From one sperm donor to another, if you can, please be a good father.
Dear Irresponsible Sperm Donors,
Please stop wearing your baby mama drama on your sleeve. Not everyone wants to know you have those types of problems. People are not going to feel sorry for you or take your side for being the irresponsible one. You irresponsible sperm donors really infuriate me with your actions or your lack of actions, with your inability to self reflect, with your selfish ways of putting yourself before the life you’ve created.
You irresponsible sperm donors don’t seem to comprehend the importance of being a father figure, but it’s OK for you to be enraged when you’re being taken to court for child support. It took both of you to create that child, so both of you are responsible for that child. If that’s what it takes to convince you to be a part of your child’s life, then you probably deserve it. The circumstance of your situation is merely consequence, not cruelty.
If you’re curious as to why I’m addressing you in such a disrespectful manner, irresponsible sperm donor, it’s because I envy you—simple as that. I have a daughter that will be two this year, and my daughter’s mother doesn’t want me anywhere near my own child. It torments my soul when she mentions men like you, who prefer not to be responsible for your child’s upbringing. She doesn’t want my daughter to know who her biological father is.
I’m being viciously punished for wanting to be noble, responsible, and engaged in my daughter’s life. Now that’s cruel, heartless even. I didn’t get to witness anything that a father cherishes for the rest of his child’s life. I didn’t witness her birth, the first time she sat up on her own, her first crawl, the first time she stood up on her own, her first steps, or her first words. It’s almost impossible for me to get a picture of my daughter.
Here I am, actually wanting to spend all my money on children’s clothes, pampers, bibs, sippy cups, Fisher Price toys, toddler books, and annoying ‘Yo Gabba Gabba’ DVDs. Relentlessly fighting to be there for my daughter on her first day of school and every chapter of her life thereafter. And here you are, irresponsible sperm donor, enjoying your single lifestyle, buying PS3s, going out to the club every weekend, taking mini vacations, watching your plethora of $40 Blu-ray movies on your 52-inch high-definition television, instead of providing for or spending time with your child.
You sir, disgust me. And the thought of you, whose child is accessible, not taking advantage of your opportunity when I don’t have that leisure, repulses me. When you get thrown in jail for failing to pay child support, I won’t have any sympathy for you.
—Photo ky_olsen/Flickr
There is no mention of the public policy that actually promotes absent fathers. You think you are the only one who has gone through this? No. There are so many men who go through the exact same thing with little to no legal help to enforce visitation, that is why “sperm donors” are becoming more common. Why no mention of abortion or adoption? So you are saying that if a woman is not ready to be a parent and has an abortion or gives the child up for adoption that is her “right”. If a man is not ready to… Read more »
There are legal measures the author can take to play a role in his daughter’s life. He doesn’t talk about them, but it’s possible he’s in the middle of a court case. We shouldn’t assume he’s done nothing.
Also, I don’t think we can assume he was a sperm donor. He refers to some men as irresponsible sperm donors because that’s how they are behaving. It sounds like he knows his daughter’s mother.
The solution is simple. If you’re both not married then just wear a condom. If one or both of you wan’t a child then discuss it ahead of time. Everybody has to be responsible for their own actions and health especially with all the diceases going around today.
Maybe I should address safe sex on my own site.
yeah, sorry but what?? you are a donor. you sign papers, you make agreements. you didn’t sign up to be a father. she didn’t sign you up to be a father, she signed you up to be a donor. if you were meant to be a father to the child, you would make a child with someone you love. you’re acting like the child that resulted from your sperm is like the house you built for someone else as a carpenter and feel justified in calling this house yours and now you feel dejected for not being invited over for… Read more »
Get used to it. The attacks on you will not stop. What you need to learn is that everything you do, as a man, is YOUR fault. Whatever befalls you, keep your mouth shut. Don’t look at who put a knife in your back, “grow some balls.” Don’t complain that anything is unfair, “man up.” Get a spine, don’t be a sissy, or a weakling or anything less than a man who takes what is given to him and says, “please ma’am,. may I have another?” There are millions of good men denied access to their children. Well, the ones… Read more »
Well said!
Outstanding! I posted similar logic below. This article is a joke and belongs on an anti male feminist blog some where.
Sadly, a number of GMP articles are anti-male feminist pieces. I have been campaigning to reduce the frequency of that kind of propaganda.
Dear “responsible” sperm donor – Grow some balls and start standing up for your right as a parent. Quit blaming other men’s actions and start looking at this woman you CHOSE to have sex with and impregnate. There are plenty of women out there that are just LOOKING for a man like you. Some that WANT to get pregnant and have no intentions of letting the father being involved more than that monthly check you’re thowing HER way. Why in the world do you “envy” men that don’t take care of their children? Why does it “torment your soul” when… Read more »
Love this post. Heather you are ABSOLUTELY spot on.
