—
Suddenly, you see her. She looks perfect! You want to go over and talk to her. You’re a good guy, and you want to see if there’s a mutual connection between the two of you.
Approaching her with confidence is essential in getting to know her better.
|
But how? What do you say? Do you just waltz up and tell her you’re interested? Or do you start more conservatively? As a dating coach and a gent who’s personally met many women in this very way, I can confidently say I’ve learned a ton regarding what works, and what doesn’t.
I’ve learned that there’s no such thing as a “guaranteed to work pickup line.” However, there are many ways to aid you in making a great first impression. Right now, I want to share with you the #1 secret for kicking things off in the right direction. It’s approaching her with confidence.
Approaching her with confidence is essential in getting to know her better. Women love when a great guy gives her the gift of approaching her with confidence. The question then becomes: how do you generate that winning feeling inside just before you go? Below are my seven keys. (The first four are to support you before you talk to her, the last three will serve you for once you do).
♦◊♦
Key #1: Come from a place of giving, not from a place of taking. When you see yourself as giving a fun opportunity for two people to meet, you immediately shift from a place of scarcity to one of abundance. Most guys feel like approaching her is equivalent to begging for money. Why? As the guy, you’re not taking anything! You’re giving. Specifically, you’re giving her a chance to experience something spontaneous, something exciting, something new. You’re creating an experience. Never forget this.
Key #2: Remind yourself that most guys never approach the woman they desire. With this in mind, pat yourself on the back for having the confidence to put yourself out there. Taking a moment to acknowledge your courage, before you approach her, makes you feel more confident. This is huge. You see, the human brain responds to fear and reward. Most guys associate approaching her with fear and pain. But not you. Instead, by patting yourself on the back, you’re associating approaching her with pleasure, with reward. This boosts confidence.
Key #3: Accept that she may or may not be interested. Acknowledging that she may say, “no thanks” before you introduce yourself actually fuels confidence. Why? Because you’ve accepted all outcomes (including the worst) ahead of time. Essentially, you’ve faced the fear of rejection head on. As the saying goes, “Plan for the worst, expect the best.” When you do accept all outcomes ahead of time, you free yourself to approach her with a focus on the opportunity at hand. Consequently, you’ll exude more confidence this way.
Key #4: Remember there are plenty of fish in the sea. The truth about approaching her is that it isn’t that big of a deal. Of course, it will feel like a monumental feat at first! But with time, you’ll see that it’s just a unique interaction between two people. And here’s the truth: while there’s a small chance that she’s THE ONE, there’s a much better chance that your future wifey is yet to present herself to you. In knowing this, you alleviate pressure to perform. Accordingly, you’ll feel more confident.
Key #5: Approach her within three seconds of seeing her. By acting swiftly, you’ll stay out of your head and remain in the present moment. This is ideal. Most guys overanalyze. But not you, you’re a man of action. You make your move. You trust that the words will come. This is confidence in action. So you know, the natural words that come out will be more attractive than almost any “pickup line.” What naturally flows from your mouth without preconceived consideration is authentic, whereas premeditated pickup lines are cheesy and fake. She can tell the difference. Likewise, speaking authentically fuels self-trust and confidence, whereas relying on pickup lines mitigates it.
Key #6: Be willing to share about yourself before asking all about her. As the man, you’re expected to lead. And while you just led by striking up a conversation, immediately bombarding her with questions puts her on the hot seat, and can make her feel uncomfortable. After ensuring she has a moment to talk, share a bit about yourself. Tell her a story, talk about your passion, your hobbies. Then, give her the opportunity to reciprocate. This takes pressure off of her to immediately open up to a stranger. It also allows her to get a sense of what a cool guy you are. Knowing this little secret makes for a better conversation, and thus, increases confidence.
Key #7: Never judge yourself negatively after you approach her. The natural tendency is to beat ourselves up when things don’t go our way. Instead, take a step back and consider the interaction objectively. If there was something awkward or weird you did, take note of it and learn the lesson. But then, pat yourself on the back for having the courage to talk to her, and move on. Remember, nobody bats a thousand. In any discipline or field, high achievers fail regularly. What separates them from the pack is they always learn the lessons from the specific event, and then, they reground themselves in their self worth and moved on. Do the same, and you’ll feel more and more confident every time you put yourself out there.
♦◊♦
At the end of the day, the more often you express yourself and approach women that catch your interest, the more confident you’ll feel, and the easier it will be. It becomes an upward spiral! Use these seven secrets to jumpstart your dating life!
—
Bt u dint mentiom what do u goto the girl and say what is the pick up line or how to strike a conversation
Thanks Jason!
I was really able to see that you are filling your own tank
and the tank of your clients and prospects,
instead of draining the tank of those that you meet.
I love the fact that you are working so hard at bettering
yourself and helping others become better and more effective!
Edward Fotion
Thank you for your kind words, Edward.
One of the things I’ve heard is smile, not necessarily at her, but smile. http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/7-benefits-smiling-and-laughing.html once I was looking in the direction of a woman and her friends, smiling because of a pleasant memory. Abouty a minute later, one of the women turns to her friends and I could here her complain is he just going to sit there or is he going to do something. Pleasant people attract others. We all want to be around those who are having a good time. That’s why I tell guys to go out with the goal of having a good time rather… Read more »
Totally agree. Good mojo goes a long way in socializing and dating. A guy could “break all the rules,” but if he’s authentically having fun and smiling, he’s going to be just fine 🙂
Thanks for sharing!
Jason
Thank you Jac!
Developing confidence is key (for both sexes). No matter how attractive a person is, there are often insecurities. These are great pointers Jason and can apply to both sexes. Nice article!
