Recently, I met an old friend whom I hadn’t seen for almost two years. I expected her to be the same person I’ve always known, but people can change a lot in two years, as I later came to learn.
We spent the weekend together, but by the end of the second day, I was dying to leave that place. I felt disrespected by how she spoke to me. She was continually careless with her words and simply didn’t care how she treated me.
Let’s just say that the excitement I left home with quickly dissipated, and I couldn’t wait to get back home.
On the flight back, I combed through my thoughts one by one, trying to figure out why someone could change so much.
Was she okay? Was there an underlying issue? Was I the one who had changed? Was I the one who was no longer patient?
If there’s one thing I learned from my mother, it’s to always ask myself what part I play in a complicated friendship before pointing fingers.
That’s when the penny dropped.
I realized that if I were honest with myself, I was to blame for the messiness in our interaction. (More on that in a bit.)
The point is, rarely does a relationship get messy because of one person’s fault. And hard as it is to admit our own contribution to the misery, it’s the first step to breaking the cycle of sticky situations.
If you’re in such, I implore you to consider the following factors. Like me, could you be the creator of your own misery?
Let’s find out.
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You don’t take time to reflect and decide the type of people you want in your life.
Fact: Every single person in your life you have attracted.
Rarely do people fall from the skies and end up on your doorstep. Most of the time, you have a bond that binds you two together.
The problem is that when these people manifest in our lives, we never ask ourselves whether they are right for us. We forget that while it may feel good to have them, they may not be good for us.
Let’s say your marriage crumbles. It may feel good to have friends who chant “all men are dogs” and binge on Oreos all day.
But who does that help? Not a single soul.
Okay, maybe the Oreos do help your terrible mood a bit…
Seriously though, what you really need then is a sensible person to tell you to get your act together. Someone who shows you the future rather than basks in the scorching embers of a painful past.
The older you get, you realize that friendships are very much transient, fluid, and very draining all at the same time.
This is why it’s imperative to vet the people accessing the confines of your life. I strongly believe that if we started here, most of us would be free from all the emotional havoc we find ourselves in.
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You let too many things slide.
This is a tricky one, especially for those of us who are Christians and always want to extend kindness and not be judgmental about others’ character flaws.
We believe in forgiveness, and while that’s a noble virtue, we often dig ourselves into a hole by not allowing ourselves to see what their actions reveal.
In my case, I’ve let too many disrespectful things slide over the years — appointments that weren’t honored, snide remarks that left a bitter taste, and subtle acts of self-centeredness that spoke volumes.
If such things keep happening to you, you need to open your eyes and see them for what they are — disrespect rarely happens at once. Like a wound that festers with time, it starts as a scratch and becomes bigger and infected when left untreated.
Small things grow bigger.
If you let many things slide, eventually, people lose all respect for you. You lose your dignity by allowing others to treat or speak to you without much thought.
Look, no one is saying to bring out a notebook and record all the wrong ways people do to you. At the end of the day, we’re all flawed. However, you decide how people treat you.
This brings me to the next point.
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You don’t use the superpower at your disposal.
If there’s one thing, I’ve learned it’s that saying NO is a superpower. Few statements require such bravery — and command respect — like the ability to say NO.
Something incredible happens in your psyche when you learn to say NO. You become powerful in how you see yourself, and others start to see you differently, too.
I’ve learned that when you push back a little, people shape up pretty fast.
If you don’t say No because you’re worried about losing a “friend,” don’t. You’ll never lose a friend this way. The people you lose are narcissists, emotional vampires, abusers, toxic people, and manipulators.
This is what you want.
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You avoid uncomfortable conversations.
My friend Diane doesn’t think twice about speaking her mind. The other day, a neighbor dropped in around 6 pm. Diane didn’t have too much time to entertain him as she was tired.
After about ten minutes, she told the person that he needed to leave as it was time to spend the evening with her family.
I’m not sure Diane has too many friends due to her forthrightness. But one thing is for sure. You wouldn’t miss her boundaries if you stared from space.
Without clear boundaries, there’s no peace of mind.
And boundaries are best established by having uncomfortable conversations. At times a sentence is enough. Other times, you’ll need to sit through an hour and unravel the tight knots. Hard as it may be.
But it’s worth it because if you don’t, you hand over the key to your peace to others.
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You have unrealistic expectations of the other person (or of yourself.)
Sometimes, relationships turn toxic because we expect too much from the other person. You want them to be there at your beck and call. You want them to make you feel good about yourself. You want them to be there when life throws you a curveball.
But the truth is, people can only give what’s in their capacity to give. Nothing more.
And when they fail, you feel short-changed, especially if you continually keep your end of the bargain.
Look, there’s only one person on earth who is capable of giving you everything you need. That person is no one but yourself.
I once read a quote, “If it’ll be, it’s up to me.”
The day I decided to steer my own ship was the day I became free. I no longer even rely on my husband to applaud my efforts or make me feel good about myself.
I learned it’s too much weight to place on another person’s shoulders.
The people in your life don’t want to carry you throughout their lives. They have their own issues to deal with. If you learn to take care of yourself, you won’t need people to take care of you.
You do you, and if they celebrate you on your way, great. If they don’t, it’s still okay.
We all have that one friend who leaves a bitter taste in our mouths. But the more honest question is, are you enabling them?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: shahin khalaji on Unsplash