5 Things a Guy Does When He Feels Unworthy of Love

The only way a woman will date a low-value man is if she needs to feel in control.

She will date a man who feels unworthy to feel like she has the upper hand and that the guy will never leave her. She’s likely battling a fear of abandonment and is dating the “safe guy” she can dispose of later when the high of a new relationship wears off. Before leaving, however, she’s already lined up someone new.

Outside of that, a woman is not going to want a low-value man. He belongs in the Friend Zone, tucked away among her other Beta Orbiters who wish to sleep with her but don’t have the balls to say it. A high-value man is not trying to be high-value, nor is he trying to be an Alpha or a Chad. He’s not trying to impress anyone, including the women in his life, because that would signal unworthiness.

Through my experience dealing with crippling feelings of unworthiness, I’ve compiled a list of my top five behaviors, and what I’ve seen other men do to find love and companionship in all the wrong ways.

…

1. You Love Bomb

Right out of the gate, it’s compliment city, flooding her with feel-good chemicals designed to trigger an emotional attachment. While I’m not against thoughtful and timely compliments, love bombing is a strategy typically employed by men who feel unworthy.

It may not be conscious, but a man who values himself little might use love bombing to “hook” his prey, fearing that if she got to know the real him, she’d run away. It’s a disingenuous act because it takes time to get to know someone, yet there he is with his foot on the accelerator.

What to do about it
If you recognize you’re a love bomber, stop, slow down, and get to know her. Don’t “squeeze all of the toothpaste out in one shot,” but ration out the heady stuff. That includes sex, compliments, gifts, etc., so both of you are in a good headspace and can think rationally.

A worthy man is assessing her values and compatibility as much as she is (or should be) and doesn’t rush things out of fear or anxiety. Take your foot off the gas and see if you two are a match beyond the bedroom.

2. You Make Chasing Women Your Priority

When you join a gym, you do so because it’s full of attractive women. When you move to a neighborhood, it’s because it’s full of attractive women. If you pick a career, you think it’s because it will impress women. When you post to social media, it’s to gain the attention of women.

See where I’m going with this? What the hell do you like to do? What choices do you make that don’t involve women? Do you know your values and what you want out of life, or are you still riding on what Mom laid out for you so she could feel valid?

What to do about it
News flash: Your wants, needs, goals, dreams, and values are of maximum importance to you — prioritize them. If your dream is to find a stable job that makes good money, move to an affordable neighborhood, and become a good Dad, then by all means. You’re playing the wrong game if you tell women that’s what you want because you think that’s what they want.

I recommend spending a lot of time alone, perhaps up to a year, and doing things you like. Sit down, write out your values, and get clear on your boundaries. What can you tolerate from people, and what are your deal-breakers? What bottom-line behaviors can you set for yourself? I call these “Internal Boundaries,” and they’re just as important as external ones.

Creating a cohesive sense of self, or what’s known as “Integration,” takes time and effort, and if you’re identifying with anything I’ve written so far, you’re not integrated. Therefore, getting to a place where you don’t need the “glue” of female validation to hold you together will require some emotional and spiritual elbow grease.

3. You’re Addicted to Unavailable Women

If you haven’t heard of Intermittent Reinforcement, Google it. Numerous studies have been done on it, but the most famous involved lab rats and a food dispenser.

For a period of time, the dispenser dropped a food pellet whenever the rat pressed a lever. The rats, while enjoying the predictable reward of performing an action, went about their life. They groomed themselves, slept, and did whatever the hell rats do in captivity.

Then, the scientists removed the pellets, so the rats got nothing when they hit the lever. After realizing they weren’t getting any food from the dispenser, they ignored it and went about their business, albeit in a state of hunger.

Then, the scientists tweaked the machine to dispense pellets randomly so that sometimes hitting the lever produced a pellet, and sometimes it didn’t. The rats became so obsessed with the food dispenser and the anticipation of food that they stopped their usual routine. No more grooming, sleeping, and whatever the hell rats do in captivity. They started to deteriorate.

Humans aren’t much different, and we can become addicted to unavailable people who only give us crumbs. Or, they provide us with validation sometimes, and other times they don’t — they are unpredictable. A person with low self-worth will spend inordinate amounts of time trying to figure out how to hit that lever just right to get a pellet of validation.

Smartphones are the modern-day food dispenser for this type of addiction, and guys can find themselves having text-based “relationships” with physically unavailable women. The Intermittent Reinforcement is exacerbated by the Pavlovian “ding” of a text message alert that only perpetuates the anticipation, anxiety, fear, and intermittent reprieve that comes from a fantasy attachment to an unavailable woman.

