9 Relationship Lessons I’ve Learned

1. You can’t change someone, but people can change

I know people can change because I have.

I went from being a manipulative, controlling, needy, and anxiously-attached partner to a more secure one: giving more space, demanding less attention, and not worrying so much about things outside my control. Not only did this improve my abandonment anxiety, but it also improved my relationships.

It’s okay to want your partner to change within reason and for self-improvement. After all, we want the best for our relationship — we want it to succeed — and we do so by showing up as our best selves. But unless they are admitting their faults (you need to do this too), want to change, are motivating themselves, and putting the effort in, they won’t. And there’s not much you can do about it.

Your partner may also admit these flaws outright, saying things like “You deserve better than me,” “I’m a horrible person,” and “I destroy every relationship when things get serious because I get scared.”

Believe them.

I know you want to see the best in them, and that’s great, but they know themselves better than you do, and such things aren’t said without cause.

(I wrote a poem on this here).

If they have a history of unhealthy patterns in their relationships, stop trying to be “the exception” or “the one to change them.” You need to decide: is this behavior something you can tolerate for the rest of your life? Which takes me to point 2:

2. Your time is valuable

You have one life, and x amount of chances to find your person.

Don’t waste your valuable time trying to change someone who has a deal-breaker quality for you, especially when they have no drive to improve. Don’t try to force something that doesn’t fit. Don’t stay with someone who has opposing long-term goals in the hopes that they will change their mind in the end.

Because chances are, they won’t.

And bam. Just like that, you spent 5 years of your life in a relationship that was doomed to fail from day 1, and the worst part is: you knew it all along.

3. You can’t fill someone else’s cup

Speaking of things that are doomed to break a relationship, such as a lack of effort and opposing goals and values, one-sided love is doomed, too.

You can’t give your everything to someone and expect them to wake up one day and think, “Wow, I never realized how amazing this person has been to me until just now! I want to be with them forever!”

No. Instead they will think, “Wow, I get everything I want, and I don’t need to put any effort in at all. Sweet!”

You deserve better than that. Loving someone takes energy; it is not something you can afford to just give away for free.

(Here is a poem I wrote from when I was in a one-sided partnership).

4. You want someone who respects you as well as loves you

You can have respect without love, but you cannot have love without respect.

What’s the best way to get someone to respect you?

Respect yourself first, and know your worth.

Have boundaries that you do not sway on. Do not guilt or plead when they threaten to leave (which is manipulation on both accounts). Do not continually give your everything to someone who gives only ever offers you a half-love. Do not try to convince someone who doesn’t want a relationship to change their mind, or someone who walks away to stay.

I’ve done the opposite of all of the above. It left me with little to no self respect, which just made the breakup harder in the end. Now, I keep my chin up, and if someone doesn’t want me I remind myself:

“I only want someone who wants me.”

5. Relationships take work and some arguing is normal

What matters is how you manage your disagreements.

As you and your partner learn more about each other, including triggers, thought patterns, how you both show love, etc., the arguments should become less frequent over time.

Fighting becomes problematic when it’s constant, when it happens over everything, and there is yelling involved / little control over tempers.

Because of this, it’s a good idea to have a conflict resolution system in place.

When arguing, it might be beneficial for you and your partner to take some space before coming back together. This gives you both the opportunity to collect your thoughts and calm down, so you can come back together as a team and tackle the problem instead of each other. After all, what you say in the heat of the moment can’t be taken back.

Since I am able to process my thoughts and emotions better when writing as opposed to speaking, I like to use the time apart to write out what I am thinking, which I can later discuss with my partner in a more tactful way.

6. Space is good, not bad

It’s normal to want to spend all your time with your partner, to forget other things that are important in life (work, eating, sleeping..), and, for people like myself with an anxious-attachment style, to almost merge with them.

These things seem great at first — euphoric, even — but they can create problems in the long-run (like smothering to the point that someone is asking for more space, or they’re running away entirely because they feel like they lost themselves and their independence).

Retaining a healthy amount of independence is a good thing, and you and your partner must find a healthy balance that both keeps you connected and allows you to maintain your sense of self and take care of your needs.

It is true when they say “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” and when you and your partner reconnect after spending some time apart, it makes your time together long-awaited and much more meaningful.

7. You may annoy each other at times

It’s helpful to recognize that when you are annoyed with your partner, it probably has more to do with you than them. Perhaps you are stressed out from work, you’ve been spending too much time together and neglecting your needs, or something else happened that put you in a bad or irritable mood.

Be self-aware with this and spare their feelings by keeping it to yourself. When your mood is better, you’ll be pleased to find that they aren’t actually that annoying.

(Although, as a brat, I love to annoy my partner in good fun).

8. You need to continually put effort in

A relationship is like a car: it needs gas to run, and it won’t run without it.

You can’t just buy a truck and think, “What an achievement! I got the truck I’ve always wanted! Now I can rest and everything will take care of itself from here on out,” and then drive it as much as you want without re-filling the tank; your truck will stop after a certain point.

Likewise, a relationship needs continuous displays of effort and love to keep it healthy, happy, and “running.”

9. It doesn’t matter that someone “truly loves you” if they can’t treat you right

I stayed in an unhealthy relationship that was void of effort for longer than I should have because I believed I was truly “loved,” and that she just wasn’t able to show me this love in the way I needed.

Guess what?

It feels the exact same as being unloved. I was miserable, depressed, and constantly reaching for more.. which was never given to me. And I shouldn’t have expected it, either.

So don’t waste your time trying to figure out their “true feelings,” because it really doesn’t matter. How do you feel?

At the time, I felt like one of those rats in studies, where they keep going back to get more “treats” out of habit and hope, even though no more treats were coming.

(Here is a poem on my experience).

This same thing applies to abusive relationships. People stay because they have misplaced hope; because they want the apologies, promises, and love-bombing to be real after their partner exploded on them.

But here’s the truth: you are not being loved, respected, or cared for when this happens. And if you genuinely believe you are loved by this person, who has no control over their emotions for whatever reason, then you need to at least accept that they are not ready for a relationship at this moment in time, or that they are not an ideal long-term partner.

“The best apology is changed behavior.”

Remember: if they want to change, they will put the effort in. If they wanted to treat you right, they would be by now, or there would have at least been improvements by now. And it says nothing about your worth if they are not making the necessary improvements to maintain a relationship with you, because,

You deserve the same effort you invest in someone else.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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