A Letter to My Father

I don’t even know where to begin. As I begin to write, I am struck with a cloud of all my thoughts.

They are clumped together, I need a filter to sort all the thoughts out.

Let me start with why.

You left two daughters under the age of 2 and a wife who you made a promise to 2 years prior that you’d be with her till you two parted ways in death. So why did this all come crashing to a halt after 2 years? I hate that number…2 because of you.

Did it ever occur to you how your family was doing after you parted ways? Not a single card or letter telling your daughters how you miss them and want to try to be a part of their lives. How you’d wish you could be there to see them grow up. Now we can’t even look at men with daughters without bringing tears to our eyes. Those fathers show their daughters a love that’s unknown-foreign to us.

When we did try to reach out to you after 20 years of being estranged from each other; you told us that we weren’t our father and that my mother was not faithful to you and to leave you alone.

Even though we’re almost clones of you, my sister has your nose and height, I have your face shape and the same habits as you. It’s funny how personality traits were passed down without you there for me to witness it. I guess I just held on to stories of you and followed those habits just to feel close to you.

I took up smoking, but do you think I enjoyed it? No, I only did it because it always reminded me about you. On those lonely nights when I would try to escape into the comforting arms of a father. Only to be greeted by the cloud of smoke leaving my mouth on the exhale like a suffocating short hug floating away into the sky enough for me to get by.

I have put myself into the hands of men that just wanted to use me and, I let them. I never knew what real love between two people was like. You were never there to teach me, so it was easy to crawl into the arms of any man willing to take me on. The many regrets of beds I have shared with different men tell a story of how long I have been searching for a love that I didn’t know — but somehow was searching for.

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This is just my experience — what about my mother or my sister? I don’t even know if I would live the same way if I heard their stories. I can only imagine how horrible you’d feel if you heard them. I can only hope they weren’t full of as much pain and shame as my experiences were.

Do I blame you for what you did? Or am I accountable for my own actions as a fatherless daughter, raised by a mother who tried to fill both roles? In addition to providing financial support for two children? Who didn’t have enough time to make sure we were both on the right path, to stay out of trouble. No, I don’t blame her because she tried her best with what she was given or could afford.

I can’t say the same for you.

I’m wrapping up this letter I don’t think I can pen any more feelings or thoughts for a man who is as dead to me as a ghost. I want you to know that I have always tried to hold on to you for as long as I could, though you were a faint memory slipping away as each year passed. To “father” wherever or whomever he is: thank you for making me into the woman, I am today. You not being here has taught me how to be a woman that can thrive and survive without the need of a man. Seeing this in my mother, who has made it without the help of a man. To be in charge of my emotions and actions because even though I never learned what love is supposed to be like, I have been through enough to know what it is not. Learning it the most difficult way possible made me into the woman I am today — and I would never change a thing.

Sincerely,

Your daughter — whoever she is.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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