Tor Constantino is not a Scrooge when it comes to Christmas cheer, but to these songs he says, ‘Bah humbug!’
I’m a huge fan of Sirius/XM Satellite radio. I especially love it this time of year when they activate their commercial-free, Holiday Traditions Channel where Christmas music is played 24 hours a day, 7 days a week through the New Year.
Whether you celebrate Christmas or not, there’s something special about holiday music. You don’t have to be Christian to enjoy this time of year or its uplifting melodies.
But let’s be honest, not all Christmas songs are created equal—many are not even remotely related to the tenets of the holiday. In fact, during our most recent trek north for Thanksgiving, where we listened to six straight hours of holiday music, I compiled my list of 5 Worst Christmas Songs:
5. I Believe in Father Christmas—this dirge-like, sacrilegious jingle written and performed by Greg Lake from Emerson, Lake and Palmer is more like a postmodern anti-Christian anthem than a cheery tribute to the winter solstice holiday. When you check out the lyrics HERE you can’t ignore its nihilistic leanings and hopeless tonality. Here’s the most depressing stanza to me:
They said there’ll be snow at Christmas
They said there’ll be peace on earth
Hallelujah noel be it heaven or hell
The Christmas you get you deserve
What the heck does that have to do with Joy, Peace, and Goodwill toward men?? Actually, it completely undermines the premise of the holiday. He might as well have written “Jingle Hells Bells” or “Satan Claus is Coming to Town.”
4. These are a Few of My Favorite Things—this is NOT a Christmas song. It’s from the of Sound Music and I can’t for the life of me figure out how this song jumped from the rolling hills of Austria into the western Christmas psyche.
If you review the lyrics HERE , there are no direct references to Christmas except the vague mention of sleigh bells and snowflakes on eye lashes. The only possible reference to Christmas might be “brown paper packages tied up with string,” but that could be referring to a UPS shipment of medication for rickets and not Saint Nicholas.
3. Last Christmas—this song was written and performed by George Michael in the late 1980s when he was still a member of the group WHAM. If you read the lyrics HERE, you’ll see that this song has more to do with depression and seasonal affective disorder rather than the birth of Christ or even Jolly Old St. Nick.
2. Frosty the Snowman—here’s another one of those songs that has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas. Check the song’s lyrics HERE. The only vague reference to Christmas is snow, yet it doesn’t mention any of the traditions of Christmas.
However, it goes to great lengths to describe Frosty’s vandal tendencies running “here and there all around the square” brandishing a weapon (OK, it’s broomstick) until he nearly assaulted a police officer—OK, that last bit is a bit of an exaggeration. Still it’s not a Christmas song.
1. Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey—as an Italian-American this insipid song is not only idiotic it’s offensive. If you review its lyrics HERE, you’ll note that it contains virtually every cliche and Italian stereotype with the exception of the word Ba-Da-Bing or Tony Soprano.
The only way to fix this song would be the addition of a Godfather reference where the Christmas Donkey Dominick gets his head loped off and it’s left in the silk sheets of the misguided music producer who conceived this piece of Christmas music drivel.
Question: What’s your least favorite holiday song? What’s your favorite?
This post originally ran on The Daily ReTort