Dating isn’t easy. Sami Holden provides pointers daters may want to keep in mind.
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Dating is a nerve-wracking process that can be fraught with miscommunication. Too often no one really knows who wants what. I arrived at the dating game in my early twenties, which I realize is later than most. I was younger in college – no one wanted to date a 16 year old. Then a handful of health issues lead my focus elsewhere. Through my on-line dating journey, I’ve acquired some awfully strange stories. Variety is interesting and meeting new people to me is fascinating. Intermittently, there will be a strange happening as if my date has missed “the memo” on dating, and often these things lead to no future dates. I’ve found it beneficial to keep these points in mind for a more successful dating experience.
Know the pitfalls of technological communication. Everyone has different styles of how they prefer to communicate. If you aren’t a texter, there’s nothing wrong with that. Be up front about it. In the age of quick response, it’s easy to misinterpret slow communication for disinterest. In the process of scheduling a date, try to reply back as soon as you can to a text message. It once took me four days to set up a single date. I would immediately reply to a text question of what food I like, and it would take me a day to hear back. It turned out that my date was going through a phase of using less forms of technology (Facebook was deactivated and e-mail rarely checked), but because I wasn’t aware of this it just seemed like disinterest. Also, it was generally maddening. If your date makes you think about the stand-up bit Aziz Ansari did about texting and dating – “What, did you check your phone in a locker and go ride a roller coaster for a few hours?” – you may want to consider someone else.
Be considerate of time. I pulled up to a restaurant to receive a text message from a date attempting to reschedule for a few hours later. My date was out late the night before celebrating a sibling’s birthday an hour away, decided to go for a run, and then realized there was no way to arrive on time for the date. I’ve cancelled dates before because things come up in life, but it should be done within a reasonable amount of time. Deciding to go for a run and losing track of time isn’t an excuse, and scheduling the date for a more convenient time to begin with would have been a better way to go. Knowing in advance could’ve saved me the half hour it took to get to the restaurant. The originally planned date was close to the lakefront, and instead of just heading home I got some coffee and took in the view for a while. If someone is inconsiderate of your time, there’s always opportunity to make lemonade (with vodka, preferably) out of lemons.
Avoid talk of the ex. There is maybe a two hour window of time being spent with your date (perhaps more…); it should be easy to not have to mention the ex. If you must include reference to your ex in a story, what works for me is to refer to them as “my friend”. “Have I been to Chicago? Yes, I went there with my friend.” It’s the easiest fix I’ve found. If your date is mentioning their ex multiple times over– run, run, run far away. That is, unless you enjoy hearing about topics like a cat custody battle, but I don’t have the patience to do that again.
Plan for a convenient date location. Not everyone drives, and in some cities this isn’t a problem. I live in a city with terrible options for public transportation. At one point, I didn’t drive, and know it can be a challenge to find transportation. If a date needs to be picked up (or you need to be picked up), this should be brought up well before a date being planned. Not everyone is fond of having a stranger get in their car. One date never acknowledged the lack of transportation and I picked a restaurant not on the bus line. It was a trek for my date to get there and I felt terrible about that – especially since it was in the middle of a particularly cold Wisconsin winter. Also consider if you’re willing to travel forty minutes for a cup of coffee when they only walked two blocks to meet up for the same cup of coffee. It does pose a potential long-term problem if they have no way to get to you, and you have to spend your time driving to them. Is that something you’d be OK with?
Be cautious of nervous drinking. I’m calmer on a job interview than before a date. It’s easy for that one drink to calm the nerves to turn into multiple drinks. I showed up to a day-date mid-week to find my date already four beers in – at a coffee shop. A conversation was nearly impossible. If your date has to reach a certain level of drunkenness to feel comfortable with being themselves, this might be a red flag.
Dress for the date. Going bowling calls for a very certain set of attire. Going to a nice restaurant is another sort of attire. Are sweatpants appropriate attire for this first date? Dress like you care about the occasion.
Know that great dates don’t need to be expensive dates.This should be the least stressful part of the date, and somehow always seems to be the most stressful dating complaint I hear from friends. One date recommended we go to a nice French restaurant where I found out once the check arrived that my date’s work check had not gone through and I would be paying for everything. I would’ve picked a different restaurant had I known. If you feel uncomfortable with finances when it comes to dating, try to strategize a more affordable option. If it’s a few dates in, I will cook for my date because I love cooking. I’ve meandered around a park for part of a day and had a really wonderful time. Many major cities have scavenger hunts that can be found on-line. Cheap options are out there.
Limit distractions. If a date recommends a loud bar, I’ll generally recommend somewhere else. I get easily distracted where loud noise is concerned. Is your cell phone going to be a distraction? Try leaving it out of sight. If your date is checking their phone all of the time, you may want to question if they really want to be there. In my experience, it’s generally unsuccessful to attempt to watch a sports game and be on a dinner date (going to a game though, could be a lot of fun). When a date yelled at the game playing on the TV behind me, it was startling to say the least.
Have fun! Dating is about meeting someone new, not trying to immediately figure out if this is the person you’re meant to be with. Learn about them. If they are not asking questions about your life in response, this is a problem. Everyone likes to talk about themselves, but make sure there’s balance to the conversation. On any date I go on, I always try to take away one interesting thing about the other person. If I leave the date feeling apathetic about the past few hours, then I know there will be no future dates. Even if the date turns into a catastrophe, maybe you’ll end up with an interesting story.
Don’t put up with less than you’re worth. Good luck out there!
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This post is republished on Medium.
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