“your baby mama doesn’t have the right to say when and where you can see your child.”
Excuse me, but what planet are you from? I want to move there. Where I live, a place called Earth, courts will let baby mama turn day into night.
Unfortunately, the mother does have ALL the rights. She has the right to not even inform him of the child’s existence and the right to have him support for a child that is not his. Feminists have fought long and hard to ensure that fathers have little to no rights, to ensuer that they pay the money, stay in their coirner and do whatever the woman says.
Where did you get your time machine, and what year did you come from? 1978? I’m divorced and fathers are given equal rights in court unless there is evidence that they’re a bad influence on the child. My ex- and I have joint custody, the judge didn’t even blink before granting it.
As you can see here on 2011 men don’t have equal rights in reality. This case illustrates that. The courts continue to discriminate. Even on the rare occasions that the judge orders generous visitation or joint custody they never enforce it so it is meaningless. As a result, men end up in the situation of the writer.
That is not true Eric, I am a lawyer and in 2011 yes fathers do have right in the Court. For your information most Divorce Judgments in Probate Court give the father and the mother joint custody. Regarding the enforcement, that is up to the parties, if the mother is not complying with a Judgment and the father doesn’t file for a Contmpt it is his fault, not the Court’s. You shouldn’t speak about law if you are not knowleadgeable about it. With regard to the article, my first question is, does he have a Court order? If he doesn’t,… Read more »
Divorced fathers have more rights than unmarried ones.
That is true but even an unmarried man can get a Court order and visitation from the Court and the mother has to comply with it.
Heather: Do you not have a court ordered visitation schedule in place?
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We all know that a court ordered visitation schedule is worthless if the mother is unwilling to respect it.
There is nothing you can do as a father to enforce invitation rights.
Not yet but in Illinois we are advocating for the “Steven Watkins Bill” which would make denial of court ordered visitation similar to that of failure to pay child support.
Wrong, the father can file a Contempt in the Court and the mother has to comply with it.
And just so you know…your baby mama doesn’t have the right to say when and where you can see your child. Do you not have a court ordered visitation schedule in place?
You sound just like a person that has never been in that situation. Now we just a man to say there is no glass ceiling and a straight person to say that homophobia is a thing of the past…
Yes and no Heather. You are right about your criticism of the author and his whining. However your statement about “court ordered visitation” is wrong and something that non custodial parents are fighting for.
He already has a child. Impregnating someone else is not going to help his daughter.
Your “letter” needs to be written to the mother of your child. It can, and should, be short and sweet.
Dear X,
I will exert myself tirelessly and use all legal means to ensure my role as a father in my daughter’s life. You will not deny or minimize my ability to be a parent. We are, and will be, equal parents.
Rgds,
Dad
Then follow through.
I’m curious as to why your daughter’s mother won’t let you be involved. You left that part out. That leads me to think that maybe she had an expectation of marriage/commitment when she got pregnant (or maybe even before the pregnancy) and you didn’t want that. So why sleep with someone without a condom, with the likelihood of pregnancy, with no plans of being with her (marriage)? It’s clear in the article that you want to be a father, but nothing about being a husband. Am I co-signing her behavior, NO! Do I think she is wrong, absolutely? However, no… Read more »
“no rational person would be this small and vindictive just because?” There are a lot of people who are that irrational, small and vindictive, which is why men should choose their partners more wisely. She may just be crazy, who knows? Regardless, this scenario is extremely common. Whatever the case, unless he’s a child abuser, it’s irrational to punish the child for her actions since she didn’t use contraception nor seek an abortion, knowing she was unmarried. But, she has all the leverage to punish him for the rest of his life, whether he deserves it or not. “how responsible… Read more »
Why are you complaining when you knew the rules going in? You knew that men’s views and feelings are irrelevant. It’s her body and choice to do whatever she wishes with the child, abort, adopt or give birth – all without ever informing you. She could have put another man’s name on the birth certificate and cut you out totally. She could have waited until the child was 12 and THEN informed you, or never informed you at all. You knew that you had no voice or vote in any of that, but you chose to play anyway. So, stop… Read more »
The author is complaining because he’s letting himself be screwed by the system and another man decides to opt out? Have you considered that the father might not have wanted to be a parent? That “her body her choice” means the child was either birthed or aborted solely on the mother’s say so. That the Father may well have taken all responsible precautions, and we know contraception is not 100%, and yet you think he should become a wage slave to a child he does not want because you want to be close to your child. Or consider this, what… Read more »