ends; you feel broken: You lost part of yourself.

You may wonder: “Should I give them another shot?”

Unfortunately, I don’t have a simple answer to your question. But I can give you a rational perspective, so your emotions don’t cloud your judgment. This way, you can make better decisions (and save yourself a second heartbreak).

If you’re considering giving your ex a second chance, watch out for these dangerous signs:

1. You didn’t fix the problem.

If your relationship is over, it’s because there’s a problem. Maybe you wanted different things, you didn’t work well together, or maybe you didn’t even know what the problem was. The problem itself doesn’t matter.

What matters is that you fix it before you give them a second chance.

Your problem won’t disappear because you spent some time apart. Imagine you break up because your partner wanted to have children, but you didn’t. You can try as many times as you want: Unless someone changes their mind, the problem will still be there.

You need to have an honest look at your relationship.

When you look back at things, you tend to highlight what you like and forget what you dislike. That’s why your relationship looks good now that it’s over: You’re romanticizing it.

That’s when you make bad decisions.

Before you can even consider going back to your ex, fix what made you break up in the first place.

2. You’re afraid to be alone.

99% of relationships start for the wrong reasons. But here’s the catch: You don’t even know that. So you never fix it (you can’t fix a problem if you’re not aware of it).

There’s one right reason to start a relationship: Because you love the person. Yet, people start relationships because:

They want validation.
They’re afraid to be alone.
They want to increase their self-esteem.

Let’s be honest: It’s tough to be alone.

But if you want to get back with your ex because you want somebody, you might as well find someone new (although I suspect that relationship would also end quickly).

3. You hurt too much.

Here’s one rule every human follows: You want to avoid pain and maximize pleasure. Guess what hurts like a b*itch? Breaking up. So you may think getting back together with your is the only way to avoid your pain.

Except that’s not a good reason to forgive.

Think about what you expect from a relationship. Do you want to find a partner you genuinely love or a partner that makes it stop hurting?

You may feel tempted to avoid your pain. But imagine what happens if you do. You go back to your ex, and you may even feel better at first. Then, the same problems come up again and again. You avoid one big punch, but you face one thousand needles.

It’s like fixing a broken arm with a band-aid: An ineffective solution.

I have good news: Nobody dies because of heartbreak. I know it doesn’t help when you’re hurting. But I hope it gives you the strength to overcome this pain.

4. You believe they changed.

The biggest lie manipulative exes say is, “I promise I will change.”

Change isn’t a promise; it’s action. Let’s be honest: Your ex knew how much they hurt you. They know what behaviors make you uncomfortable. They just didn’t bother to change. Except now they lost you, and that hurts their ego.

If they truly cared, they would never risk losing you.

Even if they change, are you sure it’s for the right reasons? Yes, they might change because they like you. Or maybe it’s because losing you hurts their ego, or it’s inconvenient to be alone.

You should follow the simple mantra: Believe it when you see it.

Before you give them another chance and buy a ticket to the emotional rollercoaster, take a step back. When they say they’ll change but keep acting the same way, that’s a red flag.

5. You can’t envision the future.

Relationships are a process. You go on dates, make a commitment, start a relationship, and get married. Each step should help you figure out if you can move on to the next (you date to learn if you should start a serious relationship).

If you already know you don’t want to marry your ex, there’s no point in this relationship.

Relationships are either yes or no. There’s no in-between. When you’re with the wrong person, you’re unavailable to find the right one. You’ll waste time, energy, and money in a failed relationship.

Yes, things change, and you can’t tell what will happen in ten years. But if you can’t envision the next step with your ex, this relationship will make you miserable (even if you still love them).

…

You can ask any random person in the street, and they’ll tell you forgiveness is beautiful. They’ll also tell you that every good person forgives without a second thought.

Except that doesn’t apply to your ex.

It doesn’t matter how it ended: Your ex is an emotional spot. So before you forgive, make sure you do it for the right reasons. When you watch out for these signs, you can make a more impartial perspective.

Yes, emotions matter. But so does your mental health. Insisting in a relationship that has already failed will drain you emotionally. So use this rational perspective to make better decisions. Even if you love your ex, some things just don’t work.

Save your efforts for the right person.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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