A Cyclical Tale of Modern Love

I love when things are cyclical — when everything just comes together so seamlessly. It’s as if there is a motion, a perfect flow that leads to what was to be, of what is, of what was. Of course, it’s best to recognize these patterns once the circle has been fully developed. Not when you just have a feeling of foresight, like you can see how it will all come together. No. It’s only perfect in its cyclically beautiful way once it is fully in motion and bonded together as a perfect circle, as if all is right in the universe.

I think I’m finally close to being a part of that idyllic flow — of allowing something to meld together just as it should. The beginning, the middle, the now, the future. It’s here. It’s so close. I can feel it.

It Starts with the Modern Love Podcast

The beginning: It was the spring of 2016. I was listening to a reading of a Modern Love story, “Friends Without Benefits.” The piece was about waiting for love. Waiting for your Mr. Right. Waiting for that college sweetheart to come back into your life. Waiting for a roommate to realize he loves you.

I remember sitting in my house exactly where I am right now. I was so drawn into that story. It stirred something within me. I felt awake, aware and ready. At the end of the podcast, they asked us listeners to share brief recordings of our own personal stories about waiting for love. It was ironic that I participated because not only had I never listened to a podcast before, I also had never felt compelled to share my story as a listener or as a reader.

I was usually the interviewer, the journalist, the reporter, the writer. I was the one trying to get others to speak and to think and to share. Yet, there I was recording and submitting my story. I, along with so many others all over the world, was sharing my personal story about waiting for love.

My submission was different though: I was not waiting for love to come into my life or to return to my life. I was waiting for love to exit my life. I was trying to gain strength to end a 10-year relationship that wasn’t evolving or improving. I was stuck, so I was waiting for the courage to leave.

A producer contacted me after hearing my story and asked me if I would share more, as she thought my words might resonate with listeners.

June 5, 2017: MODERN LOVE PODCAST

But life doesn’t always have happy endings, of course, and you shared those stories with us, too. Sometimes, it’s not about waiting for a relationship, it’s about waiting within one. Here’s Amy from Chicago.

I’ve been in a relationship for about ten years. When we first got together, I had just left my marriage, and he was ending a relationship, so I was waiting for his relationship to become finalized. And then, we were waiting for our kids to get a little bit older, and we were waiting to start blending our families. Then we were waiting until the right moment for us to live together. And now that we are living together, I still realize that I’m waiting and that I’ve probably even spent the last year waiting to even find the strength just to admit that the relationship is never going to be the relationship that I want it to be. I really want to love in a big way today. And I really truly think that that story that the writer shared with so much vulnerability and everything was really helpful for me. So I’m waiting for the confidence to walk away.

Connecting with a Total Stranger

A listener named Jill heard my story and reached out to the producer asking for my contact information. I later learned that this was unusual for Jill, as well. Just as I had never listened to a podcast or shared my own romantic struggles with strangers around the globe, Jill had never contacted a producer in an effort to connect with a total stranger.

Another cyclical situation — a similar pattern for two women — two strangers who were both bravely sharing, reaching out, expressing vulnerability and taking steps on personal, unchartered paths.

The producer asked me for permission to share my information with a listener, and without hesitation, I agreed. Jill quickly reached out to me. We met at Starbucks. Her story was so similar to mine. We shared our vulnerability and pain and inability to move forward over tea and easy conversation.

Holding Each Other Accountable

We became more than instant friends — we became one another’s cheerleaders as the weeks passed. “So, what’s going on with Waiting Guy?” she would ask me, referring to the boyfriend I was waiting for the courage to leave.

“Are you staying strong today and not reaching out to Waiting Guy?” I would text her, referring to the relationship that she had ended but not yet fully surrendered.

The days turned into weeks. The weeks turned into months. We kept each other on the right path. We would meet for coffee or go out dancing, all while we reminded each other to stay true to our goal. I felt an extra urge to be accountable after my desire was now on a recording that could be heard around the globe. Plus, I had this new friend who was motivated by my story and by my strength. I had to stay strong.

Saying Goodbye to Waiting Guy

Jill stayed on her path and kept moving forward. I appeared to do the same, although it took me longer than I had anticipated to say goodbye to Waiting Guy. But, I did finally say goodbye.

Seven months after I sent my recorded thoughts to Modern Love, I asked him to move out. I finally felt that I had clarity. But, I struggled. For three years thereafter, I went on many dates. I kept an open mind, I told myself. But, I hardly ever gave anyone a third date.

My walls went up quickly, as I seemed to fear getting in another relationship. Was I not over Waiting Guy? That couldn’t be it, I reassured myself. I just haven’t found the right one.

Jill did not put up walls. Although she did struggle with saying I love you to her new man. I told her to be fearless and authentic. To take a chance. To yell it from the rooftops. To put that love out there in the universe.

She finally took my advice. I met her new guy a couple of years ago. They were great together. They are both musicians, and there was a lyrical kind of energy that I could sense between them every time I was in their presence. It gave me confidence that letting go could actually lead to holding on to something new and romantic and better.

Then Comes Marriage

Last month Jill texted me — three and a half years after she first contacted me. “Boy, we came a long way, girlfriend. Guess who got engaged last night?” I was thrilled for her. I was thrilled for her new fiancé. I was thrilled even for myself as it gave me renewed hope.

It reignited my romantic notion of love, of second chances, of new beginnings, of everything that makes me sing in the car and dance at stoplights and write poetry and cry in movies. Cyclical. Just as my story motivated her, her story now was motivating me.

And, now here I sit tonight, thinking about these cyclical patterns, how this story started, how it came full circle for Jill and how it’s close to coming full circle for me. I can feel it.

Taking the Leap

I’ve gone out on two dates with someone in the last two weeks. My walls are not creeping up, even though this is the very time that they normally do so. I’m feeling open and the universe is signaling me. Or maybe it’s just my iPhone. Depends on one’s perspective.

And there’s that iPhone beeping at me again as I’m trying to write. It’s a text from this new guy. He said he knows it’s last minute, but will I join him tomorrow night at his niece’s wedding.

Before the thoughts start reeling through my head (A family wedding? What will I wear? Is it too soon to meet his entire family, including his two children? What do I have going on tomorrow? When was the last time I had my nails done? Is this going to be date number three? Do I really want to go on date number three already or at all?) I replied. Instead of thinking, I listened to my gut and immediately responded: “I’d love to go with you.”

Who knows? Maybe that romantic circle — that cyclical pattern — that circular motion that I love … Maybe it’s about to present itself so clearly. Or maybe this is just a small part of my journey toward whatever it is that I am destined to find.

All I know right now is that I need a manicure and a dress to wear.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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