8 Subtle but Unhealthy Relationship Signs Most Lovers Ignore

Has this happened to you?

You had this incessant feeling that you’d taken a wrong detour. But you were too excited to see where it led.

So?

You just kept walking. You walked. And walked. And walked.

Until suddenly, you were awakened by the stench of your decision. Alas, you were right in the middle of the thick jungle.

Lost. Terrified. And worse, not sure if you’ll ever find your way back home.

Divorce. Breakups. Drama.

All make you feel like a man lost in the jungle. (And if you aren’t careful, you just might be a yummy dinner for the lions.)

Okay, I’m being a bit dramatic.

But the point is, we all hear a muttering, little voice saying we’re backing the wrong horse as far as relationships go.

But it’s hard to listen. To stop ourselves.

We’re too emotional, too sexually attracted to contain ourselves. Our judgment gets foggy.

A wise man said,

“You can’t cure that which you don’t know.”

If you don’t know that your relationship is unhealthy, you can’t begin to fix it.

So today, let’s break down what it means to be in such, piece by piece.

P.S. Stay till the end to find out what to do to avoid being in this situation.

Okay, let’s get cracking. Shall we?

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1. You’re Desperately Hoping for This.

A speaker once said something that became emblazoned in my brain,

“People are like rubber bands. They expand. The difference is their capacities for expansion.”

Translation? What Tim can put up with in a relationship is very different from what Sally can tolerate.

Relationships are about taking in the good with the bad.

You show up in our lover’s life with rough edges, and they have to find a way to cope with them. The opposite is true.

The problem comes in when their flaws become too extreme and dangerous that it goes beyond our capacity to handle. Some lovers keep telling themselves that their lovers will change when this happens.

Yet people only ever change if and when they want to. And if they never see a reason to change, it leads to a deeper frustration for you who is waiting and hoping.

2. You Can’t Shake Off This Gnawing Feeling.

Your gut always knows someone before you do. It doesn’t push away red flags the way your mind does.

That’s how powerful your gut is. The question is, do we lean into it or even heed its advice as often as we should?

Probably not.

Most of the time, we tell ourselves that relationships are complicated and require work. And that’s true, but there’s a limit to how far you can bend backward.

There’s trouble if you fight more than you enjoy being with your lover.

We have this thing of overriding our gut because we want to believe in the idea of being in a relationship more than the reality of the person we’re with and how invested they are in us.

If something feels off in the relationship, you have to be willing to zoom in and see where the problem lies and how you can fix it.

3. You Convince Yourself Why You Should Stay in the Relationship.

You should want to be in a relationship because it enriches your life, makes you happier, emotionally healthier, and puts a spring in your step.

No one should coax you into being in with them. You should want to be with someone because you want to be there.

Yet, too many people are in relationships to fill a void:

They don’t want to feel left out when their mates are hitched.
Pressure from their families.
Loyalty to their lovers.
Uncertainty of the future
The welfare of their kids.
All these reasons are valid.

Yet, if you’re in a relationship because you feel obligated to be there, you’re putting your mental and emotional health at the edge of a cliff.

There comes a time when you have to decide what is healthy for you and what isn’t.

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4. You’re Doing All the Work.

There’s a saying,

“You walk faster when you walk alone, but you walk further when you walk together.”

That about sums up the dynamics of a healthy relationship.

But if you’re the only one keeping the marriage afloat, rescuing your spouse, and constantly picking up the slack, something isn’t right.

Over-functioning might seem like a gesture of love. After all, relationships are about putting the other person first, right? Wrong.

The outcome of over-functioning is that the passive partner sinks deeper into passivity and dependency while the one doing all the work neglects their own mental and physical well-being.

A relationship becomes sweeter, richer, more fulfilling when two people take ownership of their roles.

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5. You Feel Incapable of Establishing Your Boundaries or, The Other Person Cannot Respect Them.

Last week, I watched three couples with over fifteen years of marriage under their belt speak of the secret sauce of their relationships.

One element kept popping up like a mushroom — The importance of personal boundaries.

They said boundaries dictate how emotionally close you allow others to come to you.

They are the lines you draw to determine how much you’re willing to give or take before feeling that things must change.

Boundaries are super essential in that if you don’t know what makes you uncomfortable, you won’t know what to demand.

Also, if you don’t know what your partner requires from you, you can’t know when you’ve gone too far.

People especially women, don’t establish or reinforce their boundaries for fear that their lovers will leave, but this ends up having a negative effect down the track.

One of the couples said,

“If you don’t assert your boundaries, you’ll end up becoming resentful of your partner because you’ve sacrificed your own needs too long in an attempt to please them. You’ll always feel that they’ve taken more from you than you were prepared to give.”

I had to chew on that for a while minute. I’ll let you do the same.

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6. You Hide Parts of Your Relationship for Fear of Judgment.

This was me when my marriage was crumbling.

I knew a storm was brewing somewhere in the middle of the ocean, and my friends knew this too. (Those who know you always sense when your life is going pear-shaped.)

Yet, their prodding only exacerbated my fear of being found out, so I swept the broken parts of my marriage under the carpet.

In as much as marriages aren’t a continuously smooth ride- you won’t always feel good about the state of things — it shouldn’t be something you have to hide all the time for fear of being judged.

The fear of judgment is a monster.

Yet, in a world where relationships are complex, you shouldn’t feel that you can’t speak up.

If you have to hide continuously, it probably is because the problem is much bigger than you’re willing to admit.

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Photo by Valerie Elash on Unsplash

7. You Simply Don’t Feel Good and You Wish You Weren’t Here.

Here’s my question for you dear reader,

Have you ever been in a relationship that broke you? Before it broke you, you had stopped feeling good about it long before, right?

Relationships don’t go stale overnight. Breakups don’t happen in an instant.

They simmer for a while before boiling over:

You constantly walk on eggshells. Uncertain of when the next explosion will occur.
You feel triggered by even the most innocent actions.
A tiny comment, instantly yanks you to a dark emotional place because you’ve grown too sensitive and uptight.
You lose parts of yourself, finding no joy in the things you loved before the relationship.
Your feelings are continually invalidated so you decide to stop voicing them altogether.

Too many of us are fixated upon the idea of being in a relationship that we forget to examine how being in it makes us feel.

A relationship should make you feel alive, not insecure. Marriage should make you feel happy and fulfilled not jaded and reminiscing the good old days.

Surely, it’s got to be better than that.

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8. You Start To Gaslight Yourself.

Yes, there’s such a thing as gaslighting yourself, people.

But before we get there, what is this gaslighting business, anyway?

It’s a common tool that manipulating lovers use to keep their lovers on a leash by making them doubt their own feelings.

For example, my pal’s husband used to make some hurtful comments about her appearance. (Who does that? Eye roll.)

When she voiced her displeasure, he’d say,

“Chill. You’re too sensitive, lighten up a bit.”

Believe it or not, such comments are common among partners.

But, did you know that when done so much, it can make you start to gaslight yourself?

Your partner does something that rubs you off the wrong way and you instantly invalidate yourself because you’ve been told too many times that you’re too sensitive, that you’re overreacting.

When you’re constantly gaslighting yourself, something chips away at you, and before long, you lose your authenticity.

Not healthy.

When you become accustomed to invalidating yourself expand the space for others to take advantage of you and not take responsibility for their actions.

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