Jason
“Approach her within three seconds of seeing her”.
NO!
In many situations this is a not smart and actually acting desperate .
Women do see and know what is happening around them Jason.
Imagine the man visit his church. Or goes to a huge conference .
To approach the first woman he like a lot he like within three seconds , is a stupid act in settings with lots of people .
I hope you see why.
I’ve seen the “three second rule” before, and while it may be situation dependent, there are some compelling arguments for it. Read the “Don’t Hover” section here: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2011/12/dont-be-a-creeper/all/1/
Actually, from there, go to the search box at the top of the page, and enter “three second”. The hits include a number of different articles with various reasoning for it. Much of it applies to me in a “that’s probably why that went so badly” way, ‘cuz honestly, I’ve only ever failed when it comes to approaching women with anything but “friendly conversation” intentions.
Thank you Anthony!
Too many people are single but long for someone to be have a romantic relationship with.
So we all need good advice :).
Just read the thread here. Dating, social situations, and the like, are nuanced. Of course, there are times to slow down. Ideally, you develop social awareness to decisively act or not act. But I’d rather a guy lean on the side of assertiveness, especially to start, because most of us, from social conditioning and the like, are timid and make excuses for reasons why not to do something spontaneous.
Thank you both KIM and Anthony for your comments.
Cheers,
Jason
I was painfully shy as a child but as an adult I eventually learned to interact comfortably with anyone. The key really is just practicing. Whenever you are out, talk to people. Make conversation with everyone – clerks, Uber drivers, old ladies. Just be friendly. Chat with coworkers in the breakroom who you’ve never talked to before. Chat with middle aged women in line at the grocery store. You will learn a lot from this… how to tell when someone wants to chat and when they don’t, what’s the best small talk, how to wrap up a conversation. It’s low… Read more »
Becca – absolutely agree with chatting with everyone. Coworkers, baristas, clerks, … everyone!
Thank you for sharing.
Cheers, Jason
Becca, My experience is rather the opposite. As a kid I felt I could engage with almost anyone (although I mostly had the respect to know when it was inappropriate) But growing into my teens, I started to get increasingly rejected in trying to make ordinary small talk. So I started to question myself, what was wrong with me, at the same time I saw my friends and other people around me rather easily increasing their conversation abilities. I’ve been turned down so many times, somehow wrecked so many conversations before they even started, that today I mostly feel that… Read more »
Brilliant, Anthony Done it. Still do it even married, but with no intent to pick up…just no fear of striking a conversation with women. I’ve been in a doughnut shop and seen a younger women (dressed and with other people for a bike ride). She was pondering, looking for something non-fattening…or something. She looked at me as said, “you can go, I’m still deciding”. I told her I’d be quick, I just want the most fattening, disgusting, gooey thing they had as I’ve lost a pound or two and need to pack that back on. She laughed, and the conversation… Read more »
Oh man, I suspect we could swap pages and pages of stories like this -DJ- ! I am a master at self-deprecating humor. And I totally get what you’re saying about doing it just “because”. I’ve been in a relationship for the last 10 years, so I’m talking to people everywhere I go without any kind of expectations. The truth is, I love meeting people, and you might have started to notice from my comments in here recently, I always seem to have something to say, in almost every situation. So there’s all that, but I get that it’s hard… Read more »
Absolutely love this, Anthony. I believe we need more people who step out of the social normative, speak their mind openly, give others unique experiences, and basically, inject some life into the world. Keep it up!
Cheers,
Jason
Thanks. I guess the part for me that I’ve never succeeded at (not even once), was the part about closing the deal, and actually getting a woman to go out with me (and not cancel, or stand me up). Sometimes, I felt like I got so good at being friendly, I could see the shock and panic when a woman realized I was going to wrap up a conversation by asking her out. Like she didn’t even see it coming, and I was just a friendly, outgoing guy having a great conversation with her for the hell of it. I… Read more »
@Anthony, Thank you so much for putting an experience into words that I very much share with you! I’m not even great at making conversation anymore. I used to be quite a funny and entertaining guy, but the more I faced rejection the more I’ve tended to close off myself and mostly associate with people I already know. I know exactly what you’re talking about, that moment she realizes there’s more to it than just a friendly chat, or sometimes just the slightest possibility that there might be. As a coincidence, I wrote a comment about one such occasion just… Read more »
Oh man, if I were to write a book on any subject, it would be about dealing with the unique challenges of constant rejection, decades of never touching a woman, and what happens if you find yourself in a relationship finally (in my case, in my 30s), and have to contend with having zero experience, and being so many years behind everyone else. Unfortunately, it would be rather harsh, and unflattering to people in my own life, (in vague terms, there are things like dealing with the resentment of knowing you were a “last choice”, after exhausting all other available… Read more »
If you really have trouble, there’s also the idea of practicing in low stakes, low pressure scenarios. Make a practice of approaching women in public places, like stores. Approach “average” women, not that one in the crowd you spot that makes your heart stop when you look at her. Have a reason to talk to her that’s as true as you can make it. Avoid the dumb ones like needing help choosing between two brands in a grocery store. Ask about a wine that she’s pulling off a shelf at the liquor store, because you heard it was good, and… Read more »
you don’t lose, you learn. The only way to win is by learning. If you have the shot, take it. I often tell guys to move in baby steps. One does not have to jump off of a bridge, but simply push their comfort zone a little at a time. Take risks, even small ones as each will build confidence ontop of confidence. Good example is weight lifting. One does not through 3- 45s on each end of the bar and try to push that on the first day. You toss a 25 on each end, work that, let the… Read more »
Thank you DJ. I agree, even small risks build into major momentum with time.
Cheer, Jason