8 Red Flags People Stuck in Sexless Marriages Wish They Hadn’t Ignored

Did you know one in five marriages is sexless?

While there isn’t a precise way to gauge what constitutes a sexless relationship, most experts agree that couples who have sex ten times or less in one year are, for all intents and purposes, sexless.

I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t cope with having sex once every five weeks — unless my partner had legitimate reasons for withholding it from me.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), most relationships devoid of sexual intimacy don’t just happen out of the blue. There are usually early telltale signs that hint that sexlessness is a possibility.

r/DeadBedrooms, a subreddit devoted to discussing all things related to sexless relationships, offers some truly remarkable insights into identifying partners who have the potential to be deniers later on.

Below I have compiled a list of the most common eight red flags married r/DeadBedroom members wish they hadn’t ignored/missed early on in their relationship.

Before I get into the list, I want to preface by saying: my intention here is not to provide solutions for those already in sexless relationships. I’m doing this more for the benefit of those who are dating but fear the sex might dry up once they get married.

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They flipped the script after marriage

The fact that she never initiated…Ever. In the beginning, she never said “no” and was very adventurous, until after the wedding. Then the “no’s” started. And they never stopped, except for kids. — moriartys_muse_420

Sadly, this dynamic is all too common in many relationships.

Some people get off on the rush and excitement of being in a new relationship, and once the novelty wears off, they don’t feel the need to try so hard anymore.

While for others, it could be their primary goal is marriage or having kids, and the husband is just a conduit to achieving that.

Once married or the kids arrive, the incentive to keep their partner hooked with sex goes out the window — sex, in this case, was just a means to an end.

Men with low interest in sex do exist

We did long-distance for three years, and he wasn’t into sexting or phone sex. Never asked for a picture or what I was wearing. Didn’t seem to miss me sexually. He never wanted to hurry home from being out to get it on or have quickies. In year two we had a fight cause he wouldn’t tell me I looked beautiful or be all over me. — Dependent-win

Whenever the topic of sexless relationships comes up, people almost always assume the denier is a woman. But judging by the number of times women post in r/DeadBedrooms, it would seem the ratio between men and women is equal, if not more, in favor of women.

However, this is just my observation, and it’s hardly scientific. But it does show that there are a lot of women with high sexual appetites who are in relationships with men who have low to zero desire for sex.

Sex was never important

He rarely initiated

We had radically different points of view on sex. I think sex is to relax, bond, have fun, and helps me sleep, something you do on a lazy afternoon. Sex was nothing like that to him.

He had no fantasies, no wishes, no kinks, nothing. No wish to explore anything, toys, positions, outfits, nothing.

He looked very uncomfortable with others talking about sex. — TheCrappler

I have always been a big advocate of bringing up sex early when dating someone new, even if you intend to wait a while before getting into the physical aspects of the relationship. Otherwise, how else would you know your love interest is sexually attracted to you and that you are both on the same page if there is no tangible manifestation of said attraction?

They can’t feel desire for someone they love

“You are the nicest man I have ever dated! All my exes were so awful/abusive!”

“We’re in love. I don’t have to degrade myself like that anymore.”

How interesting she had wild kinky sex with all her awful or abusive exes, for years, but thought even basic sex was just too degrading with me, the nicest man she had ever dated. — Anonymous

This sounds like a gender-flipped version of the madonna whore concept coined by Sigmund Freud.

For those not in the know, the concept refers to a physiological dichotomy in men who view women as either madonna — virtuous, chaste, pure — the whore — promiscuous, sexually desirable, and degraded. The first is loved but never desired, while the latter is desired but never loved.

While the term originally referred to men, I don’t see why it can not be relevant to all genders in this day and age. The above poster’s partner perfectly encapsulates the concept. She sexually desires the bad boy and obliges him with all the nasty hot sex she can muster while feeling nothing toward someone meant to be the love of her life because she perceives him to be too good.

Or maybe she was never sexually attracted to him, and her excuses were just an elaborate ploy to get out of sleeping with him.

