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They are requests many men are afraid to make—and many women are afraid to accommodate.
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No, this is not a Cosmo article, or a spoof of one. And it’s not a list of sexual techniques. The secrets to great sex with a man are not going to be found in a women’s magazine list, and they don’t involve tips, tricks, or pleasure points, taking his clothes off, or taking the lead (though those last two are fun). We are, after all, The Good Men Project, and we give you serious relationship advice. The three things on this list may surprise you. They are requests many men are afraid to make—and many women are afraid to accommodate. (No, that isn’t one of them—though some men do enjoy it.) These are three simple behavior shifts that will change your whole sexual dynamic and open the door to new levels of intimacy and pleasure.
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He wants to see you. Naked. Fully naked. He wants to admire every inch of you and appreciate your whole being.
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1. Leave the lights on. I know. Exposure is scary. You’d probably prefer to hide in the shadows, because he might think you’re ugly or find something he doesn’t like, no matter how attractive you may be. But he wants to see you. Naked. Fully naked. He wants to admire every inch of you and appreciate your whole being. And he wants to see your face and look into your eyes when you make love. The more you worry about hiding your imperfections or what you think of as your flaws, the more you remove yourself from him and the full experience of intimate connection and make your self-consciousness a third partner in the bedroom. Sure, there are times when you want the lights out. But don’t keep your man and your lovemaking perpetually in the dark. And when he tells you you’re beautiful, don’t shake your head. Smile … and believe him.
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You can say, “No, not there.” Or, “I’d love it if you would … ” or, “I like it when you …” or simply, “Yesssssss!”
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2. Give him honest direction and vocal feedback. I know. You’re worried he’ll think you’re criticizing him, or that saying something will spoil the mood. But he actually wants the truth, even if the truth is that his lovemaking needs work. And he wants to know how to please you. You’re not doing him—our yourself—a favor, by trying to protect his ego and pretending you like something you don’t, so don’t keep him in the dark when it comes to your preferences. He may be repeating something you loved (or he thought you loved), but you’re not in the mood for it this time. Or he may be hitting the jackpot. If you don’t tell him, how can he know? You can say, “No, not there.” Or, “I’d love it if you would … ” or, “I like it when you …” or simply, “Yesssssss!” Have you ever wondered why he suddenly stopped doing something that was really turning you on? Chances are it wasn’t to torture you. Men hear the sounds you make as signals, and silence—like motionlessness—can signify disappointment or boredom—even though you may be enjoying yourself. Giving a man guidance and feedback is one of the greatest gifts you can offer, because the best way to become a great lover is to get on the job training.
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When a man loves you, knowing that he knows how to please you rocks his boat as much or more than getting his rocks off.
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3. Don’t make his climax the focus. So many women think that pleasing a man is as simple as getting him off. It’s not. Two things that please a man immensely are found in the two points above: giving him the opportunity to appreciate your beauty and helping him learn how to give you pleasure. A third thing men love is foreplay and buildup, not only because it’s intimate but also because it intensifies his eventual release. I’m not talking about a technique to give a man mind-blowing orgasms. I’m talking about shattering the myth that he cares more about the destination than the journey, and that all his pleasure comes at the end. A great deal of his pleasure comes from making you happy, because this makes him feel talented, appreciated, and successful. When a man loves you, knowing that he knows how to please you rocks his boat as much or more than getting his rocks off. Sure, there are times when he wants something quick and dirty, or when he just wants you to take care of him. But taking care of the whole man sexually acknowledges the whole person, not just one part of him.
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Surprised? If you already knew this stuff, more power—and pleasure—to you. But if you didn’t, you’re in for a treat.
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You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
This was an interesting article – not entirely surprising for me, but good to have…I dunno…confirmation I guess. I agree with Amelia – the sensory distraction of the lights can be a bit much, unless you’re really swept away in the moment! Also, I’d just like to say about Christopher – as much as I very much understand where the women who replied are coming from, at least he can admit it. I think that says a lot. I feel like a large proportion of dudes wouldn’t make such an admittance on a public forum, or even privately. So…yeah. That’s… Read more »
I’ve discovered recently that I don’t like lights on because all the sensory input gets me distracted. When the lights are off (or very low) I’m only focused on the feel of a hand sliding down my arm. I notice the teeth grazing along my shoulders. I feel the sting of delicious pinching. When the lights are on and my brain is also having to process what I’m seeing, I think my senses are dulled somewhat and I don’t get to fully settle in to the experience. We are so visually driven, in those intimate moments I really REALLY like… Read more »
“don’t keep your man and your lovemaking perpetually in the dark.” Literally and figuratively.
