People generally have mixed attitudes toward long-distance relationships. On one hand, I’ve heard success stories of couples that have made it work wonders for them. On the other, I’ve witnessed distance leading to the demise of relationships that I thought would become happy marriages. Some people say they could never do long-distance relationships; others relish in them.

I definitely don’t love them. Yet, I’ve been in two long-distance relationships and am in one now, despite telling myself that I’d never do it again.

The current state of the world has made in-person visits difficult, but it’s given me the chance to reflect on what my long-distance relationships have instilled in me—as well as what I’m doing better this time around.

1. Intentional choices are more important than circumstances.

There seems to be a divide when it comes to how people approach the idea of “soulmates.” Some say that your soulmate is based predominantly on circumstance. If all the circumstances (or “stars”) line up for you and your partner, then your relationship will thrive. The right time, the right place are crucial for making it work.

Others say that your “soulmate” is all about the person, and as long as you and your partner align in personality, goals, values, etc., then it doesn’t matter what the circumstances are—if you’re meant to be, it will work out. The right person will allow the relationship to prevail regardless of what is thrown into the mix.

I used to believe that the right person was the defining factor of a successful relationship, but truthfully, both of these views miss a crucial component. The circumstances and the person are important, but intentional, earnest effort by both individuals is what ultimately makes or breaks a relationship. In my long-distance relationships, the circumstances weren’t in my favor whatsoever, and I spent most of the time in these relationships missing the other person.

And even if my boyfriends may have been great fits, I realized that wasn’t enough. There had to be a mutual decision to go all in, and we had to choose to be with each other every day. Without the ongoing effort and commitment, their traits or virtues—as amazing as they were—didn’t really matter. And although I can’t control the decisions of my partner, I make my choices every day.

2. Quality time is the most vital love language.

In his book, Gary Chapman describes five ways of receiving and expressing love, which include physical touch, acts of service, quality time, gifts and words of affirmation. These love languages are described as distinct avenues and unique preferences to how individuals experience love.

It seems as though all the love languages are on a level playing field. But I can confidently say that quality time is the most vital one.

This is precisely because I needed quality time to receive or express the others. What I mean is—I couldn’t really engage in the other love languages meaningfully without quality time as a qualifier. How would I cuddle with my partner, help him with around the house or understand what he would appreciate as a gift, if I didn’t get to spend adequate quality time with him?

Quality time is tough in long-distance relationships because there’s a much more limited capacity of it, and it always seems to be fleeting. But that’s why every minute during every call or visit is crucial in strengthening all other aspects of the relationship. I don’t take this time for granted.

3. The everyday things are more meaningful than grand gestures.

A key component of a healthy relationship is each partner’s keen ability to gauge the other’s everyday wants and needs. Ideally, the growth of this understanding helps the relationship become more seamless over time.

However with long-distance relationships, this luxury doesn’t come easy. Distance not only makes it difficult to communicate on a more regular basis, but it can also create this unspoken divide. In my past relationships, I noticed that our lives would fall out of line after long periods of time apart.

Don’t get me wrong—my long-distance relationships still encompassed the grand gestures. We celebrated milestones and saw each other for big events. And I admit, these hallmarks were always nice. But in the end, they aren’t enough to sustain a successful relationship.

The day-to-day minutia are what really matters, and thankfully, technology helps. Although calls and FaceTime dates are not the same as time spent face-to-face, I still make an effort to voice my desires and to thoughtfully and regularly fulfill those of my partner.

4. A romantic relationship should be a supplemental addition to your life.

You have those friends. The ones that get into relationships and then disappear from the face of the earth. Good news—if you’re in a long-distance relationships, you likely won’t become that friend.

Long-distance relationships come with a lot of cons and unfavorable aspects. But one of the key benefits that I have enjoyed is my independence. I’ve always prioritized my self-sufficiency, and I never want to be in a situation or relationship where I feel trapped.

In the past, I had been disheartened by the restrictions of distance. Yet, when it comes down to it, I know want a romantic relationship to be an addition and enhancement to my life, not a necessity. And that’s what the distance provides. I’ve been able to cultivate my own life outside of my partner’s. I can flourish in other aspects without dependence on another person. Ideally, all relationships should operate like this.

Maintaining independence also helps to build a deeper sense of self-assurance. My partner and I are focused on developing two separate lives, and I have to admit—it’s nice to know that if this relationship were to falter, my *entire* world won’t come crashing down.

5. The most crucial component of any long-term relationship is a shared vision for the future.

I’m more of a detail-oriented person, but in any committed relationship—no matter the distance—the big picture is everything. Eventually, two people in a long-distance relationship will come together. I mean, that’s the goal, right?

Long-distance relationships are significantly harder when there’s no end date in sight. In cases without a clear end date, I’ve come to value hopeful affirmations of a future together.

For me, much of this future-oriented perspective came with maturity. I realized that in my previous relationships, I didn’t have a clue on what the next couple months or years would look like, or if my partner was even present in them. Of course, this wasn’t a very promising sign. Both my partner and I should be manifesting a future that we can each fit nicely into.

This shared vision helps to develop a positive outlook on the other, sometimes bleak circumstances of long-distance relationships. In the end—distance or no distance—a joint plan for the future is what inspires two people to sail through the hardships.