5 Ways To Flirt When You’re Afraid They Won’t Reciprocate

Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.

When We Play It Safe

In this video, I want to show you how you can dramatically increase the number of opportunities and attraction you experience in your love life by sharing five tried-and-tested flirting techniques. These techniques not only work but are subtle enough that you won’t risk looking desperate or getting painfully rejected while trying them.

I’m even going to illustrate one of them using Frodo Baggins—well, not exactly Frodo, but Elijah Wood. And I’ll share something amazing my wife said to flirt with me in the very beginning of us knowing each other.

Our fear of how we’ll look when we try to flirt—and the idea of it going wrong—can make us spend our lives playing it safe, especially when it comes to the people we really like. That’s understandable, because we know their rejection will hurt the most. And if it goes wrong, we might feel like we have to move countries, even though there are still six months left on our apartment lease!

But we can end up playing it so safe that nothing interesting ever actually happens in love. We miss out on real opportunities where something could have blossomed. And we’re left with that nagging feeling that maybe part of the reason we’re still single is because we’re holding ourselves back.

By the way, I’m Matthew Hussey, author of Love Life, and my goal with this channel is to help you with the three relationships that determine your quality of life: your relationship with other people, with yourself, and with life itself. It would mean a lot if you subscribed. I’m putting a lot of effort into these videos every week to bring you content that’s worthy of your precious time. But if you’re not subscribed, you might not even see it when it comes out—so hit that button.

All right, let’s jump into it.

1. Do 5% More Than You Would Normally Do

Here are five risk-free ways to start flirting and dramatically increase attraction. At the end of the video, I’ll tell you what all five have in common.

Let’s start with number one: do 5% more than you would normally do.

If you want to avoid looking desperate while flirting, it might help to take the word flirting out of your mind for a moment. Many of us—consciously or unconsciously—connect flirting to sexuality. And while flirting is a point on the continuum toward connection and intimacy, our fear of seeming overly sexual or creepy often causes us to default to doing nothing at all.

So now, we’re at an event, standing around waiting for someone to approach us instead of looking for the small ways to initiate.

You could be standing in line next to someone who looks as cold as you feel and say, “Oh no, we should have brought bigger jackets, shouldn’t we?”

Is that flirting? If it’s done with a playful openness to possibility—yes. Or maybe you’re just being friendly. Who knows? That’s the point.

Flirting isn’t binary—it’s not a switch that’s either on or off. It’s more like a temperature gauge in a car you can turn up or down. First, you have to turn the engine on, which means engaging someone in even the smallest way.

Start small, and it’s barely detectable. You’re doing and saying things that could be innocuous—even if someone in a relationship said them. But keep going, and at some point, you’ll start to feel the temperature rise.

And remember—interacting 5% more than you normally do may feel like a lot to you, but it won’t feel like a lot to others.

When I coach people in business or online presence, I ask them to use their body more when making videos. They move a little and feel like it was over-the-top. But to the audience, it barely registers.

So once the engine is on, how do you turn up the temperature without overexposing yourself?

2. Switch to the Language of Tension

After nearly two decades of coaching, I’ve met a certain kind of person who says, “Matthew, I have no problem talking to people. I do it for my job. But nothing ever seems to happen romantically.”

This person might be good at turning the engine on—engaging people—and getting to a comfortable “70 degrees,” but never beyond that into sexual chemistry. Why? Because their conversations lack tension.

Conversation + Tension = “I have to see you again.”

Without tension, it’s just talk. So why does tension fail to build?

Maybe they talk too much. Maybe the conversation becomes an interview instead of a playful back-and-forth. Maybe they never break away, and the other person starts feeling trapped.

Have you ever wanted to escape a conversation that started out fine but went on too long? That’s what I mean.

Tension can mean breaking away—for example, to talk to someone else—and then finding ways to reinitiate.

Imagine: you meet someone at an event, bond over being rational people tired of new-age clichés, then get separated. Later, while someone is telling you they were a 12th-century healer in a past life, you lean over to the person you liked earlier and say:

“Remind me to tell you about the greatest conversation I just had.”

That’s tension. You were separated (space was created), then reinitiated in a playful, intriguing way. That rhythm—closing space, recreating space—is the essence of tension.

Flirting in Your Specific Scenario

Flirting is scenario-dependent. If you’re wondering how to flirt in your own unique situation—whether from an app, in person, or getting out of the friend zone—you can get advice tailored to your specific scenario with my tool, Matthew AI.

Right now, and until Friday, it’s available for an entire month for only $7. Unlimited use. Go to askmh.com.

It’s handled over 2 million questions—and even weird ones like how many antique brooches to wear on a first date. (Answer: three.)

3. Create a Shared World

A friend of mine once started flirting with his now-girlfriend during a class. One day he kept saying how hungry he was, so she gave him an apple. The next day, he brought her an apple as a joke.

This little apple exchange became an ongoing ritual—and eventually, at a party he hosted, he served apple slices and peanut butter as a private nod to their inside joke.

Shared little worlds like that are powerful. They create an exclusive space just for the two of you, and that signals a connection. These private patterns require both people to participate. One person sees the moment, the other plays along. It’s mutual.

These shared “games” create fun, and fun builds connection. The game forces you to be present and reactive in the moment.

Next time you’re talking with someone, don’t just collect information—look for ways to play. Stay present. Respond in real time. That’s where the magic starts.

4. Practice Changing Gears

I’ve watched a lot of first dates on TV shows where nothing happened because the pace never changed. It was stuck in one gear—usually fast. People talked too quickly, nodded too much, never paused. It was anxious energy.

But seduction often happens when things slow down: extended eye contact, subtle moments. Of course, you don’t want to be monotone and low-energy the entire time either.

Attraction comes from contrast. Sometimes it’s high energy and laughter. Other times, it’s slow, connected, and still.

Let me show you an example from Elijah Wood. He was on First We Feast, ranking his favorite sandwiches. As silly as that sounds, his expressions changed constantly—serious to playful, cheeky to thoughtful.

His reaction to a ham sandwich? Endearing. Charming. You could even call it flirtatious.

Viewers noticed too:
“I’ve never found Frodo more attractive.”
“All we want is someone to smile at us the way he smiles at ham sandwiches.”

You can create magnetism talking about anything—even sandwiches. Flirting is energy, not necessarily content.

5. Notice Something in a Flirtatious Way

Now for the final technique—one my wife Audrey used on me early on.

On one of our first dates, I ordered something spicy. She looked at me and said, “I think it’s really attractive when someone likes spicy food. I think it says a lot about them.”

She didn’t stare into my soul when she said it—it was casual, then she moved on. That’s what made it powerful.

You don’t have to wait for a date to do this. If you see a Spirited Away poster behind someone on FaceTime, you could say:
“Is that Spirited Away on your wall?”
When they say yes, reply: “Well played.”
Then, if they ask why, say, “You just went up a notch in my books.”

These comments aren’t sexual—but they carry flirtatious energy.

What These 5 Things Have in Common

All five of these flirting techniques share one key thing in common:

They’re not something someone can reject.

You’re not putting your heart on the line by saying, “You’re gorgeous,” and bracing for impact. You’re simply starting the engine and gradually turning up the temperature.

Yes, we’re back in the car.

If you enjoyed this and want more, let me know in the comments. And don’t forget to get your $7 unlimited Matthew AI deal at askmh.com—only a few days left.

Enjoy, and ask anything you want.

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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