Many kids struggle with shyness and low self-esteem. As a parent, you always wonder about what you can do to raise a confident child. At the same time, you don’t want to raise entitled brats. Here are 5 ways to help you with this (the confident part).
1- Help Your Child Socialize
Children’s brains are already collecting a massive amount of social cues & interactions. By the age of 3 or 4, they start applying this knowledge to their relationships with others.
But they go to school, and this is where they socialize, right? Yes and no.
The school environment is structured, rigid — even artificial. Children are not themselves at school. You want to encourage more socializing: starting with playdates at a young age, to meeting extended family, to extracurricular activities, to cultivating hobbies and talents, etc.
There are 2 rules:
1- observe the environment (make sure it’s safe), and
2- don’t push your child if they don’t want to socialize in specific situations or with certain people.
2- Show Them You Value Their Words & Actions
We have all either seen this or been there. You are de-stressing after work; your child comes to show you a wonky drawing of a circle for the 35th time. You might:
- shut them down,
- roll your eyes and say “ya.. ya.. OK” without looking at them,
- or ignore them.
- ……
I’m not saying anyone can express genuine enthusiasm after 5 times let alone 35! But, it is important to pay attention to your communication patterns over time.
Over the years, what signals are you sending to your children? Are their opinions and actions valued by adults around them or dismissed?
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3- Teach Autonomy, and Help Them Practice It
How to Encourage Autonomy
Don’t do all the talking for your child. Let them answer questions that others ask them. Teach them to ask, express opinions, and question stuff.
In the book “Outliers” by Malcolm Gladwell, we read about a study that compared children from different social classes. The researchers looked at parenting styles and children’s success later in life.
One of the main differences between those considered “successful” and others, was the family and parenting style. Some of the differences are not relevant here. Middle-class parents tended to teach their children to speak for themselves. They coach them and rehearse situations. He quotes the psychologist Anette Lareau:
Even in fourth grade, middle-class children appeared to be acting on their own behalf to gain advantages. They made special requests of teachers and doctors to adjust procedures to accommodate their desires. —
Don’t be a dictator
If you want a child to learn autonomy, don’t shower them with orders and rules. Try to agree on the rules together. Negotiate with them. Your child will pick up essential skills from this back-and-forth dialogue.
Photo by Muhammad-taha Ibrahim on Unsplash
4- Don’t Be Emotion-phobic
Many toddlers will have mood swings that make a teenager look like a zen master. Some parents respond in two extreme ways: they either rush to eradicate any negative emotion, or they get stressed and tell their kids to somehow stop feeling that way.
In psychological terms, children are still learning to regulate their emotions. Many adults still struggle with it too! As a parent, your role is to react properly, even if you don’t get it right every time. Here is what you should do:
- Validate their feelings. You don’t have to agree or fake a reaction. Imagine what you would say to a close friend who is in a similar emotional state. Your child is sad because they broke a toy? Try saying “oh, that’s annoying, I’d be sad too.” Something along those lines.
- Allow some time. Be there. Offer a hug or sit with them for a few minutes. Don’t rush to distract them immediately. No, you can’t do this a hundred times a day. But if it is a big deal for your child, give it some time and attention.
- Gently guide them out of it. This will depend on many things. You will get to learn what works for your child in what situation. Sometimes, you wouldn’t need to do anything! Other times, you can try distraction, talking it out, joking, or thinking of solutions.
5- Model it
Your child is likely to internalize certain patterns of thinking or behavior from you. Even if they don’t like you. Even if they don’t copy you in the future. That kid is absorbing everything his parents/carers are doing.
Call me old fashioned, but gender also plays a role here. Boys will tend to copy their fathers and girls their mothers. If a parent from the same gender isn’t available, find a trusted adult who can be in your child’s life. Someone who could be a role model. They don’t have to spend a long time with this person, but they should at least like them, and look up to them.
There is no instruction manual. I wrote those tips based on my personal experience and my knowledge of some of the research on parenting.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com