I rarely write out of pure anger or frustration on Medium. However, only for this article, I’d like to be brutally honest, sharing the darkest side of Japanese society: sexism and ageism.
These two have been surrounding me throughout my life. No matter how hard I try to escape from them, they always crop up out of nowhere, and even from the least possible place and person every so often.
Japan is a homogenous country. When the majority of people do the same things, they become customs, even if these actions are out of the question in other nations and cultures.
1. “You Can Speak English Because You’re Dating Gaijin Boyfriend, Can’t You?”
If you have visited Japan, you might have felt uncomfortable being called “gaijin (foreigner).” I hate this word, even though many Japanese defend it as a descriptive term. In my opinion, it reflects a narrow-minded cultural aspect of Japan in today’s society.
It is commonly said that Japanese women are more open to other nations’ cultures and languages. I have no doubt on this theory because living in this nation as a woman is seriously suffocating, especially at work.
One of the frequently asked questions to me was, “you can speak English fluently because you’ve dated with gaijin, can’t you?” Now that I think of it, it was a judgemental statement, not a question.
I’ve always laughed it off to avoid conflicts with others ―I only heard this from men and it usually came from bosses and senior colleagues. I wish I could have told them back that it was none of your business, and I learned it all on my own, but I left those words unsaid. And now I regret that because they might have kept saying that to others too.
2. “That’s Why She’s Still Single”
I haven’t had this said to my face, but Japanese men often say this out of earshot of successful, powerful, or independent women. Japanese men tend to regard single or divorced women as incomplete, especially women over 30. It’s harsh and disgusting but pretty real.
It was depressing that one of my closest colleagues outright said to me, “getting married and becoming a mom is always the best for women.” We were both working for a big American pharma company, and he was an intelligent person. At least, before then, I thought he was.
3. Don’t Respect Elderlies, Especially Old Women
There’s an old Japanese saying, “wives and tatami mats are best when they’re new.” I hope it’s obsolete today, but it is still quoted in many contexts.
Likewise, people use the word “rekka (劣化)” when people age. It means degradation and deterioration in English. Let’s say an actress is coming back under the spotlight after a long break.
People will say “her looks have deteriorated” nonchalantly. I believe the word shouldn’t be used to describe human beings, but that’s not the case in reality.
Even teen singers and talented actors appear to fight with “occupational deterioration” in this country, and I just find it disheartening. Nevertheless, Japanese people generally worship youth and freshness rather than intelligence and maturity.
4. Never Feeding a Landed Fish
This one also originates in an old saying and is still in full swing. As I wrote in the previous piece, only 10% of Japanese married couples say “I love you” to each other on a daily basis.
It is also common for Japanese men to stop celebrating their anniversaries or buying gifts for their partners right after tying the knot. As you might have heard of it, Japanese people use both honne and tatemae during the dating phase. Tatemae to be polite for the public eyes, and honne to express their true feelings.
So, what happens after getting married? Couples share honne more openly, or they simply stop talking. I’m not joking. Adults in Japan reported the lowest sexual frequency in the world, among 41 countries. Chances are it’s pretty realistic to enter into a sexless marriage in Japan.
5. Just Hanging on a Corporate Ladder
Japanese people don’t change their jobs so often. It’s not uncommon to devote their entire lives to a single company. Thanks to the seniority system and not performance-based salaries, it is still predictable that you’ll receive better income along with your age when you work at a firm throughout your life.
Those who work for foreign capital-based firms are generally regarded as job-hoppers, even though they don’t hop as frequently compared with other countries. And even for those free spirits, the harsh reality that doesn’t allow them to land on promising positions when they become 40 or 50 years old waits for them. The job opportunities for older workers are depressingly limited in this country unless you have legitimate licenses in a specialized field or solid business experience.
Many ex-colleagues tried to stop me when I changed my job from a domestic firm to an American corporation. They said, “you shouldn’t leave only because you don’t fit in the corporate culture” or “you don’t want to keep aiming high, and you need to be satisfied with what you have already.”
Those words describe the Japanese mindset so well. Don’t seek changes. Patience and resilience are the beauty. I just felt trapped on a sinking ship, and I couldn’t stay, but nobody at the firm understood me and vice versa.
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Last but not least, of course, these cases are not applicable in all instances. I feel even a little bit guilty for some innocent middle-aged men around me. But these examples are still common in Japan. I hope knowing these wouldn’t stop you from loving a Japanese man.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Alva Pratt on Unsplash
