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My birth father left our home soon after my younger sister was born. In his absence, I was fortunate to have “extended fathers” growing up. Men who thought enough about me to help my mother rear. Those men were Richard Washington (my uncle), Derrick Bernard Nelson (RIP), Sonny Washington (my late grandfather) and James Edward Felton, Jr. (my uncle, and essentially one of the BEST role models I could have had. )
These men showed me with their actions what was possible for my life as a man. They demonstrated how to lead and “be” your authentic self. As a highly sensitive male, I realize now that the rose-colored glasses I wore as a youth would be smashed and the innocence and hope I sought to retain as a man would lead to doubt and dismay in some instances.
It has taken me a while to understand these lessons I wish I had learned earlier:
1. You will love with your heart 100% open.
What I loved about my Uncle James was his DEEP love and devotion to my Aunt Queen Elizabeth Felton. (Yes, that’s her real name; many African-Americans at that time created names like that to garner the respect that they felt they deserved from the outset. I mean think about it…how do you disrespect someone named Queen Elizabeth? And trust me, my Aunt is royalty.) He was equal business partners with her: she was the CEO of the family company which was maintenance and construction, and she ruled, and he followed and always, I mean always respected her highly and loved her dearly. That was my example of real love and devotion that I saw growing up. When he needed her, you would hear him in his loudest loving voice, “QUEENIE!” and she would lovingly respond. Their love was one of the great ones I ever saw. And I want that for myself.
The lesson I have learned as an empathic adult male is that your heart is on display for the one you choose to hand it over to. I wish I knew that the love inside me would always resonate at full capacity and that we just don’t know how to hold back love. We need love to be authentic, passionate and fulfilling. However, not everyone will handle your heart with care, and due to their own experiences, they may do unintentional damage. People can only love you to their own capacity. As a man who feels deeply, I have come to accept “That’s the Way of The World” (my homage to Earth, Wind & Fire) and I now choose, however painful to not withhold my feelings in a relationship. It’s all in, or not at all. Frankly, I don’t know how to do it any other way and nor would I want to because in the end, isn’t authentic love with integrity the best love of all? And if it isn’t reciprocated, you can continue on your journey knowing deep down that you gave it all you could. It’s how you are wired.
2. Be prepared to protect your loved ones.
Are you prepare to die for the people you love? That’s a real question. Would you take a bullet for the people that matter to you? The answer is an emphatic, “yes!” I don’t wish this on anyone however, the world we live in has unexpected dangers, you know what they are and there is no need to repeat them here. But living with passion, and protecting your loved ones and those who are in your care, require that you may really risk life and limb to take one for the team. I had to learn this through challenges that I experienced as a young adult. You may not desire to enter the fray, but you have to be willing and ready to sacrifice.
3. You will be afraid.
Fear of physical harm, or the need to step up as in example 2 is scary. And that is OK. Fear, as some say (along with pain), is nature’s way of reminding you that you are alive and that you would like to stay that way. Any man who isn’t afraid most likely is slightly one fry short of a Happy Meal or one victim away from being Hannibal Lechter. No one told me to use the fear to totally decimate your opponent.
Of course, I learned this late in grade school. No Dad at home, I had to fight the biggest bully after school. I learned at that time to visualize my attacker’s movements as slower than mine and connect with every punch. After I started connecting in his jaw and face, secretly? It felt really, really good. My inner sadist turned my fight or flight into the destruction of my opponent. I am a pacifist, I used the fear and channeled my anger into something destructive to protect myself. In order to further channel that energy, I decided to become a student of the only martial art that uses the passive nature against an opponent: Aikido is unlike the more aggressive “attack” style martial arts wherein you use your opponent’s size and strength against them. And you meditate a lot.
Enough of the testosterone tirade. Let’s move on to some softer lessons.
3. You need touch.
This may come as a shock to some people but we need to be touched. This section only applies to the women who touch the depths of our soul, whose hearts we freely submit to (yes, men do submit). There I said it. Men need touch, and I don’t mean the sexual kind, either. We like to be touched tenderly. We liked to be kissed, gently. We like holding hands we like being caressed. It soothes us, it calms us….it makes the monster go back into its cage. A very wise lover once said to me, “I need to know I can reign you in and you will hear me when you are out of control” A gentle touch on the forearm….you have my attention. This same woman touched me in a way no one ever had. Her touch reminded me of every woman I have ever known that has ever meant anything to me. Her one touch reminded me of my Grandmother, my Mother and her own unique presence embedded into that one spiritual sensation. You ever see those movies where some sage wants to show the hero a look into the past and the sage touches the hero and there is a montage of a past life experiences or visions?
A touch like that which reminds you of sensations your soul can’t remember, but it recognizes. It’s like that.
