It’s been almost 20 years since our marriage ended and 14 years since the last time we saw each other. If I could go back in time and talk to our younger selves, I would have so much wisdom to share. Although our life together didn’t turn out the way I planned, I’m grateful for the lessons I learned. Despite all of the negativity that has passed between us, and even though you haven’t asked, I’m ready to forgive you. I’m ready to forgive myself.
I was only 20 years old when we met. I thought I was so sure of myself and what I wanted from life. The reality is, my self-esteem was nonexistent and I wasn’t able to comprehend how much I needed to feel loved. Also, it didn’t help that we began dating each other so soon after ending long-term relationships with other people. Neither of us were ready and we should have taken more time before jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. I will admit there was a childish thrill in keeping our relationship secret from our employer and other co-workers. I was more immature than I knew.
Of course, everything changed when I got pregnant. Despite birth control pills and a condom, our son found his way into the world. Being his mother has been one of the greatest joys of my life. Sadly, it’s also been extremely heartbreaking and painful. I don’t know if his drug addiction is your fault or mine, perhaps neither. Maybe it doesn’t even matter. I’m ready to let go of the anger and resentment I have towards you for abandoning him. I need to release the hostility and blame, the “what could’ve been” if you had been the father our son deserved.
I sometimes wonder how you would react if you knew how our adult son chooses to live his life. Would you be as affected as I am by the way it negatively impacts his son, my beautiful grandson? Would you feel as helpless as my husband and I do or would you be able to accomplish things we could not and persuade our son and his wife to turn their lives around? These are questions without answers and I need to stop dwelling on them in an attempt to save my sanity and my soul.
Our relationship, marriage, and divorce, taught me a lot about myself. I also learned what I didn’t want, which helped me recognize a healthy relationship when the right one found me. My husband has been everything I never knew I always wanted. His love has guided me to become the person I was always meant to be. Together, he and I have redefined love and strengthened our lives in a way I never thought possible. He has been an incredible Dad to our son, even though he was never truly accepted as willingly and loyally as you were. Despite your flaws as a father, our son remains hopeful you will find a way to make up for lost time.
These words are not meant to hurt you in any way. I hope you are happy and content in your life. I accept that you had to play a necessary part of my life, to allow me to move forward. Now we are both free from any chains we once forced upon one another. I am exactly where I’m meant to be and I hope you are too. I forgive you.
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