What to do about it
If you see a pattern of pursuing unavailable women, or you’ve stepped out on your committed relationship to pursue risky sexual or romantic encounters, please get help. Sex and love addiction are not to be fucked with, and it’s progressive without sufficient intervention.

If you have this problem, I advise you to turn down women who don’t live in your immediate vicinity and learn to accept availability. It will not feel as exciting or electrifying as the unavailable situationship, but it won’t be as addicting.

Use text messaging to set up dates or iron out logistics, not to get to know one another. Phone calls may also be a better option, but cap it at five minutes in the early stages of dating. Of course, there will likely be a time in any relationship when a couple is separated by some circumstance, requiring more texting and long phone calls, but save it for those times.

The point is, don’t replace an in-person relationship with one based on texting or pursuing women who don’t have the same interest level as you. Unavailability or intermittent availability may feel like love initially, but it’s closer to playing a slot machine than healthy dating.

4. You’re in Love With Her Social Media

Social media has become a dominant force in our society, and I don’t like what I see. I think it’s utterly toxic to relationships, and it’s ripe with fantasy addiction and Intermittent Reinforcement. Women are beautiful, and any woman can enhance her appeal 10-fold with a good photographer and some stunning backdrops.

She may have 1,000 or 100,000 followers, but it’s likely she’s not showing the world a realistic picture of her life. Some do, but that’s an exception. She, just like you and me, only shows the highlight reel.

A man who doesn’t feel worthy is probably like most of her other male followers, oogling, liking, and commenting on her stuff. Viewing all her stories and maybe even masturbating to her images. Don’t be that guy, please, for your own sanity. At least don’t mistake fantasy for reality.

Companies like Facebook have spent millions and millions of dollars testing different algorithms, colors, layouts, response times, and features to get people as hooked as possible. What they do exceptionally well, especially on Instagram, is playing on people’s fantasies. A man who values himself will make a clear distinction and not fall prey to a woman’s online presentation.

What to do about it
It would be asinine to tell you to stop looking at social media altogether, so what I recommend is recognizing when a woman you’re dating is an online validation seeker. If it seems that her feed is primarily for “like farming,” proceed with extreme caution. If you find yourself in a relationship with her, expect that behavior to continue.

Of course, don’t be a Like Farmer yourself, and see if you’ve been curating your online life to procure validation. Chances are you have. If you’re projecting that to the world, that’s what you’ll attract, and she might be living in a fantasy around you. That’s not the basis for healthy dating, and it’s not the mark of two people who feel worthy.

5. You Have No Other Options

A man who doesn’t value himself will usually have one option going for him at a time. This translates into pedestalizing a woman before getting to know her, believing she’s the best he’ll ever get. Many other women of her caliber could want to date him, but he doesn’t see it that way.

I’ve told this joke several times:

Q: How do you know I’m on a second date?

A: The second question I ask her after “What do you want to eat?” is “What are we naming our kids?”

A woman who values herself will have several guys lined up waiting to take her out. She chooses which ones to date and doesn’t settle quickly. Of course, it’s easier for women to find dates because men constantly make themselves available to her, but men can be just as choosey.

What to do about it
First, this will require you to take the fantasy needle out of your arm and get back to reality. She’s not perfect — she may be crazy, she may be a narcissist, she may be an alcoholic, she may be a lot of things. The point is, you don’t know her after a few dates or after you’ve had sex.

I highly encourage you not to have sex quickly and date at least two women simultaneously. You don’t have to be sleeping with all of them, but you want to spread things out a bit. It’s not wrong — it’s healthy to get to know multiple women and let the universe or whatever do its thing. Otherwise, it’s like going to the hardware store, buying three buckets of green paint, and every red flag gets painted.

I recommend having a group of guys who can hold you accountable so you don’t slip back into old patterns. At first, it will be challenging not to pedestalize one woman and be the best Nice Guy ever to win her validation. Trust me, though; this is the healthier path.

Alternatively, you only date her, expect her to be everything to you from the beginning, and spend all day checking your phone while she’s making plans with other guys.

I want more for you, bruh.

Bonus: You Think That Dating an Attractive Woman Will Change Your Circumstances
News flash: It won’t, and it’s not her responsibility.

What to do about it
Work on the real issue — your feeling of unworthiness. Make the changes in your life that will please you without anyone’s validation. Not your mom, not your dad, and not women. Put yourself first. Be selfish for a change and take some time for yourself.

Embrace your natural talents and give them to the world. Realize that while you’ll never be perfect, your growth mindset will enable you to face life on life’s terms. The right women will be looking for a guy like you and will make it clear that they like you.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***