Thomas Fiffer reveals three things men want from women in bed but rarely, if ever, ask for.
No, this is not a Cosmo article, or a spoof of one. And it’s not a list of sexual techniques. The secrets to great sex with a man are not going to be found in a women’s magazine list, and they don’t involve tips, tricks, or pleasure points, taking his clothes off, or taking the lead (though those last two are fun). We are, after all, The Good Men Project, and we give you serious relationship advice. The three things on this list may surprise you. They are requests many men are afraid to make—and many women are afraid to accommodate. (No, that isn’t one of them—though some men do enjoy it.) These are three simple behavior shifts that will change your whole sexual dynamic and open the door to new levels of intimacy and pleasure.
1. Leave the lights on. I know. Exposure is scary. You’d probably prefer to hide in the shadows, because he might think you’re ugly or find something he doesn’t like, no matter how attractive you may be. But he wants to see you. Naked. Fully naked. He wants to admire every inch of you and appreciate your whole being. And he wants to see your face and look into your eyes when you make love. The more you worry about hiding your imperfections or what you think of as your flaws, the more you remove yourself from him and the full experience of intimate connection and make your self-consciousness a third partner in the bedroom. Sure, there are times when you want the lights out. But don’t keep your man and your lovemaking perpetually in the dark. And when he tells you you’re beautiful, don’t shake your head. Smile … and believe him.
2. Give him honest direction and vocal feedback. I know. You’re worried he’ll think you’re criticizing him, or that saying something will spoil the mood. But he actually wants the truth, even if the truth is that his lovemaking needs work. And he wants to know how to please you. You’re not doing him—our yourself—a favor, by trying to protect his ego and pretending you like something you don’t, so don’t keep him in the dark when it comes to your preferences. He may be repeating something you loved (or he thought you loved), but you’re not in the mood for it this time. Or he may be hitting the jackpot. If you don’t tell him, how can he know? You can say, “No, not there.” Or, “I’d love it if you would … ” or, “I like it when you …” or simply, “Yesssssss!” Have you ever wondered why he suddenly stopped doing something that was really turning you on? Chances are it wasn’t to torture you. Men hear the sounds you make as signals, and silence—like motionlessness—can signify disappointment or boredom—even though you may be enjoying yourself. Giving a man guidance and feedback is one of the greatest gifts you can offer, because the best way to become a great lover is to get on the job training.
3. Don’t make his climax the focus. So many women think that pleasing a man is as simple as getting him off. It’s not. Two things that please a man immensely are found in the two points above: giving him the opportunity to appreciate your beauty and helping him learn how to give you pleasure. A third thing men love is foreplay and buildup, not only because it’s intimate but also because it intensifies his eventual release. I’m not talking about a technique to give a man mind-blowing orgasms. I’m talking about shattering the myth that he cares more about the destination than the journey, and that all his pleasure comes at the end. A great deal of his pleasure comes from making you happy, because this makes him feel talented, appreciated, and successful. When a man loves you, knowing that he knows how to please you rocks his boat as much or more than getting his rocks off. Sure, there are times when he wants something quick and dirty, or when he just wants you to take care of him. But taking care of the whole man sexually acknowledges the whole person, not just one part of him.
Surprised? If you already knew this stuff, more power—and pleasure—to you. But if you didn’t, you’re in for a treat.
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Photo—Gabriel S. Delgado C./Flickr