So let’s dig into this a bit more because sometimes we’re the problem, but the good news is that we can be more aware of our triggers and the ways that we lash out and work to be better.
1. You Have Problems in Most Or Maybe All of Your Relationships
Now, this may not necessarily mean that you’re creating all the problems, but it may mean that you have a problem choosing people to invest in. If we see this pattern of time and time again, having these issues, and the only thing that they have in common is us, we need to take a closer look. I remember this happening to me almost ten years ago. I had a couple of friendships ending, nothing big and dramatic, no screaming or fighting, but just a sense that we didn’t have anything in common anymore, and things just weren’t going well. I didn’t want to invest any more time in them. During that time, because it was happening with two friends, I had to do some internal investigation. I had to look at myself and wonder, am I the problem? Am I doing something that’s causing this to happen? It may be the fact that that is the truth. In my case, it was more like we’d just grown apart, and yeah, that was hard, but it’s good to do that internal work to make sure that we’re not choosing bad people to spend time with or possibly having a pattern of behavior that causes these relationships to grow toxic.
2. How Your Relationships End
The second sign or thing to be aware of is how your relationships end. If you notice a lot of intense conflict, like a lot of yelling and screaming, and then this results in you cutting that person off, or them cutting you off, then your relationships might indicate that you have a hard time with boundaries. This means there’s a lot of built-up resentments, acting in passive-aggressive ways, and we don’t really know how to talk about it. If you find these tumultuous paths in your relationships, and when they do end, or maybe they just end temporarily, but each time it’s very intense, you might want to consider looking into boundaries, how you set them, if you uphold them, and if you communicate about them. Boundaries are not requests; it’s not just saying, “Hey, I don’t want you talking to me that way.” Yes, that helps, we can put in these requests, but the boundary is actually what we do when they do that thing. For example, if they talk poorly to me, I’m going to walk away or not talk to you as often or at all. That’s the boundary, and upholding it is me doing that thing when they act that way.
3. Communication Difficulties
The next sign that we might be the problem in our relationship is communication difficulties. If you struggle to effectively communicate in multiple relationships or have a tendency to shut down or become defensive, it could be a sign that you’re contributing to the issue. These are things like stonewalling, where they talk at us, and we shut down, not expressing any emotion. It could also look like us acting childish or name-calling when they try to offer us some constructive feedback. For example, when they say, “When you said that thing, it hurt my feelings,” and we respond with, “Well, you do that all the time,” we’re not very good at communicating. Using absolutes, like ‘you always do this’ or ‘you never show up for me,’ is also an indication that we are not communicating clearly. Expectations that we had weren’t expressed, so they weren’t met. Nobody always or never does anything. It’s best to use ‘I’ statements, like, “I feel that when I need you most, you’re hard to find,” or “Sometimes, I want you there emotionally, and you’re not.” These are better forms of communication and allow for more conversation. If we use absolutes, they can shut down, lash out, or pull out their own laundry list, and things could spiral from there.
4. Attachment Issues
If you find yourself having a hard time feeling safe or secure in multiple relationships, always thinking that if someone doesn’t get back to you right away, it means they don’t like you anymore, or thinking that they’re going to leave you, this might be a sign that you’re bringing some attachment issues from your past into your current relationships. This could mean that we’ve left people before they can leave us, or we might fall in love very quickly, within a few days or weeks, wanting to spend all of our time with them, wanting to move in together, saying ‘I love you’ really fast. All of this could be an indicator of attachment issues. Attachment isn’t just about wanting to get out or needing space; it can also manifest as being too clingy too fast. All of this indicates that we might not have had anyone show us stable attachment behaviors in the past, leading us to create new relationships without a clear understanding of what they should look like.
5. Having Rigid Behavior Patterns
If you find yourself repeatedly acting in certain ways, and these patterns are causing conflict or difficulties in your relationships, it may indicate that you need to work on your behavior patterns. Identifying how your actions and behaviors affect your relationships is crucial. For example, if you had a past relationship where someone cheated on you, and now, if someone isn’t available when you expect them to be, you automatically assume they’re cheating, leading to behaviors like leaving them first, giving ultimatums, or picking fights. Recognizing these patterns, especially if they repeat in various relationships, is essential to change them. Otherwise, you’ll keep experiencing the same types of relationships, and that won’t make anyone happy.
6. Difficulty With Emotions
If you find it hard to identify what you’re feeling or express your emotions, it can contribute to misunderstandings and relationship problems. Emotions are essential to understand and express in a healthy way to prevent lashing out or holding in your feelings until they explode. Start by noticing what you feel in your body or identifying even just one or two emotions you’re experiencing. If you struggle to identify your emotions, consider keeping a journal where you write down some of the emotions you’ve experienced during the day. It may take time to build this emotional awareness, especially if you’ve
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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