1.Their Lack of Happiness is All on You
When you look at people who have been loyal to each other for a long time, you’ll notice that each one has a certain amount of independence. Or what I like to call the ability to stand on one’s own two feet without depending too much on the other person. You have your own life, yet you can share your life.
Cheaters, on the other hand, never do that. They are all about ‘ME.’
If you’ve ever been cheated on, you’ll probably notice that the person who did it always seems to blame you for everything that goes wrong in the relationship.
This is pure narcissism, and I don’t mean to state the obvious, though it is obvious. I’ll also say that cheaters never take responsibility for their own problems. Cheaters make their problems yours.
They blame you for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and sometimes in their lives because they think it’s your job to fix things.
Sometimes they criticize you and what you do too much. At first, they were glad you were there. Nothing went wrong. Now, everything you do makes them mad.
Usually like this. It’s a subtle way of blaming someone else.
Because they feel like something is wrong with them but can’t deal with it, they blame you for it. Don’t accept it!
2. They Are Attention Whores
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In my twenties, the folks who cheated on me were the ones who wanted me around all the time. It was a strange conjunction of wanting to be close but wanting to be away. It was always on their terms.
They smothered me, to be honest…then disappeared.
Clinginess manifests as possessiveness or jealousy.
From the outside, you’d believe someone who wants to be with you constantly loves you, but there’s generally something deeper at play.
They fear abandonment.
Low-esteem people dread abandonment and cling, becoming possessive or jealous. I know I need to write about low self-esteem, and I will. But for now, understand it’s not a warning sign; it’s a stop sign!
Low self-esteem with abandonment dread equals? Someone who fears being alone and needs validation.
One person’s affection isn’t always enough. They grapple with many people so they will be supported. It’s a need to be needed.
Anyone who relies on another person’s approval is more likely to cheat since it makes them feel important. This is not a news story. This is not, “You heard it here first,” this is simple reality.
3. You Feel the Distance Grow
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Here’s something that has to be made clear: a partner’s withdrawal doesn’t necessarily indicate that they’re cheating. Life is life, and even when in love, we don’t always know what’s going on with each other.
However, it may be an early indicator of a more severe problem that will lead to cheating in the future. Distance can be the excuse to make it feel okay. It’s one of those crappy psychological things where you create the situation that makes you feel justified.
It also takes many different shapes and sizes.
For instance, various people have varied attachment styles or methods of perceiving and relating to others in intimate settings.
Those with an avoidant attachment style are particularly vulnerable to emotional withdrawal.
It’s not uncommon for them to refuse to face their emotional reality.
Therefore, they have an inward meltdown whenever they experience the growing seriousness of their connection.
Because of this, they start to withdraw from their partner. Yet there are a sizable number of folks who go beyond. They seek out or are drawn to new casual partners to regain independence.
To add insult to injury, isn’t this the first sign of cheating? Once you’re here, you can probably look back and see other signs. They may have been hard to see with blind love, but now the blinders are off.
4. They Gave Early Signs…Did You See?
My buddy also told me about how his girlfriend at the time started acting strange and said that work was getting busy and that her boss told them they would have to stay longer.
But when he met a coworker of his girlfriend at the gym, he said there was nothing like that.
It turned out that she had been getting ready to cheat with her boss because she liked him. Groundwork is being laid.
This only proves one thing: people who cheat are very good at laying the groundwork for future lies. So by the time they cheat, they have already covered their tracks.
Nothing happens as it does in movies.
Adults know how to cover their tracks so far ahead of time. So, they set up separate emails, move their inboxes, change their social media profiles, change how they get home from work, and even change their laundry.
Yes, it’s all usually very well planned. Remember how crafty and easy to trick people can be. Why are Vegas magic shows so popular? It’s because we like to see illusions.
They may also act aloof in the hopes that their partner will terminate the relationship because they are too scared of how deeply the relationship will hurt them. By doing it in this manner, we can ensure the safety of all those involved. When you self-destruct, you rarely consider those included in the implosion. It’s selfish and all about you; if you take someone down with you, it’s their fault for caring.
5. They Accuse You When They Are Guilty
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Several of my friends have told me that the folks who cheated on them also falsely accused them of the same behavior. In psychological terms, that’s called projection.
That’s not that shocking, by the way. One definition of projection is this.
Essentially, they are trying to throw you off their trail or make things complicated for you so that you don’t catch on to what they’re up to behind your back. I hate the term ‘gaslighting’ because it’s become such a buzzword. But yes, this is the very definition of it, even though I HATE buzzwords.
Sometimes it gets so bad that the cheater makes up proof to show that you’re the one who cheated.
Well, you know what?
It’s a proven fact that a cheater has a far larger window of opportunity to carry out an affair when they can project successfully.
Why?
Because it’s easy to miss the warning signs when you’re preoccupied with proving your innocence and clearing your name.
Your coworker’s habit of messaging you late at night has suddenly become an issue for them. And you begin to question whether or not there actually is.
You should find out how much time they spend texting or how covert they have become using the phone.
In summary, I’m not asking or advising you to be suspicious. For every cheater, there is a 100% loyal and loving partner, even when things do get rough. And yes, relationships get rough. What I want is to give you some clues. Sometimes it takes an outside person looking in to help you see the truth.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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