Over 20-plus years of marriage, I’ve discovered that some of the characteristics that are most appreciated in a partner are ones I never considered looking for when I was dating.
Back then, some of my friends had a list of desired qualities they were looking for in a partner. I didn’t. I was looking for something I couldn’t define.
I thought I’d just know. I’d feel it.
One of my guilty pleasures is watching reality shows like Love is Blind and Married at First Sight. I love to try to guess which couples will work out and which won’t. (I’m pretty good at it.) In both of these series, there’s a lot of talk about chemistry. Everyone wants it. Everyone is looking for it.
They are in search of a feeling.
I get it. Sexual attraction to your partner is important. I’m not disregarding that. I was looking for that too.
But there are several more subtle characteristics a partner may or may not possess that have also turned out to be much more important than I ever would have guessed.
The Britannica dictionary defines a characteristic as “a special quality or trait that makes a person, thing, or group different from others.”
Not everyone possesses these.
They’ve found work they love
On reality dating shows, whether a potential partner has a career and how much money they make is a hot topic. In a recent episode I watched, it was revealed that a man only had paper plates and plastic cups in his apartment. He had bad credit. The relationship was pretty much over after that.
It seems common that career ambition is seen as an asset, especially in men. A certain amount of income is considered a requirement. Some women on these shows talk about needing to maintain a lifestyle they have gotten used to, or aspire to have with a partner, that requires a certain income level.
I’m not judging any of that. If this is how someone feels it’s a very good idea to be forthcoming and honest about it upfront. People have very different ideas of what marriage and a “good life” look like. Both partners should get clarity on that early on.
Yet I’ve come to believe that what’s more important in the long run is not how much money a potential partner currently makes, it’s if they love their work or the field they are in.
If they don’t love what they do or are fascinated or challenged by it, they have a high chance of burnout and ultimately no chance of real success, because a profession you don’t love can never be satisfying, no matter how much money you make.
When I met my husband he had just quit his high-paying job in tech to pursue a career in filmmaking. The financial success in that field came later, but it wouldn’t have if he hadn’t identified his passion. I do not doubt that if he’d stayed where he was, he would have become miserable, no matter how much money he made.
In the long run, a person working a low-paying or entry-level job in a field they’re passionate about growing in will be able to find satisfaction in their career. A person making bank in a soul-sucking job won’t. A person who is satisfied with their work makes a much better partner than one whose work is stressful, unsatisfying, soul-crushing, and mind-numbing.
They enjoy simple activities
It’s expensive to live these days. If you want to have a family or own a home, your fixed living expenses will dramatically increase even more. In my 20s, I had no kids, no car, no house, and no yard to maintain. I shared the rent on a small apartment with one or two roommates. My only pets were fish who never seemed to live very long.
In short, my expenses were far below what they are now. I was content to just support myself and enjoy life in the city.
After I met my husband, that changed. I wanted a house (that needed to be furnished), and kids. We had savings goals. In time we had more monthly expenses, more mouths to feed, and people to support: two kids, a couple of dogs, and a bunny too. There’s a reason you don’t see too many parents of young children playing golf. It takes too much time and it’s too expensive.
When the pressures of later adulthood eventually arise, it helps to have a partner who enjoys doing fun things that are easy to fit into your schedule and don’t cost much (if anything).
I never would have thought to ask if a date liked taking walks. But walks are fun and free and easy to do anytime and anywhere. So are things like hiking, cards, board games, reading, frisbee, and listening to music.
Despite what Instagram influencers might tell you, not every weekend needs to be epic. Being happy doing karaoke in your living room with friends on a Friday night is a good thing. Lately, this is the activity of choice at our house and it’s been so much fun. No cover charge and no overpriced cocktails necessary.
Partners who enjoy simple activities recognize it’s more about spending time with people you care about. They have their priorities in order and can have fun spending less.
They enjoy serving others
Selfishness is always a turnoff. That’s an obvious red flag.
If you ask a potential partner for help with something, you expect them to be willing to at least try. (And if they aren’t willing now, they won’t be in the future, so you better run.)
If a friend of theirs asks for help, do they also offer their assistance? This is a good sign too. They’re a reliable person who others feel they can turn to for help.
