6 Toxic Behaviors I See in Almost Every Man Around Me

I get upset with all of my brothers and brothers-in-law in the face most of the time.

It’s hard. What they fail to understand even after years of marriage is that marriage is hard, and it becomes 100% more challenging if one partner is not making any effort.

Not every man is the same, but growing up I’ve seen certain qualities in almost 90% of men around me, including my father who’s a very nice guy.

Due to this, I had made a few decisions early on and one of them was to not marry someone I barely know (which happens a lot in India).

But even in love marriages, the gender roles remain the same. I’ve fought with almost every one of my brothers in the extended family on this topic and how they treat their wives. But nothing changes and nothing will change, no matter what I say.

The only thing we can do as a woman is to try to identify these traits early in a relationship and stay away if the man has one or more of these toxic traits.

…

These are the 6 toxic traits you need to pay attention to:

#1. Conventional Marriage Expectations

Most of the marriages in India are still arranged. And the expectations of most men are the same.

He expects a wife who can support him financially and, at the same time, take care of him, his parents, and the future kids and does everything around the house.

It’s because he’s seen his mother do all this. Except for the finance part because most women in my mother’s generation were homemakers, and the economy was favorable enough that they could do that.

So, his mother did everything for him. She gave him food on the table, did laundry, made sure he had everything he needed and he expected his wife to do the same.

The constant comparison between his mother and wife is just too much.

I know it’s hard to fight against gender norms, but they don’t even want to try to do anything. This brings me to my next point.

#2. Weaponized incompetence

I don’t know how to do it.

This is the most common excuse every male has for not doing the work around the house. In some houses, they don’t even have to make excuses because no one expects them to lift a finger to do anything.

This happens a lot in joint families, but even in nuclear families, men don’t think they have to do something because they’ve never seen men around them help with household chores.

So, the load of everything falls on a woman. She’s the house manager, cook, cleaner, and primary caregiver for the kids. And she has to do all this with a job.

#3. Refusing to Help Around The House

Some men take household chores off the shoulders of women. They know how to do something without asking. And these men are hard to find.

Most men I know will say they want to help and then they’ll ask you to give them a step-by-step guide on how to do it.

It takes so much energy to explain everything every time you need something done. And you also have to remind them to do the task repeatedly and this effort is just wasted.

Most women just give up and do everything themselves. And men are happy about it. They don’t care if you do it yourself, they never wanted to do this in the first place.

And in Indian houses, it’s worst. Everyone relies on the daughter-in-law of the house to do everything, but if she’s sick and can’t get out of bed, the responsibility falls on the other women in the family but never the men.

As families are turning nuclear with time, if you’re sick, you have to go to your mother-in-law, mother, or sister to help around the house because your husband just can’t.

#4. Wanting a Superwoman for A Wife

I saw this quote on Instagram: “Ask a brown guy what she wants in a wife and he starts explaining slavery.”

It was kind of funny, but it’s also true.

I’ve sisters who earn more than their husbands and still do 100% of the chores around the house. There’s not even 80–20 work distribution around the house and this happens in the majority of the households.

Even when children come into the picture, the woman is expected to give up her career, and it’s fine with me. If you can afford it, go for it. But as soon as the children are old enough, the woman is pressured to start working again because she’s doing nothing around the house.

People will not stop for a second before reminding her that she should be grateful to have a husband who provides financially and her education is a waste.

And now the woman is left with this feeling of dread and insecurity because everyone knows it’s almost next to impossible to get a job after a 5–7 year gap in your resume in this economy.

So, we expect women to do everything at once, and then we praise her for being a superwoman when, in reality, she doesn’t want to be a superwoman. She just wants some peace.

#5. Refusing to Change His Ways

And when the woman finally confronts her husband about anything at all, she’s called unrealistic or dramatic.

They’ll give explanations for their behavior. They’ll tell you that you keep fighting about the same things repeatedly, but they will not change a single thing about them.

They fail to even acknowledge that you’re talking about the same thing repeatedly, that you can’t let it go because it’s bothering you every single day.

#6. But Wants Women to Change Everything For Everyone

And even though they don’t want to change, they want you to change everything about you after marriage.

You’re expected to dress differently, talk differently, and treat his parents like yours. While it’s okay if he doesn’t even talk to your parents.

If his parents are rude towards you, you’re expected to forgive and forget, to not speak up because it’s his parents and parents sometimes say stuff like that, and they don’t mean anything by it.

You’re to treat every relative to his side with kindness and respect even if they treat you like sh*t, but the same rules never apply to men.

They have the right to refuse you to visit your parents because your parents/ relatives said something, and they found it offensive.

One of my cousins is not allowed by her in-laws to visit her house because her husband doesn’t like her family.

And this goes on and on.

…

Takeaway

Most women I know don’t want much.

They don’t even want someone to help them around the house. At this point, they’re used to doing everything themselves. They struggled when the children were small when everyone was a stranger and the husband was absent. But now, they are used to it.

Most of these women want respect and love. They want to feel understood and they want someone who cares for them.

A relationship is not hard, we make it hard.

Similarly, it’s not hard to keep the marriage happy, but it takes effort from both sides. Just one partner giving 100% and the other sitting on the sofa relaxing just because he provides for the family is not enough.

…

Want to build a stronger, happier relationship? Subscribe and every Friday you’ll receive an email filled with tips to help you achieve your ideal relationship.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***

From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

***

Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.

All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.

A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.