6 Ways You Can Be a Better Partner

Intimate relationships evolve over time and it’s important for us to check in with ourselves and our partner.

Are we doing our best? Do we share the same values? Are we showing up to the relationship in a positive way?

I believe we all can benefit from doing some self-reflection. Even if we’re one of the lucky ones, and we’ve found someone whom we share an amazing connection with, it’s always good to evaluate ourselves and our relationship.

In fact, I’ve come to realize that one of the reasons my partner and I feel so loved and safe with each other, is that we’re both constantly expanding our self-awareness and growing as individuals. We’re not afraid to acknowledge and share our feelings, fears and emotional triggers.

Developing our ability to self-reflect and make conscious choices is key, which is why I invite you to do some introspection and recognize if there are some aspects you think you can improve as a partner.

1. Make vulnerability a habit

I can’t stress this enough. If you’re not ready to be vulnerable with your partner, there’s no point in trying to improve your relationship because it will never reach its fullest potential.

Relationships without vulnerability always stay at a very superficial level. There’s no real intimacy, trust, or acceptance.

Yes, it can be scary to show that side of ours we’ve been protecting or avoiding for years. I know. But how can you expect to be loved — and I mean truly, unconditionally loved — if you keep that side to yourself?

You don’t need to make massive changes overnight. Instead, start by taking baby steps. Be honest with yourself and work out your feelings first. Then, open up with your partner about little things you’ve been struggling with.

Eventually, you’ll be able to show your true you. And if your partner really cares about you, they’ll not only be grateful for that, but they’ll reciprocate your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable.

2. Make sure you’re supporting your partner’s passions and dreams

Part of loving our partners is understanding their goals, ambitions, passions and dreams. Even more important then understanding them, is supporting them.

Be honest with yourself and answer these questions:

• What is your partner into? I mean, really into? What are they incredibly passionate about?
• What motivates them?
• Can you name your partner’s life goals and dreams?
• Are you respecting and supporting those dreams, even if they don’t match your own?
• What could you do (or not do) more of?

3. Be a better listener

It’s often said that, in all relationships there’s one person who speaks and one who listens. Although it’s true that some people tend to be better listeners than others, listening skills can be learned — and they’re crucial in romantic relationships.

When we’re listening carefully to our partner, we’re telling them that we care about their thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Some practical ways to improve your listening skills are:

• Keep the eye contact to reassure your partner you’re paying attention;
• Try to keep your phone away;
• Ask more questions — it shows that you’re truly interested;
• Pay attention to your talk/listen ratio;
• Wait until they’re done talking before you respond.

“According to psychologist Carl Rogers, active or deep listening is at the heart of every healthy relationship. It’s also the most effective way to bring about growth and change. Those who are heard tend to be more open, more democratic in their ways, and are often less defensive. Good listeners refrain from making judgments, and provide a safe environment and container for speakers.”

Diana Raab, PhD, in Deep Listening in Personal Relationships

4. Learn your partner’s love languages

Different people with different personalities express love in different ways. Although it sounds obvious, it’s not something we have in mind in our day-to-day lives, especially when it comes to dealing with our partners.

Sometimes we end up feeling unloved simply because we have different love languages — meaning, different ways of expressing love and affection.

These are the main ideas behind the famous book The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. According to Chapman, those languages are: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch.

Ask you partner what kind of gestures makes them feel loved and secure — it’s also a small step towards more trust and vulnerability!

5. Work on yourself

Taking care of your own needs is a win-win for you and your relationship.

When we allow the relationship to absorb our identity, we end up losing ourselves as a person. That’s why it’s so important to get to know yourself first before you enter a committed relationship.

• Maintain a healthy degree of independence;
• Spend time apart doing your own thing and giving yourself the space to process your emotions;
• Take care of your physical and emotional well-being;
• Invest in your own dreams;

6. Remind yourself that the two of you are a team

When two people in a relationship think of themselves as a team, things get much easier. No one is defensive, and no one keeps score of anything because they both know they’re in this together.

“I can clearly remember the wave of relief that washed over my now-husband’s face when we had a disagreement about six months into our courtship. He sat me down to assess the damage and I assured him that we were past the point of breaking up over a petty dissimilarity. He says he knew in that moment that we were an “us.” It wasn’t “me” evaluating and judging him,” or “him” deciding whether “I” was right or wrong. We were a team, and teams are infinitely more resilient than individual identities trying to coexist.”

Amy Johnson, in Dramatically Improve Your Relationships by Becoming a Team

Happy, fulfilled relationships don’t just happen overnight. They happen when two people make a conscious effort to better themselves and built strong, stable foundations.

Let’s not confuse stability with stagnation. Stability is healthy, but staying stagnant is the worst thing you can do. A stable relationship is one where you know the person will be right by your side no matter what happens, not one where things always stay the same.

There’s always room for improvement and we should always do our part.

Are you doing yours?