If hearing those words makes you break into a cold sweat, you are not alone. It can be stressful to know that someone in your life is upset— especially if it’s about something that you did. Yikes!
Thankfully, you can develop your listening skills. Here are a few tools that you can use to show up more and freak out less in conversations:
1) Clarify The Agenda
The person who started this discussion might be emotional. And big emotions–– whether anger, sadness, or fear–– can lead to unfocused conversations. That might sound like:
Last week you said that you were going to take me out on a date–– then you decided to spend time with your friends, instead. Then you were late to our couples therapy session. Plus, you didn’t take out the trash!
There are three distinct topics here: the importance of showing up for date night, being on time for therapy, and committing to your household responsibilities. In order to maximize the effectiveness of your discussion, you need to choose one. Here’s a script for how to do that:
I’m hearing you say that you want to talk about (topic one), (topic two,) and (topic three). Can we focus on (chosen topic) today, and have those other conversations at (a specific later time)? I want to stay connected to you, and if we try and talk about everything at once, I’m probably going to get overwhelmed and shut down.
By sharing something along these lines, the person you’re speaking with will hopefully understand that you care. You’re not trying to shut them down. In fact, you care about connection with them so much that you’re willing to have multiple discussions in order to make sure that they’re understood.
General pro tip: Bring up issues with someone individually, not all at once. It’s difficult enough to be told that you messed up once, let alone attacked with an avalanche of complaints all at once.
2) Be Present
Your sympathetic nervous system is activated when you’re stressed. This means that you aren’t able to fully listen. After all, your body is panicking!
Thankfully, the magic of science can help us understand how to calm the heck down. To put it simply, you need to activate the vagus nerve — the most prominent part of your parasympathetic nervous system–– by breathing slowly and deeply. That’s it. Your body chills out when you breathe slowly into your diaphragm.
If you’re on the phone with someone or sitting across from them at a table, you can make this easier by putting your hand below your belly button and breathing into your low belly.
If you want to get a little deeper into the science and practice of calming your body down, I highly recommend the Dharma Punx podcast. Mindfulness teacher and very tattooed spiritual counselor, Josh Korda, does a great job of blending Buddhist insights with modern science. You can find a podcast episode on feelings of overwhelm here.
On the other hand, you might feel distracted because you have another pressing matter on your mind. Be honest if you don’t have the time and/or mental resources to give this conversation! That could sound like:
Thank you for bringing this up! This conversation is important to me, and I can’t give you the attention you deserve right now. I’m busy with/focused on _____ right now. Can we revisit this at (specific time?)
Hopefully, the person who wants to speak with you will understand. Yet at the same time, if they’re not willing to compromise, take that in. It’s an important data point about that person.
3) Set A Timer
I cannot overstate this — timers are life-savers in difficult conversations. They help people focus on their “job,” whether it’s listening or speaking.
Timers create a feeling of safety because you know that you won’t be interrupted. And perhaps most importantly, they create a formal start and end of a discussion. After all, there’s nothing worse than a heated conversation with no end in sight!
Here’s a sample script for how to propose using a timer:
I want to make sure that I can really listen and understand your perspective. Are you open to using a timer? You can speak for 5 minutes and I’ll listen, then we’ll switch. We can do that 2–3 times until both of us feel heard. I need to stop by 5 PM, I have a call that I need to prepare for.
A couple once came up to me at an event where I facilitated this exact exercise. They had been dating for years and said this was the best conversation they’d ever had. If that doesn’t speak to the amount of listening that typically happens in conversations, I don’t know what does!
If you want to get deeper into using timers with conflict, I recommend learning about imago therapy. A great place to start is the book, Getting The Love You Want, by PhDs Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt.
4) Ask Quality Questions
I’m going to repeat something that I said earlier here: do not give advice unless it’s asked for. Giving advice makes us feel important. Listening helps the other person feel important.
Yet this doesn’t necessarily mean you need to stay totally silent. Asking questions is a powerful way to help someone explore whatever it is that they’re struggling with, in a way that they probably wouldn’t be able to on their own.
If there’s anything I learned during my 6-month coaching certification program, it’s the power of asking quality questions. You’ll know that you asked a good one when you get a thoughtful pause, a laugh, or a comment along the lines of “I’ve never thought about that before!”
Here are some questions to get you started. Try to ask them without any fluff before or after. It makes them a lot more powerful.
- What happened next?
- What do you want?
- What are you afraid of?
- What’s the best-case scenario?
- If I was going through this situation, what would you tell me?
Shoutout to the Coach Training Alliance for teaching me this!
5) Learn The Power Of A Pause
One of the biggest pieces of wisdom I received from becoming a certified coach is the power of a well-placed pause. My teacher shared that, after a client finishes talking, we should count to five in our heads before we speak. At first, this was super uncomfortable for me. I’m a quick talker and love to jump right in! Yet with some practice, I found that the silence usually gave the client permission to think more deeply. It’s in those moments that some big ‘aha’ moments surfaced.
We often don’t leave space for a breath in everyday conversations. Why? We’re either anxiously filling space, or so caught up in what we’re going to say that we’re not fully listening in the first place.
The next time you’re having a conversation with someone, notice how quickly you’re speaking. Are you pausing to take a breath? Your way of being impacts the person you’re sitting with.
If you make an effort to calm down — by taking deep belly breaths, for example — the person you’re speaking with will become more settled, as well.
Looking for even more resources to become a better listener? Check out the tools below.
Further Resources
- Book: Say What You Mean by Oren Jay Sofer
- Book: Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelley Hunt
- Book: The Promise That Changes Everything by Nancy Kline
- Course: Healthy Communication from Shaun Galanos
- Video: Being A Good Listener from The School Of Life
—
This post was previously published on Medium.
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want a deeper connection with our community, please join us as a Premium Member today.
Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: iStock