- How to shave
When you become a man later in life than the norm, and have a father who doesn’t offer to teach you… well, it’s bit awkward. How many grown men ask YOU how to shave? Shaving’s quite skilful if you have skin that hasn’t developed buffalo thickness with years of wear. Disturbingly it takes place in a very vulnerable area – come on now, I mean the throat. Also, for quite a long time it confused me that electric razors don’t work very well on my facial hair. I still secretly wet shave. - How to dangle my arms
A normal teenage skill, surely? When arms become muscular, they don’t just flop by your sides in a natural way, they kinda stick out. I walk around with mine at a slightly jaunty angle from my body. I reckon I probably look a bit like a bulldog. - How to stand up straight
A rare teenage skill. Let’s face it, we’re not all taught to stand up straight, but to me it looks weirder on a man if he doesn’t. I was brought up timid and developed a defensive posture. It robs me of innate dignity. My own fault, I guess. - How to deal with female flirtation
Uh-oh this one is tricky. I have no real idea how to deal with women who are friendly, effusive and want to plant one on me. I’m not generally demonstrative, more the private type, unable to accept this kind of compliment easily. I don’t reciprocate and then I feel rude. If only I had learned how to be gracious and gentlemanly, that would be very useful. - How to swim
This is a pommy joke, because the English Man of a certain vintage is assumed to have learned breaststroke, which as we know in Australia isn’t a real swimming stroke and vast derision is heaped on anyone flapping about in this manner. So, at 47 years old I learned to swim, meaning freestyle. A few years earlier would have saved embarrassment. - How to manage my emotions
Which teenager displays this asset? A little more guidance would have helped me very much. My best effort was, and remained for many years, a range of grunts, insults and angry gestures. Emotional versatility has been a hard skill to foster, taking time, patience and gentleness. Vulnerability wasn’t in my repertoire until now, when it’s my biggest wish to show my love and extend my tender care to others without reserve.
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