Guilt and sex are like oil and water — they don’t mix well

She cut off sex right after I proposed. Literally. We both grew up very religious, and she felt a lot of guilt about the pre-marital sex we’d been having for the past year. I reluctantly agreed, thinking in my heart it was the right thing to do at the time. I was very naive.

Our DB problems started as soon as the honeymoon was over. — Swimming_menu8607

I have nothing against people practicing religion if that’s their choice.

I do, however, have a problem with the dogmatic attitudes toward sex that Abrahamic religions foster in their followers.

As someone who grew up in a fundamentalist Christian household, going to church mostly involved sitting through hours upon hours of two kinds of sermons — hellfire and brimstone type or sex is wicked and sinful, and having it outside of marriage is the cause of all that is bad in the world.

This type of conditioning doesn’t magically go away just because you are married. It can take years to shake off the feeling that sex is wrong. And for some, it never truly goes away. Sex will always be associated with shame and guilt, something to be avoided at all costs.

They held off having sex for too long

I think my first red flag was when she told me she was a virgin at 31 years old. Since then I think I got enough red flags to put an old Soviet May Day Parade to shame. — Anonymous

I was debating with myself whether or not to include this as a red flag.

Being an older virgin, in and of itself, is not a surefire sign that the person will become a denier later on.

I suppose it depends on the reason why they are an older virgin in the first place.

It’s possible to abstain from sex for reasons that have nothing to do with desiring sex. Perhaps it could be due to social anxiety/awkwardness, making interacting and moving things forward with the opposite sex difficult. Virginity, in this case, would be unintentional.

Being an older virgin only becomes a legitimate red flag when the reason for being one comes from not having a desire for all things related to sex. This could be caused by having a mental condition: trauma, mental blocks, or a physical condition: low testosterone, illness or vaginismus.

Now, it’s not that I’m unsympathetic to anyone suffering from the aforementioned conditions, I feel for them.

I just wouldn’t encourage anyone with a healthy sexual appetite to enter a relationship, let alone a marriage with someone who won’t be able to have sex the way they like it.

They settled for someone they feel no sexual attraction

Lack of urgency for/in sex was the first sign (in retrospect) in my relationship. There was never any raw passion, any “I have to have you right now” vibe from him. — Anonymous

According to this study, 7 out of 10 married people feel they have settled.

If the numbers are to be believed, it means the vast majority of people are going through life with a partner they feel “meh” about. Now that’s some depressing news.

Marriage therapist, Talia Litman, explains that people hang on to someone less than ideal in part due to fear of being alone. They rather stick things through than face the stress and uncertainty of the modern dating scene.

With this kind of mindset, is it any wonder why some marriages end up devoid of passion? It’s hard to feign genuine desire when your spouse doesn’t ignite your fire.

They could be asexual

My soon to be ex-wife told me that she has never felt sexual desire, never masturbated, was unsure if she ever had an orgasm (I could feel her physiological responses), sex did nothing for her, and would rather sew than have sex. Why she waited 23 years to tell me this is the real mystery. — CagedPika

CagedPika’s partner sounds like she could be on the asexual spectrum. But I could be wrong on this one.

The odds of entering and having a long-term relationship with an asexual (ace) person are relatively low, considering they represent less than 1% of the human population.

However, “low” doesn’t mean impossible.

Just because someone is ace doesn’t mean they have no interest in relationships. Most do, minus the sex part.

Ace people also know their orientation is a deal breaker for the vast majority. This might cause a few to mask their asexuality until they feel their partner is securely bonded. It could be what happened to CagedPika. Though, 23 years would be a hellishly long time to keep such a secret.

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All these red flags come with a caveat

Just because you have a partner that exhibits one of these red flags does not automatically mean you will end up in a sexless marriage.

But, if your partner exhibits two or more of these red flags, then it might be something you should seriously look into.

Still, everything mentioned here is just a suggestion. If you sense a problem, bring it up with your partner and discuss the matter with honesty, empathy, and compassion. The best way to find solutions to any relationship problem is by working together as a team.

If you are unable to do even that with your partner, then the relationship is probably in deeper problems that go beyond sex.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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