At this time of year, I can’t help but think about my Valentine’s a few years ago when a guy I really liked dumped me.
Because I liked him so much and because I felt so desperate for love, I allowed him to “paperclip” me. “Paperclipping” is when someone who ghosted or broke up with you randomly comes back into your life, but only to make themselves feel better by feeding off your attention. The name is based on “Clippy,” Microsoft’s unhelpful and annoying paperclip icon.
At the time, I would talk to him whenever he would talk to me because I wanted to be with him so badly. But once I realized he was using me and that I was worth more, I stopped talking to him. When he wouldn’t leave me alone, I blocked him.
In the wake of that experience and after acknowledging I’d never put up with that behavior again, I’ve felt a lot of emotions. I’ve felt sad for my younger self who dealt with that behavior in hopes of finding love. I’ve felt angry at him for hurting me. And, I’ve also felt empowered and strong in my ability to say “no” and live a happier life. In those high and low moments, quotes have often helped. Below are seven examples and takeaways that may help you too.
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1. “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” — Lucille Ball
When I was letting him use me, I wasn’t loving myself as wholeheartedly as I wanted to and deserved. Like Selena Gomez wrote in a song, I had to lose him to love me. And when I made that decision, my life started to fall into place. I met an amazing person who’s now my long-term partner. I had more time and brain space to focus on meaningful relationships and succeeding in college. This quote reminds me that when I love myself and don’t let people get in the way of that, I can live a happier, fuller life.
Takeaway
Love yourself so well that you don’t let anyone use you. Let happiness and self-compassion come first.
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2. “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
Letting go wasn’t totally easy. I felt pain for the time and emotional energy I’d wasted on my relationship with him, and I was scared to let go of the only current romantic prospect I had. However, this quote reminds me that my hurt and anxiety were small compared to all the amazing qualities, adventures, and successes I could have. It helped me feel encouraged and empathetic for myself as I moved forward.
Takeaway
The pain you’re feeling is valid, but the goodness in you and that you can obtain is even bigger.
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3. “Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” — M. Scott Peck
Since I didn’t value myself and my time during his paperclipping behaviors, I lost out on meaningful experiences. All of the time I spent with him could’ve been spent with a book or a friend or a small group. This quote reminded me that my life can be so full when I value myself and my time, reserving them for people and experiences that deserve it.
Takeaway
Value all you bring to the table and all you can do with your time; don’t waste it on people who don’t treat you right.
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4. “Hope for love, pray for love, wish for love, dream for love… but don’t put your life on hold waiting for love.” — Mandy Hale
It’s okay to want to love and be loved romantically. That’s something I’ve felt deeply in the past, and it’s nothing shameful. However, a change I wish I made earlier within myself is not putting up with unhealthy behaviors in hopes of one day receiving that love. This quote points out that it’s okay to wish and ask for love, but we want to avoid letting it take over our lives.
Takeaway
It’s okay to want and look for love, but don’t let yourself miss out on other valuable relationships and life experiences.
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5. “My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing beauty of life once more. It’s happened before, it will happen again, I’m sure. When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive — I’ll find love again.” — Paulo Coelho
Letting go of that relationship felt freeing in the sense that I didn’t have to put up with his emotional rollercoasters anymore, but it also was scary in the sense I worried I’d never find a partner. Reading quotes like this one helped me remember feelings aren’t facts and that I would find love and excitement again.
Takeaway
Even when you’re feeling hurt and anxious, you aren’t hopeless; you can still find a better love filled with beauty and hope.
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6. “One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.” — Michael J. Fox
When I realized how he’d been using me and how I’d inadvertently encouraged it, I felt ashamed, which is valid. However, this quote helped me realize I didn’t have to feel that shame and embarrassment. Yes, I’d been hurt, but he was at fault, not me. Yes, I wish I didn’t give in to the temptation of continuing to respond to him, but I was a friendly person searching for love and doing my best. What he did and how I responded couldn’t change my great characteristics, and I could still move forward positively.
Takeaway
If someone paperclipped you, you don’t need to feel ashamed. You can move forward with dignity, knowing your worth and not letting go of it.
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7. “And if [your whole life] means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself.” — Toni Morrison
In this quote, Toni Morrison shares a hard yet important truth: When we signal to others that we don’t value ourselves, they won’t see any reason to value us. Like my therapist told me, we teach people how to treat us, mostly.
Takeaway
Love and value yourself so others will treat you with that same respect.
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Overall Takeaways
Regardless of whether you’ve experienced paperclipping, I want you to remember a few key truths. First, you are worthy of love and goodness. Second, love and respect yourself wholeheartedly. Third, you can find happiness and love again. And last, when you value who you are and the time you give, you can live a fuller, happier life. I encourage you to live into these truths every day.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock