If you’re in a long-term relationship, chances are you want it to be healthy and fulfilling. Unfortunately, there’s no magic formula for a perfect relationship, but there are things you can do to help keep your bond strong.
In my own experience, I have found that it’s far better to practice routine relationship maintenance than to try to repair a broken relationship. Relationship maintenance affords time and space to make incremental improvements along the way.
How can you make the relationship with your significant other or spouse better? Here are seven simple steps that may make a big difference in your long-term relationship.
Go to bed at the same time.
Over time, relationships can start to feel like a grind. When the relationship becomes monotonous, it’s easy for partners to feel like roommates instead of lovers. Feelings of disconnection can often lead to petty fights over things like who left dirty dishes in the sink or the dwindling frequency of intimacy.
Going to bed together is an easy way to see an immediate shift in your relationship. When your sleep patterns are not in sync, you may find that the two of you wake up and go to sleep at varying times, which is understandable. However, going to sleep at the same time, a couple of nights a week, can help you feel more connected, rather than just passing each other in the kitchen on your way to work.
“Differences in bedtimes can be managed but it takes communication to set mutual expectations and problem-solve issues that arise when couples are unable to both unwind and relax together before they go to bed. Set a time to talk and work together to get yourselves on the same page.” — Guy Winch, Psychologist
Talk about the little things.
One of the most significant relationship killers is boredom. When people become bored, they begin to focus on their differences and the minor annoyances that sometimes pop up in a relationship.
When these minor irritations build up, they can easily lead to huge arguments about simple things like who does more around the house or whose job takes more time away from the relationship.
If both parties make time daily, before leaving to work, school, or wherever they need to go, to talk about how much you appreciate each other and what you love most about your relationship. This will help keep your relationship fresh so that when big problems come along, they are easier to solve because you are in tune with one another.
“Couples in long-term relationships must turn the seemingly small and mundane into opportunities to attune to one another.” — Liz Higgins, LMFTA
Hold hands often
Holding hands can be a potent relationship tool. When a relationship begins to get stale, it’s easy for partners to stop touching one another because they feel disconnected. Sometimes, one partner will even go as far as withdrawing their hand when their significant other reaches out. These minor slights can often send unintended messages to the other person.
Not everyone is comfortable with public displays of affection, and that’s okay. However, if you and your partner can handle it and you want to begin holding hands more often, try doing so when you are in private. This will help to re-spark feelings of intimacy that may have begun to wane.
“It has been well documented that affectionate touch is positively associated with relationship satisfaction. It promotes intimacy, enhances positive affect, and signals a desire for closeness.” — Sarah Hunter Murray, Ph.D., Relationship Therapist
Don’t keep score.
Scorekeeping can cause irreparable damage to any relationship. This usually happens when something goes wrong or when one person feels like they’re not getting what they need.
It’s essential to ensure that each person knows that they have equity in the relationship. When one or both partners keep score, resentment often sets in. Although there may be times when one person takes on more than the other, that should not be the norm. And when these times arise, it’s okay to mention this but do so without finger-pointing, which will help open up more communication between both people.
“Keeping the relationship scorecard alive is often done without any intention of harm, but it can be destructive… If either partner feels like they are carrying an unfair share of the relationship responsibility… they are likely to feel resentment toward their partner.” — Chris Armstrong, relationship therapist
Limit distractions during dinner dates.
Date nights can go a long way in rejuvenating a relationship and even saving one if done regularly enough. But the key to a successful date night is limiting distractions.
Spending too much time on our phones has become one of the most common relationship killers. Both parties need to make sure they pay attention to one another instead of what’s happening on their phones. This will help make the relationship feel fresh again because it will give your relationship (and each other) the attention it deserves.
“When we use our phones while we are spending time with people we care about — apart from offending them — we enjoy the experience less than we would if we put our devices away.” — Ryan Dwyer, PhD Student
Listen for understanding (instead of answering)
Lack of communication is a pervasive relationship problem. These problems often arise because most people think they are communicating when in reality, they’re not.
That’s where listening to understand comes in. Listening to understand is very different than listening to respond. When someone truly listens for understanding, it makes the other person feel respected.
Getting in the habit of listening to understand will ultimately deepen your relationship. It will also help build trust between both people because each person feels like they are being heard and understood, even when you disagree.
Couples who listen for understanding instead of arguing over who has the best point will find that disagreements are resolved more quickly. Because both parties can rest assured knowing that nobody is trying to win an argument — just making it clear that they understand each other’s side.
“Those who “listen to understand” have greater satisfaction in their interpersonal relationships than others. While people may think they might be listening to understand, what they’re really doing is waiting to respond.” — Diana Raab, MFA, Ph.D.
Give one another space.
In order for any relationship to work long term, it’s vital to take time for yourself. Alone time can help you to clear your head, release stress, and ultimately become more present in your relationship when you are together again.
Pursuing other interests outside of your relationship can strengthen your connection with one another. It also displays independence and grit, which can inspire both people.
“Time spent alone can also be important for individuals in new relationships, though, and this alone time is just as valid as other needs. People benefit from time to reflect on their new relationship and time engaged in activities they love to do by themselves.” — Theresa E. DiDonato, Social Psychologist
When relationship partners commit to improving their relationship, many problems begin to disappear, and long-term happiness ensues. If you find yourself in a position where you feel neglected or even taken for granted in your relationship, it may be time to sit down and talk about how both of you can improve.
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Sources:
https://psych.ubc.ca/news/not-enjoying-your-dinner-out-try-putting-the-phone-away/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201909/should-couples-go-bed-the-same-time
Originally posted on newsbreak.com
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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