5 Things Unhappy Couples Do Every Day That They Think Are Normal

The first time I heard someone say:
“My wife and I have been married X years, and we’ve never had an argument…,”
I remember thinking to myself, they must have this marriage thing completely figured out. I mean, it sounded like the ultimate end goal: no tension, no slammed doors, no shouting, no conflict of any kind, just smooth sailing for all eternity.

It took me a minute (actually longer) to realize, however, that it is not really the flex it sounds like, because in real life, it is either that such a couple has completely mastered communicating at a level most humans will never reach or simply that someone is unhealthily swallowing a whole lot more than they should.

Now, once you see that, you will start noticing something else:
A lot of unhappy couples don’t look unhappy at all.

If you asked them, they would probably say, “We’re good,” and from the outside, it looks sort of fine because you see them handle their responsibilities and even laugh sometimes. But then that is the problem, because even though the relationship isn’t explosive, it is still dangerous in the sense that it has discreetly morphed into something less than what they used to be, and they call it normal.

1. They talk all the time… and say nothing that really matters

Conversation never actually stops, but it is all only“functional.” From the outside, it looks impressive, but what is really going on is that somewhere along the way, the real stuff has been excluded.

No asks, “Are you still okay?”, because they are afraid of what the answer might be. So, they never take the chance to talk about how they really feel. You know? Risking the kind of honesty that might actually change something. Therefore, the relationship becomes merely a well-run operation with little or no emotional component. The tragedy is that it is not that they can’t talk; it is just that they have learned exactly what not to say.

“They don’t risk the kind of honesty that might actually change something.”

2. They confuse the absence of conflict with peace

Now here, they will tell you almost proudly that they don’t fight, and you could be forgiven for thinking that it sounds like maturity.

In reality, however, it is usually something else, because real closeness invariably comes with friction. I mean, it is two individuals, two perspectives, something is always going to clash. This is normal.

However, what I have come to learn is that when a couple stops arguing entirely, it is usually not because they have it all figured out. It is almost always because one (or both) have decided it is simply not worth it anymore. So they let things slide, choosing “peace” over honesty over and over. Unfortunately, what we really have is just two people slowly disengaging in silence.

“I mean, it is two individuals, two perspectives, something is always going to clash. This is normal.”

3. They keep score

This is never out there in the open, but it is there in the tone and pauses. You can have one person noticing they are always the one initiating conversations, and the other notices they are always the one apologizing first, and so on.

What happens is that both partners start keeping mental tabs, even though they may never openly compare. Sadly, what usually follows is that little things suddenly become big things. Just like that, a forgotten errand is no longer just a mistake; it is typical. Nothing is ever just what it is anymore.

“What happens is both partners start keeping mental tabs even though they may never openly compare.”

4. They put in a lot of effort to look more in love outside than they feel inside

It is like when you put them in a room with other people, and something switches on, and they become warm and engaging. In that setting, you would watch them and think to yourself that these two are solid, but you don’t see them without an audience, and how fast it fades.

By themselves, the conversations get shorter, and the silence stretches a little longer than it should. It is like when they are “performing” is the only time the relationship still feels alive, and both of them are sadly aware of this.

“…but you don’t see them without an audience, and how fast it fades..”

5. They run the relationship on autopilot

This occurs because the curiosity has died off. They have the same conversations day after day, and no one is really asking any new questions anymore. To them, they already know each other (or at least they think they do), and so what is left is a shell of a relationship that just runs on its own. It may not seem bad enough to panic, but also not well enough to feel alive, just mostly nostalgic.

“You may be surprised to know that the most dangerous relationships are not the ones where the couple screams, but the ones where nobody bothers to fight anymore.”

So, how do you fix this?

I hardly think many unhappy couples wake up one day and decide to be unhappy. On the contrary, they get there the slow way by letting small disconnects repeat until they no longer feel like disconnects. The scariest part is not something meaningful turning into something manageable; it is that even from the inside, it still looks normal to them.

The good thing is it doesn’t have to involve grand gestures or expensive retreats. It is actually much smaller than that. You can look at your partner across the dinner table tonight and ask questions. Have the courage to say when you are not actually okay, especially when the autopilot wants to say otherwise. The opposite of a bad relationship is a real one, and a real relationship has friction and tiny clashes that should clear the air instead of long silences that poison the well.

Know that if you saw yourself in these five things, still do not panic. Your relationship is not necessarily broken, but you need to wake and risk being a little less “normal” today than you were yesterday to get it back on course. I see the saddest thing not as a relationship that ends, but one that looks perfectly fine to everyone else while two people inside are slowly disappearing.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.