5. The women you sleep with will impart their energy to you.
According to Willhelm Reich, scientist and sexologist, the purpose of an orgasm is to unload bioenergetic excess. Through the liberation of sensational energy, you can get rid of negative energy. That being said, what proves to be beneficial to one person can turn harmful to the other. Sharing energy can imply the unconscious sharing of charges, patterns, information, fluid’s, issues, addictions, among other damaging elements, with your sexual partner. This whole interaction is thought of as sexual energy. It links two auras to create a deep connection based on sex, which comes with feelings and physical signs of affection. This is why having multiple sexual partners can backfire, given that the aura can experience unbalance from confusing energies.
You exchange energy and absorb each other’s aura. What she is, what you are, essentially blends. Good and bad, hence the desire of many who believe in Metaphysical or Astral Energy a desire to only have sex with individuals who vibrate at their level or above. (Metaphysical, or Astral Energy, is basically anything outside our 4-D physical Universe. When a consciousness is the source or directing force, then, said energy can be called Spiritual Energy as well. For years I was in love with a woman who was very “dark and destructive” in her energy patterns. Her aura heightened in me what were negative parts of my own destructive familial patterns, aligned with her own “dark nature” and manifested destructive patterns in my own life. Needless to say, my dark side ruled. Once I was away from that “energy” and stepped into the “light” of someone who radiated positive vibrations or energy patterns (and my soul was ready to accept the “lesson”) my life changed. I ate healthier, I meditate, I am calm, peaceful and essentially very loving. As they say, you are what you eat. So you are, who you sleep with.
6. You will need a safe place to be your authentic self.
A few months ago an article written by Dr. Jed Diamond, struck the depth of my psyche. It clarified feelings and longings that I couldn’t put words to. I won’t even try to explain this because, in my book, Dr. Jed Diamond owns this explanation (which should be the forward in any book unlocking and demystifying the male sexual psyche):
“What do men want more than sex? We’ve all heard that women need to feel loved to have sex, but men need to have sex to feel loved. Let’s look more deeply at what it is exactly that men are getting when they get sex. Sure, there is the physical pleasure, but there is a deeper need that is being satisfied. I call it the need for a safe harbor. We long for that safe harbor where we don’t have to pretend to be something we’re not in order to be chosen. We long for someone who sees us for who we are and wants us anyway, who can hold us and touch, not just our body, but our hearts and souls. “Always wanting sex” is part of the male persona we wear to show we’re manly.
What we really want is a safe harbor where we can take refuge, relax, and be cared for. In other words, we want the feeling of being nurtured that most of us didn’t get enough of when we were children. But admitting these needs makes us feel like little boys, not big strong men. Better to be manly with our sexual desire and then once we’re inside her body, we can relax, be ourselves, and be infused with love. That’s the hidden desire we have when we have sex.” If you don’t know Dr. Jed Diamond’s work, you need to. He lets you know that you are O.K., and that you will be O.K. (Thank you, Jed. God Bless your brilliance and what you do in decoding us).
7. Put your higher Power in front of everything you do.
I am this happily twisted melange of Christianity, Buddhist thought, and new Astral Energy. I am evolving and learning as I go through my life journey. The three for me explain so much of what I see and feel. The Foundation is my belief in God and our Savior Jesus Christ. I am by no means saying this must be your path. What I am saying is believe in something (anything) above you, something higher than your own flawed and mortal construct, something in your soul that you answer to. For me, when all else fails, there is God. For me, things don’t fail if you put him in front of it, whether it’s a relationship, a marriage, your health, you name it. I have learned that if I put God first and exemplify his qualities, but especially the empathetic higher vibrating qualities of Love, Joy, and Peace in everything I do, I win. There is no challenge I can’t face, live, or love through because I subscribe to something greater than myself.
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Now that I am aware of these things that I wish someone had told me, I hope that everyone reading it, young and old can see the love for my fellow man, for you, my dude, in this discussion and strive as I do, to better myself daily.
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Greetings Franklin, I recently had the honor of sitting down to lunch with Elaine Aron and Jacquelyn Strickland at the international HSP Gathering Retreat, where I shared my observation about the increasing number of people stepping forward into the role Elaine calls the ‘Priestly Advisor’– bringing our incredible trait and unique abilities as leaders in our part of the world. As a leader of a Meetup community of 500 sensitive people, life coach and blogger, I know personally that sensitive leadership can be incredibly rewarding. Seeing someone new to the trait expressing deep relief upon realizing they’re not odd or… Read more »
Franklin, thanks for sharing what loving men really want and the kind of loving support we can get from family. Wish I had an Aunt Queen Elizabeth in my family.