A Guide To Loving Someone With Relationship Trauma

People with trauma are difficult to love.

They push people away. They get anxious when someone gets too close. Commitment feels heavy to them, even if it feels right to you. You show love. Yet they feel gaslighted.

I’m an introvert; I push people away. It is a super literal practice. My social battery dies, and I’ll walk away telling no one. Friends wonder where I went. Meanwhile, I know where they are because I’m watching from a corner.

It’s not the best way to deal with social situations. People with trauma aren’t the best in relationships, either. Crazy statistics exist around this behavior. Rape victims often get assaulted by someone new.

Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend type? Some therapists believe you’re searching for your ex in someone new.

Here is a guide to loving someone who has had an unfair share of trauma.

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Repetition Compulsion

Repetition compulsion is the unconscious need to recreate early trauma.

I’m like Taylor Swift. I deal with trauma by creating “leaving them before they leave me” scenarios. It’s not great. The person never had an intention of ending the relationship. Yet, I fear being the one dumped.

Never aspire to be like someone’s ex.

Avoid asking the person’s ex for advice.

You don’t want to give subtle reminders of the past. Your partner’s brain will have them unconsciously act to sabotage the new relationship.

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Hold back

Anytime, I say avoid declaring your feelings early. Someone says I am suggesting you play games. I’m not.

Love busts from inside you. But the apple of your eye doesn’t want to say they feel that way yet. And life isn’t one like the movies where they come back and say, “I feel the same. But I was afraid to share my feelings with you.”

Our generation heads to their group chat.
Have a few self-care nights to find themselves.
Then, hop into dating situations again with more trauma and baggage.

If you love someone, make them feel seen and heard. It’s not “I miss you”; instead, it is “I couldn’t sleep.” aka an un-heavy statement of your feelings. Yes, that was a Grey’s Anatomy reference *wink*.

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BE YOURSELF.

(Please read that with several exclamation points.)

Be you. Also be yourself at different locations.

You aren’t the Time Traveler’s Wife. You don’t know what fate has not decided for you. If someone says they have been to a place with their ex, suggest somewhere new. Be sexy, cool. And hold off.

Yes, she might want to take things slow with you because she wants her mind to register that this time is different.

The key phrase is unconscious mind.

Most people don’t know they are searching for their ex. They think they have a type. Your partner won’t change for their ex. But your partner will change for you if you appear new and worthy to them.

Your uniqueness and an unknown environment can help them try to leave their comfort zone. And dare to stay away from old habits.

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If you walk away

If you walk away, turn back.

People with trauma like to let go. They think they deserve the pain and heartache. They assume it is better for you if things end this way.

Chalk it up as another annoying act you do for love.

But they aren’t ready to face themselves yet. If you want the relationship to work, the first few times will need you to offer the olive branch.

Fear teaches people the wrong lessons.

I’ve blocked people on dating apps because they responded too slowly.

I assume it was their ghosting signal.

People with trauma protect themselves and love to see the glass as half-empty. It takes time to learn to live in the moment and not judge the glass.

Love your favorite traumatized human.

But don’t squeeze too tight too early.

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Snow Patrol’s Chasing Car is an appropriate ending for a such a piece.

Thank you for reading my article. I’m a relationship and side hustle writer, and I aim to provide content to help you achieve your love and money goals. If you’d like to join Medium and support me at no extra cost, please click here.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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