But what about being willing to help others who can’t return the favor? Have they discovered the joy of serving with no expectation of repayment?
My husband and I have been participating in preparing and hosting a free meal for the community once a month for the last several years (with a break during COVID-19).
And I have to tell you something.
When I look across the room and see my husband engaging in a conversation with a guest, or helping someone with a walker or in an electric cart choose what to eat from the buffet I always think he looks amazing. It doesn’t matter what he’s wearing or if he is overdue for a haircut.
Partners who recognize that life is not all about what you get, but also about what you give to others will always be very attractive. Volunteering together is a great bonding experience and a way to help you both feel more grateful for the life you share. It also helps solidify your shared values.
They aren’t concerned with social climbing
When you’re dating, it can be fun to be with someone who always knows where the next party is and can introduce you to lots of people. I always found these kinds of guys exciting, at least at first.
Unbeknownst to me at the time, however, I’m an introvert. So I value relationships more for their depth than for their quantity.
Life has shown me that it’s more important to have a few real friends you can call if you need a ride home from the hospital or you forgot to pick your kid up at school than it is to “know” a lot of people or have thousands of friends or followers on social media.
In my experience, people who are focused on social climbing when they are young are likely to be interested in keeping up with the Joneses as adults. I’m here to tell you that I’ve seen it and that’s an exhausting, and inauthentic, way to live.
It’s vitally important that your partner has friends to have fun with, share experiences with and get emotional support from. They don’t all have to be your friends too. But it’s best if those friendships are based on common interests and genuine caring rather than what the person might be able to do for them.
Real friendships require time and effort. A partner willing to nurture these kinds of relationships is more likely to do the same with you. This is an important thing to recognize. All relationships need ongoing nurturing. There is no “set it and forget it.”
Those who know this are going to be more likely to bring this same attitude to your relationship and do what it takes to keep your bond strong and growing as the years pass.
So what if they don’t know 1000s of people? That might be a good thing.
They possess intellectual curiosity
Even with all the chemistry in the world (and all the Botox), you can’t expect a partner’s looks to last forever. We all are going to get old — if we’re lucky. We can try to fight against it with hair dye, exercise, diet, facials, and even more drastic measures if that’s your thing.
It’s still going to happen.
If our looks may fade as we get older, one thing I’ve noticed that doesn’t is the appeal of intellectual curiosity and accumulated knowledge.
These are traits that do more than maintain their appeal, they can grow. To find out if a potential partner possesses intellectual curiosity, you can ask yourself:
- Are they interested in the world?
- Do they set emotions aside to determine the truth?
- Do they like to learn?
- Do they still ask questions?
- Are they at least willing to entertain the idea that reality may not only consist of what they can see or comprehend themselves?
- Do they enjoy discussing books, articles, or documentaries?
“Yes” answers to any of these questions are a good thing.
When I was a teenager, I remember struggling with the New York Times crossword. I could not fathom how anyone knew the answers to even half the clues. I just didn’t have enough life experience (and hadn’t read or learned enough) to figure out the answers.
A couple of decades later, that has changed. I can often figure it out (or at least get pretty close). With intention, accumulated knowledge and experience only get better with age.
And to me, that can be very attractive. They ensure you always have something interesting to talk about. They prevent life from becoming boring.
The last four can help make the first one possible
I don’t want to disregard how difficult it can be to find or pursue a career that you love. It can be very difficult. You may need to compromise to stay in a field, even if you can do exactly what you want to do. Sacrifices likely need to be made along the way.
In the second apartment we shared, my husband and I slept on an air mattress and had dressers made out of cardboard boxes (built by me!). We accidentally bought a pump for the mattress that plugged into a cigarette lighter instead of an outlet. So each time it deflated, we had to take the mattress out to where the car was parked on the street to pump it back up.
It’s a good thing we weren’t worried about keeping up with the neighbors — we lived in Beverly Hills!
I didn’t realize it then, but that was a real plus. So was our intellectual connection. Other characteristics listed here, like a love of service, we developed later. So while these five characteristics might not be innate to everyone, I think they can be cultivated with intention. And doing so is worth it.
Which of these characteristics do you find more appealing?
How many of them do you possess yourself?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Ben White on Unsplash
