9 Common Traits of Abusive Partners

“Standing alone is better than standing with people who hurt you.” — Anonymous

Partner abuse in relationships can come in many forms, including physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional.

What are the types of abuse?

“Don’t judge yourself by what others did to you.” — C. Kennedy Omorphi

Certain types of abuse, like physical abuse, are easier to recognize. However, all forms of abuse are harmful and can have negative effects on a person’s physical and emotional wellbeing.

For example, emotionally abusive partners fail to meet their partner’s needs for love and support. Emotional abuse is usually also referred to as psychological abuse.

Physical abuse can leave scars on the body but emotional abuse is that kind of abuse that leaves more scars, albeit invisible, than physical abuse does.

The worst part about it from my experience is that when you are the victim, you are too close to see the whole picture and realize that you are being emotionally abused. Many times, we write off emotional abuse as our partners having “a bad day”.

When we get into relationships, we believe our partners will love and care for us unconditionally. They will provide us stability, be our nurturers, carers, and be there to help us grow and become a better person. They will show us how to be confident and strong.

A relationship dynamic can be complex and it can have a lasting impact on you and your future. Emotional abuse is not just manipulation and belittling the other, it is more than that. Emotional abuse can diminish your confidence, affect your self-worth, and make you feel ‘less-than’ — even when you’re not.

However, it is not a healthy relationship where your partner constantly undermines you and makes you feel unworthy. It is unhealthy when you always feel like you have to earn your partner’s love.

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What is the cycle of abuse?

“When it comes to abuse, you believe there’s no way out. There is always help. There is always a way out.” — Rev. Donna Mulvey

Being in an abusive relationship hurts.

There is often a cycle of abuse that occurs where there is a period of building tension, followed by an abusive act, and then a “honeymoon” period.

During the honeymoon period, the abuser may be especially nice to their partner in an effort to make up for what happened.

Abusive partners often threaten their victim to keep the abuse secret, preventing other people from stepping in.

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“Of pain you could wish only one thing: that it should stop. Nothing in the world was so bad as physical pain. In the face of pain there are no heroes.”― George Orwell, 1984

The traits I am about to share below are backed up by science and supported by findings from these papers published in the US National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health. They are shared by most abusive partners.

Here are 9 common traits of abusive partners.

1. The Abusive Partner Physically Injures their Victim

“No woman has to be a victim of physical abuse. Women have to feel like they are not alone.” — Salma Hayek

Partners who commit physical abuse are unable to control their anger and turn to violence, including hitting, kicking, or choking.

Victims may develop broken bones or bruises.

Abusive partners often tell their victims that they would lie if their injuries were ever questioned.

Colleagues at work, friends at the gym, and doctors all play an important role in detecting physical abuse, since they may be the first ones to notice the signs.

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2. The Abusive Partner Withholds Love

“Withholding love is a form of self-sabotage, as what we withhold from others we are withholding from ourselves. The love that you withhold is the pain that you carry. In every moment we make a decision — whether conscious or unconscious.” — Marianne Williamson

Emotionally abusive partners may withhold love and affection as a way to punish their victims or change their behavior.

This hurts a person’s sense of self-worth and lowers their esteem thus making it harder for victims to leave their abusers since they learn to depend on them for affection and love.

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3. The Abusive Partner Uses Manipulation to Get What They Want From Their Victim

“Manipulation is a contagious disease, much more dangerous than the flu because it can endure for a lifetime.” — Dorothy Mccoy

Abusive partners can resort to manipulation to get what they want from their victims, and can often include gaslighting them to further create doubt in their minds.

While any relationship dynamic can involve manipulation, it is especially common in relationships where one partner is abusive.

Manipulation also sometimes comes about in the form of neglect.

Neglect is also a type of abuse. Neglectful partners may withhold their love and affection from their victims. This withholding can be used as a form of punishment. Often this form of abuse is accompanied by other types, like physical and verbal abuse.

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4. The Abusive Partner Consistently Makes Critical or Hurtful Comments Toward their Victim

“Verbal abuse is still abuse. It`s abuse in the form of words. Don`t assume that a few hurtful words won`t cost them their life. Words hurt.” — Unknown

Emotional and verbal abuse are much harder to detect than physical abuse, but they can be just as harmful.

An emotionally abusive partner may put down their victim on a regular basis.

For example, they may call them “stupid” for preparing dinner late. In abusive relationships, these types of snide comments happen on a regular basis and leave the victim feeling worthless.

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5. The Abusive Partner Might Control Their Victim’s Behaviour and Take Financial Advantage of Them

“I don’t think people realize how much strength it takes to pull your own self out of a poisonous situation with someone you love deeply. So if you’ve done that today or any day, I’m proud of you.” — Horacio Jones

Abusive and controlling partners attempt to monitor their victim’s every move, even though they exhibit the need for more independence and autonomy.

They may forbid hangouts with friends or demand that their victim continue an activity despite wanting to stop.

This is a form of emotional abuse that limits that victim’s abilities to live freely and exhibit important relationship skills.

Abusive partners may also financially abuse their victims who earn their own money.

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6. The Abusive Partner Humiliates their Victim in Front of Other People

“… you don’t have to wait for someone to treat you bad repeatedly. All it takes is once, and if they get away with it that once, if they know they can treat you like that, then it sets the pattern for the future.”
― Jane Green, Bookends

Emotionally abusive partners may use shame and humiliation as a way to hurt their victims.

They may tell embarrassing stories or engage in name-calling in front of other people.

This is typically done in front of the victim’s peers, leaving them to feel embarrassed and hurt.

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7. The Abusive Partner Might Be Sexually Inappropriate With the Victim

“Your abuser’s trauma does not justify them abusing you.” — Anonymous

Partners who commit sexual abuse engage in inappropriate sexual behaviors with their victims.
Sexual abuse can be hard to notice, but some people may display their own signs. For example, a person that is sexually abused may act out sexually with people younger than them because in a twisted way, it gives them some level of control.

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8. The Abusive Partner’s Anger Is Unpredictable

Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath. – Eckhart Tolle

Abusive partners have trouble managing their anger and can have angry outbursts that may feel like they come out of nowhere.

Victims of abusive partners may describe feeling like they have to “walk on eggshells” to keep their partners from getting angry.

This creates significant stress and anxiety for victims, who feel constant pressure to be on their best behavior.

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9. The Abusive Partner Might Use Religion to Control their Victim

“So many people suffer from abuse, and suffer alone.” — Pamela Stephenson

Religion and spirituality can serve an important and healthy function in relationships by providing beliefs and values to live by.

However, in some rare cases religion may be used in a harmful way.

For example, some religious groups have used their beliefs to justify sexual and other forms of abuse toward partners in relationships.

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I leave you this quote by Bell Hooks for your reflection;

“Usually adult males who are unable to make emotional connections with the women they choose to be intimate with are frozen in time, unable to allow themselves to love for fear that the loved one will abandon them. If the first woman they passionately loved, the mother, was not true to her bond of love, then how can they trust that their partner will be true to love. Often in their adult relationships these men act out again and again to test their partner’s love. While the rejected adolescent boy imagines that he can no longer receive his mother’s love because he is not worthy, as a grown man he may act out in ways that are unworthy and yet demand of the woman in his life that she offer him unconditional love. This testing does not heal the wound of the past, it merely reenacts it, for ultimately the woman will become weary of being tested and end the relationship, thus reenacting the abandonment. This drama confirms for many men that they cannot put their trust in love. They decide that it is better to put their faith in being powerful, in being dominant.”

Thank you for reading.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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