Many imperfections a woman has about her body the man more than likely hasn’t even noticed, or bothered about. Remember also that beauty adverts and promos are mostly done by women.
I do agree with the article and also add in a few other elements. I’m a licensed professional counselor in Michigan and also a relationship & sex specialist. Kal you did bring up some true aspects, and women are more sexually confident and assured which is incredible! 🙂 Though I also see and hear from quite a few ladies that are still embarrassed, have body image issues, fearful they won’t do something right or pleasing, and lack confidence. I’m all in for both genders pleasing one another and learning what pleases the other big time! To break through the shyness… Read more »
I think this article is intended for older females. Women growing up and dedicating themselves to heterosexual marriages don’t have issues with taking the lead sexually in the 21st century. . They aren’t embarrassed to have sex with the lights on ( Or in at noon in broad daylight in a hidden spot in the woods) They aren’t embarrassed to ask a partner to perform oral sex on them or to perform certain ways in the bedroom. I don’t hear a lot of complaints about sex from any of my male or female friends in their 30’s . I do… Read more »
Its nice to read something so off beat.. But I think you are wrong in assuming one fact..
Women want lights shut because they don’t want to see the flaws of their partners… or in my case.. His Glory!! (Body hair)
We know that they aren’t perfect (Pieces of work and wonder at times!)and/ or Zeus’s sons.. That, need not be reinforced. You see me, I see you, remember?
This article screams my husbands name! He has always made It all about me in the bedroom, and what was written is so spot on with him! We love each other immensely and that makes for a great sex life for us!
Thank you for writing this article. What you said really does work! I left the lights on last night and also vocalized my pleasure and pointed out things I liked that he did. I am in love with my FWB and although in the past (we’ve only known each other for 4 months) he’s tried to keep emotionally distant, last night he initiated “pillow talk” and asked me if I loved him. Of course I told him yes I did because I really do! Instead of just kissing me and leaving almost right away, last night he couldn’t stop kissing… Read more »
As a guy, I couldn’t agree more!!! And for me, the journey is much more important than the destination.
I couldn’t agree more. It breaks my heart when I hear women say that they won’t get naked in front of their husband. How can we get naked (ie truly open and intimate) with our partner if we don’t allow them to see us while all our defenses are down?
Thankfully my husband and I regularly share a bath together and it is where we share some of our best discussions.
I am putting all this in my upcoming book “Every Goddess’s Guide to sex, Love and Life”
My husband said whoever wrote this gets an “A” he said its right on point
I’ve been meeting the Wrong Men!!!
I like this article. It is a real bummer sometimes when women always hide the body or hide their face, especially when they are really enjoying it. It can lessen the fun of sex and even make a person wonder sometimes, even though we know it is because she is self-conscious. Showing us and allowing a man to see and experience your body tells him that you are into it and are desiring him to make love with you. In a fuller sense, if I may say it that way. Because, instead of covering up you are exposing yourself, and… Read more »
1. I want you to acknowledge wether or not you really are (sexually) attracted to me. Don’t play games, and don’t say that you intend to do something that you have no real interest in doing. 2. I want you to let me know what you want (me) to do, and also correct me right away for not getting it right. Though, if you tell me to do A that seems to leave you rather indifferent, and I discover that doing it slightly different like B seems to getting you fired up significantly more, I will probably be prone to… Read more »
I think you could flip all of this around and it would be true for women too. I find men are far too conscious of their own imperfections and often rush sex because they’re worried you might see their flaws and change your mind. Similarly, the advent of political correctness has meant that a lot of men become female orgasm obsessed, as if that were the one and only mark of their virility. A lot of women don’t orgasm that easily or are not multi-orgasmic. This is a porn myth that has made its way into a lot of sexual… Read more »
Remittance Girl:
Very few readers here would know your status in the community of erotic writers. Glad to see you are perusing this site and offering your usual deeply insightful commentary.
By error I have already posted a first message so I will simply continue. ! I am pretty sure that the media and how our society keeps showing a reference of perfection for the body of a perfectly beautiful female brings self-doubt when woman start to compare the way they look compared to what perfection is supposed to be. And they are fooled even more because of the miracles photoshop and make-up can accomplish ! One of the breasts of my wife has a beauty spot. That breast is my favourite while still you have the paradox that the other… Read more »
Hello Thomas,
Your article has come to me via the “Zite” application on my iPad, which selects stuff to read according to your taste. And, I am delighted by what you have written ! I have noticed that other readers are delighted too !
