It happened again.
The woman I loved taped danced on my heart with spiked shoes. Following her sudden departure, the mirror revealed a disturbing visual.
My signature smile was out of order, my muscular physique was comprised, and my thick black hair began to gray after years of relational stress.
I had two choices:
- Either succumb to the fate of unrelenting stress.
- Or sow back the wounds inflicted by cupid’s arrow.
Fortunately, in the face of emotional turmoil, I chose the latter; a choice you may have to make one day as well.
Hopefully, that day never comes. But if it does, here’s how you can hack your emotions and orchestrate some good ol’ self-healing.
1. Genesis: listen to the little birdie
You’ve been there before. After tiptoeing in love’s market, you grew tired of dabbling in the dating world and made a life-changing choice.
You stepped down from the high ranks of “playa’s paradise” and joined forces with a partner who seemed like heaven. However, it was quite the opposite.
His smile hid his vicious anger, her curvacious body concealed her toxicity, and his confident look was a blanket to cover the layers of his insecurity.
One day, through a small window of your subconscious mind, a wise little birdie came to visit and warned you of the troubles that lay ahead.
But surprisingly, you didn’t listen.
Now, in the face of heartbreak, the little birdie has returned; this time with a different message.
She comes chirping the tunes of inner strength, gives you a little pep talk, and reminds you of an unquestionable fact: you’re indestructible.
When wounded on love’s battlefield, we often cry over our present pain and forget the unlikely circumstances we overcame in the past.
- Your previous breakup: you got over it.
- Getting bullied in school: it made you stronger.
- The parental abuse: it taught you that you don’t need to rule with an iron fist.
This is why the little birdie is here: to remind you of your previous victories. Take the advice of the little birdie and revisit the past to sow a seed of confidence in present healing.
2. Enter the dark side
Adulthood breakups led to a disturbing realization: our tears are on a budget. That’s right. Despite our crushed spirit, we have responsibilities that we can’t ignore:
- a workday that demands your full attention
- a demanding child who isn’t concerned with mommy’s crying
- a blog post awaiting completion if you’re ever going to become a successful writer.
But when handling these everyday responsibilities you’re not alone. Visuals of the breakup from days before haunt you throughout the day and spook you out of the present moment.
They keep knocking on the door, pleading for your attention, and eventually breaking their way in.
This only leads to one thing:
an emotional outburst; an act that may cost you your job or have a traumatic effect on your children.
So what do you do when the breakup monster comes banging at your door?
You must enter the dark side; a place that has resurrected countless victims from the pains of heartbreak.
…
On the night my ex left the apartment, she vowed never to return.
While under intense emotional stress, I made a vow myself; a vow that would change the trajectory of my life and fast-forward my emotional healing.
A vow that you should make as well;
I was going to take a field trip within and elevate my meditation practice to unknown heights. In other words, I entered the dark side.
The dark side of the force is the pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.
Star wars.
Equipped with a heavy heart and buckets of tears, I dove wholeheartedly into meditation.
The result might surprise you.
Four hours later, the buckets of tears dried away and I stepped out of the dark side wearing a new outfit: a childlike smile.
Following heartbreaks, we often dive headfirst into distractive activities:
- Binge watching Netflix
- Stacking up hours of overtime at work
- Scuba diving into delicious ice cream
These distractions temporarily shelter us from the pain that lives deep inside. But eventually, the pain will come knocking at your door.
Instead of hiding from the pain, what if you let it in?
By sitting in meditation for hours, you’ll encounter every negative thought possible.
However, this is great news.
In only four hours of mediation, you’ll encounter a week’s worth of negative thoughts and emotions.
Emotions are always in motion.
Osho
After you open the door to these emotions and let them inside, they’ll run elsewhere and visit the next break-up victim.
Sounds like an intimidating task right?
In the dark side, deep breathing is your best friend. In my journey, deep breathing released layers of stress and remedied my deepest pains.
However, the dark side isn’t something you visit periodically. Following my break up, I meditated four hours a day for two weeks.
The results were astounding. In my daily commute, everyone thought that everything was normal and was clueless about my new relationship status.
What are the odds of going from laying on the floor crying to standing with a firm smile?
Meditation has a unique way of changing the odds in your favor. No one wants to meditate for four hours.
However, a simple hour may suffice.
3. Forget your new friends. Rekindle relationships with ghosted friends
It happens to almost all of us:
Suddenly we’re hit with a love spell and abandon our friends in the process. However, it doesn’t happen overnight.
As time goes on, you slowly disengage from activities with the boys or date night with the girls. Slowly, your presence in your friendships begins to fade; and eventually, the unfortunate happens: you become a ghost.
Your new relationship requires you to be a different self. And before you know it:
Abracadabra, your former self disappears.
But now your relationship is over. Your “relationship self” is unfamiliar with the harsh terrain of singleness.
In an attempt to take the mask off, you take your ghost hands, text your old friends, and attempt to resurrect your abandoned friendships from the grave.
But something’s off. You’re friends notice something rather disturbing: The old you is nonexistent.
Your friends, in desperate need to revive the old you, strap you inside, and take you down memory lane.
Then, something sparks.
You remember your cherished hobbies, your abandoned life’s purpose, and the abundant smile offered by the single life.
…
After breakups, we attempt to heal our “relationship selves.” However, the person who you were before entering the relationship didn’t have the same wounds.
Instead of trying to heal your new wounds, leave your relationship corpse behind, and possess the identity of the old self.
Rekindling old friendships makes this easier especially if you were in a toxic relationship.
We all have that one reliable friend that we can call at any time of the day. Pick up the phone, call that friend, and allow her to help you morph into the old self.
4. Get some spikes.
Months after my breakup, the unthinkable happened: I got a call from my ex-girlfriend.
What she said next surprised me.
Jenae revealed that she received a promotion at her job, rekindled her relationship with a distant sister, and was running a nighttime hustle at night.
Instead, of being stagnant after our breakup, Jenae kept moving the chains and ran into the end zone.
…
What do football players do when they enter the end zone?
Obviously, they spike the ball.
The more spikes you can get after a breakup, the more distance you’ll create from those heartbreaking feelings.
What is your passion?
What are your hobbies?
What are your goals?
Move the chains forward in the areas above to accumulate a few spikes!
5. Discover the competitive self. Take the healing challenge
You probably “self-healed” yourself more than you know it.
After my breakup, I decided to take the ultimate challenge:
healing myself without depending on the input of friends and family.
As a competitor, there’s something deep within me that loves to win. When I played basketball, I woke me up at two a.m. to practice. When I wanted a promotion at work, I arrived earlier and worked later than my coworkers.
If you’re a competitor, harnessing the competitive spirit will help you rise to the occasion. If not, this won’t make any sense to you.
Most of us are competitors in multiple areas of life. We compete for the highest raise at work, having the last word in an argument, or even a simple game of cards.
However, when it comes to healing, we tend to leave our inner competitor sitting on the sideline.
Do you like to compete?
If so, do as I did, and deploy your competitive spirit to heal the wounds of cupid’s arrow.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Xavi Cabrera on Unsplash