7 Ways To Save a Struggling Relationship

After his wife died, I watched my 65-year-old next-door neighbor live out halfhearted days in quiet sobs. During one of my visits to his home, he confessed that he spent equal parts of his marriage frustrated as he did happily.

“There were times when I wanted to pack my things and just leave her,” he said as his eyes got filled with new tears, “but I never did.”

My neighbor braved the typical ups and downs of a relationship for a full 25 years. His pride was not in that he had found a relationship, but in that, he had lived it for so long. And the only secret to an everlasting marriage, he revealed, was this:

“Hold your partner closer to your heart than you hold your own ego.”

Nowadays, we believe that we always have options. Quick are we to think, “She’s no good, I’ll dump her and find someone better.” And quicker are we to find a new lover who displays the exact same if not worse tendencies as the one we just ended things with. We are taught to be independent, and this is an incredible discipline; we are self-made and self-satisfying egomaniacs. But taken to the extreme, this attitude will deservedly interfere in our relationships.

No one can be replaced for anyone else. Your partner is not a pair of jeans you picked up at the mall. Your partner was placed in your life for a greater purpose in divine timing. He or She is a human being brimming with flaws and awful failings but also abundant with potential integrity. Beware of abandoning someone just because they require a bit of affection and motivation. You also do, too. This is not to say that you should settle for an unhealthy situation, but a successful partnership entails honest work and the payoff can be extraordinarily rewarding in terms of not just finding love but also keeping it for the long term.

If you believe you can sift through people until you find the ONE, you will remain highly disappointed throughout your relationships. You may find someone different, perhaps a bit better, but they will still need that assurance so that they can give their one hundred percent. We enter a new relationship bearing the open wounds of our former ones, hungry for healing and emotional support from our partner. And each person we encounter will test our capacity for sacrifice, compromise, patience, kindness, and tolerance. A real relationship that endures through time is one in which you have poured forth more love and understanding than you ever thought was possible of you.

It’s admirable to believe in the unique power of your relationship, and even wiser to realize that no, you won’t magically stumble upon a fairytale love story. If you currently find yourself in a relationship that’s frustrating, broken, or on the brink of collapse, but that you believe deserves your effort, don’t give up. Consider these seven ways to save your struggling relationship:

1.Re-evaluate why you got together

Go back to that moment when you decided that this the person you wanna be with. Ask yourself: What drew me to this human being, to begin with? What qualities did they possess that made me fall in love? What made them special for you? And are they still? Reevaluating the reasons you got together reminds you of the reasons to stay together, and this strengthens your already existing foundation. Ask your partner what they love and now hate about you; open yourself up to constructive criticism and self-improvement.

2. Communicate!

There are all sorts of ways to communicate. The right way is asking your partner a relevant question, listening to their response then offering your take on their opinion. The wrong way is overwhelming your partner with your irritations, worries, and insecurities as soon as they walk in from a particularly long workday. Practice effective speech by engaging your loved one in a conversation of their choice and liking. Ask questions that matter to them; people open up when you inquire about their day, their feelings, etc. Once you’ve listened to what they have to say, offer your side of the situation. Stay away from heavy conversations in stressful times, and especially when both of you are emotional. Calm down, then approach the matter again. Don’t just sound off with your concerns; delve to the core of the matter by drawing your partner into the conversation first.

3. Do something special together

Perhaps you two have a favorite restaurant that you haven’t visited in a while, or you can return to the place where you first fell for each other? Being in a physical space where you have powerful memories of strong attachment can jump-start the relationship again. Also, you can try something that you’ve never done before. The start of something new and exciting produces serotonin and dopamine in our brains. It doesn’t have to be something extraordinary; even sitting on a park bench watching the children play as you hold hands together can be magical if the love exists. The important thing is that you stop talking about taking that vacation, or trying that new spot, and actually follow through on your intention to reconnect together.

4. Cut out external influences

Often it’s the outside voices that seep into our private relationships and brew unwanted awkwardness. Understand who’s playing a less positive role in your relationship and commit to keeping that person’s negative energy out. Keep your relationship as private as possible and divulge as little as you can. Don’t automatically admit your love woes to people that don’t even care. Chances are they are there just for the drama. Open up the gateways of communication instead and confess your concerns to your loved ones.

5. Forgive each other

To forgive is to detach from the bitterness, anger, and disappointments holding you back from the progress with your partner. Let go of the negative emotions keeping you from true forgiveness. Remind yourself that whatever happened, happened and that there is no reason to drag the past into your promising future. Lingering onto hurtful memories only perpetuates them. Be mindful that forgiveness is a process, not a result, so perform small, daily acts of kindness that are reflective of your intent to forgiveness.

6. Come clean about things

We all hold a few secrets that would deeply hurt our partner if they found out. This is actually normal. Certain things should simply be kept to ourselves and ourselves only. But honesty can trigger wonders in your partner’s opinion of you and take your love to a different level. Admitting your mistakes or regretful choices in life may make your partner want to open up, too.

7. Set boundaries with each other

And keep your word! If you set a rule for your partner, set a similar one for yourself also. This means that if your partner promises not to stay out late on a Sunday, you should abide by the same rule also. A relationship is a two-way road. Tell your partner honestly what you would like them to do or not do, then be prepared to accept the same feedback from them, too. Maintaining a relationship within comfortable bounds avoids arguments, tensions, and setbacks. It aids mutual growth if both partners are respectful toward the other’s wishes and choices. It also promotes a sense of security and trust that everyone is acting in good faith.

While we should never remain in a relationship that jeopardizes our well-being, all relationships require our earnest effort. Not giving up on someone and trying our very best to make it work are honorable tasks that make us unique beings.

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This post was previously published on Medium.com.

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