There is plenty to say but I’d like to focus on how women look at their body and often they have lack of confidence. This is also true about my wife but she won’t admit it !
I must be extremely lucky. We have never bothered to turn off the lights, he asks for direction, and he puts off the end just to prolong the great middle. It’s open, honest, and completely unhidden, but it has taken 2 previous sad marriages and in our forties to arrive there-no matter. It’s a great place to be and your insights are 100% on for this couple.
Cindy, Sometimes time is the best teacher. Thanks for sharing your story here.
Great insights wrapped in a provocative title – awesome!
Thanks, Tor. That was my intention, and it’s gratifying to have it validated.
I felt this was spot on for how men feel when they are with a woman that they have true feelings for! Now I have been that guy in the past that was only with the girl to “get mine” but in every relationship that I cared for the woman as more than a sexual partner, I did everything to bring them pleasure over my own.
One of my favorite things to do, is watching her get ready in the morning…basking in her natural beauty as she masks it with make-up and cloths.
Chris, Thanks so much for sharing your experience and perspective. I love the image of the morning: there’s nothing quite like admiring the person you love.
Christopher, you may want to consider treating the women you have casual sex with a little better. Not saying you have to be all lovely dovey with them but it is disturbing that you make a clear distinction between how you treat different women depending on what you get from them. It doesn’t speak well of your general relationship with women, no matter how kind you are to women you feel more romantic feelings for. I suspect that more women would probably engage in casual sex if the men they were having casual sex with treated them them more like… Read more »
I feel the same way as you, Erin! Obviously when you know someone and have feelings for them you want to please them for more reasons. The casual situations I’ve been in were with guys who get off on getting women off and that ensured I didn’t feel used and that is so essential when it comes to hookups. No one wants to feel dissatisfied or used and using any person just to cater to your sexual gratification is selfish and inhumane. As someone who as been used by someone like that, who I actually knew and had feelings for,… Read more »
Thank you, ladies. I jumped on here to say the same thing. There’s a real maturity/respect problem with men who make the distinction of “these women are on a pedestal vs these women are less than” yet I am having a sexual relationship with both groups of them. Don’t have sexual relationships with people you don’t respect.
It’s not neccessary to put someone on a pedestal in order to respect them.
I’d even say that often, the pedestal is the opposite of respect.
This is excellent feedback. My boyfriend makes the distinction between sex with women he cares for and casual sex – as in there are things he doesn’t do with women he cares for out of respect – and I try to explain that all women should be respected equally. He can’t understand why this disturbs me – I’m going to get him to read your comment 🙂
And you men still want women to have more sex with you, pff. A lot of guys ask why women don’t engage in casual sex as much as men… well, maybe because you guys believe only your penises deserve pleasure and will do nothing to help women have fun and feel pleasure, too (while feeling entitled to fun and pleasure)? Sorry, but you guys SUCK.
“I have been that guy in the past that was only with the girl to “get mine” I’ve been on the receiving end of that kind of treatment & started referring to it as being treated like a live blow-up doll.
Excellent article! And I can absolutely vouch for all three. I don’t believe my partner has ever had anyone really take their time pleasing him…bringing him close to orgasm and then stopping and switching things up, only to do it all over again. I would say he likes that VERY much. And I absolutely agree that he gets as much pleasure out of pleasing me as I do out of pleasing him and really appreciates feedback. It’s a definite win-win when you take this approach in the bedroom. And I LOVE this line…”make your self-consciousness a third partner in the… Read more »
Joyce, Thank you so much for sharing your experience and your insightful additions to the article. I hope readers who need to will take your comments to heart.
Absolutely. I have experienced that in my relationship–men do love all of those things. And, it makes for a much better experience when both parties are open and connected.
Thank you for helping women see that men do have an emotional side by reinforcing the idea of pleasure as giving and receiving.
Walker, Thank you for bringing out the point I was trying to make. It’s about educating men and women so they can be happier together.
I’ve know it for a very long time, sadly the men I know don’t know or don’t want those 3 things. 🙁 wassup wit dat?
Betinka, I’m sorry the men in your life don’t seem to understand your needs or theirs very well. There are good ones out there …
Omg, what DO they want then?
Damn that doesn’t sound fun.. I’m guessing THESE MEN are all just hookups, rather then you having some type of real relationship with them?