In a scenario that happens to many couples, Valter Viglietti poses the question: “What would you do?”
After several hours reading posts about philosophy, love, sexuality and stuff (mostly on this website), the following scenario came to my mind. I thought it could inspire readers to share their opinions.
Imagine a man and a woman, in their late 20s. They’re still young, they’ve had several experiences, but they don’t fully know who they are or what they want yet. They meet, they like each other, they fall in love. They feel a strong attraction, the passion is pretty intense, they sincerely love each other, and they have lots of fun together. After a while, they decide to marry. Partly it’s because they feel so good together, partly because people around them slightly push them toward marriage, and partly because “that’s what people in love does”.
At the wedding, they both feel elated and excited. All the parents and friends look at them, and they see an happy, loving couple, that is going to last.
♦◊♦
Fast forward five years.
The passion has quite vanished (after all, if experience wasn’t proof enough, even science tells us that falling in love is “designed” to last two or three years, tops). They still make love, but it’s usually lukewarm. They still feel affection for each other, but the relationship has slowly faded into a routine.
They had a child. They didn’t plan for it, but she got pregnant and they decided to keep the baby.
They both feel vaguely dissatisfied. They are not really unhappy, but they aren’t happy anymore, either. Mostly they try to ignore their own discomfort, keeping busy; he pursues his career and works long hours, she works part-time and tends to the baby.
One day, one of the spouses meets someone, a friend of friends, or a colleague. There’s a good feeling, they get along well, they become friends. There’s some awkward flirting, but this spouse is honest and straight, there’s no room for cheating. (Is this happening to him or her? It doesn’t matter, because it could happen to both.)
After a while, this spouse realizes they have an amazing affinity, a deep bond, something never experienced before. This new person could very well be his or her soul mate. Being with this person could bring an extraordinary level of happiness, a union that usually happens just once in a lifetime—if ever.
I think that, so far, this scenario can be common. It might even describe many couples nowadays. Sooner or later, it may happen to you.
Of course, at this, point the problem is: “What to do next?”
The person who has just fallen in love is good hearted and would like to do the “right thing”—but there’s no way to make everybody happy. Whatever the choice, somebody will suffer.
- Staying in the marriage? This means feeling even unhappier, knowing that the chance to be happy and fulfilled would be lost; becoming bitter and resentful—and that’s not a good environment to raise a child. This saves the marriage, but the relationship between the spouses will likely go downhill.
- Leaving the marriage? The new couple will probably be happy, but the broken marriage left behind could be a shadow over their happiness. The spouse left will be crushed; the child will feel he’s “losing” a parent, and he will feel abandoned or shaken.
- Having an affair? This might seem the lesser of evil (keeping the marriage and having the soul mate). But it creates more problems that it solves: the marriage becomes a farce, the new couple cannot have all the time, intimacy and dedication they would like.
What this person should do?
What a good man would do?
Can you see other possible choices, apart from the three listed above?
Whatever your opinion is, can you accept it is just one of the possible choices, and it’s coming from—or at least influenced by—some kind of social construct?
♦◊♦
Some points to consider:
- We usually think in term of “right” or “wrong”; we want to do the right thing, and that should mean that everybody involved is happy or—at least—not hurt. But often it’s just not possible.
- We then could think about the best possible outcome, or the least damaging one. In other words, thinking in terms of what could be better or less worse, a continuum of possibilities, instead of a “black or white” attitude.
- Besides, what looks right to someone, might look wrong (or worse) to someone else. I’m a relativist: I believe there’s no absolute, universal good or bad. Moral values are set or shaped by the culture we’re living in; different cultures may have different values.
- One of the issues between genders is they often have a different set of values; hence their own “right” or “wrong” may not be the same.
- Lastly, while sacrificing oneself might seem a good and noble thing to do, we have to remember that a gloomy person makes the others miserable. We can give only what we have, thus only taking care of our own happiness allows us to give it back. While sacrifice is sometimes required, it’s often a double-edged sword.
Please add your own answer to the question “What would you do?” in the comments.
—Photo yaketyyakyak / Flickr
@Maria. “If it happened to me, I’d talk to my husband about the feelings I’m having.”
Yes, that seems the most reasonable thing to do – as you and someone else pointed out.
Communication, communication, communication. 8)
I quite agree with everything else you said, especially this: “noone should give up on their happiness” 🙂
Hi Valter.. I’m Argentinian so I understand what you said somewhere that “being in love” with someone is not the same as “loving” someone. My husband has a close male friend who was married and has 2 kids. He separated last year to go after a coworker he was having feelings for – good thing he didn’t cheat, though he didn’t really give his wife a chance either. He literally started going out with this woman the day after he left the house/home he had shared with his family.Turns out he and his new partner split about a month ago..… Read more »
@Maria. “being in love” with someone is not the same as “loving” someone.
God bless the latin-based languages. 😉
@Maria: DUH! What did they expect?
Everybody expects to be happy together, and their love will last.
Spouses do that, lovers do that. Passion makes us blind.
@Maria: Too liberal or too naive?
I’d say, “Very honest”. Flings could happen to anybody, so they openly acknowledged it.
I’d add that saying “It will never happen to me/us”, THAT’S naive! 😉
Hi! I’m new here so even if it’s been a few days, I just found this post. If it happened to me, I’d talk to my husband about the feelings I’m having. I believe that although this third person might seem to be my soul mate, it’s my relationship to my husband and he himself that deserves a chance. Who knows? Perhasps we could fall in love all over again or put an end to a pointless relationship. Another outcome is that I might just find that he’s having feelings for someone else as well! Personally, I didn’t have a… Read more »
IF everything stated in this hypothetical is 100% true, then probably the best outcome involves dissolving the marriage. If the other partner (who has not found a life-mate) is also dissatisfied to some degree, and they have a child, the adult thing to do is discuss the situation and come up with a solution that is best for the child. Having an affair will usually result in negative emotions that will only be to the detriment of the child. Similarly, making pretend that the “life mate” has not been found will resign one of the partners to a potential lifetime… Read more »
@john hall: “IF everything stated in this hypothetical is 100% true” Well, since it’s 100% fictional.. of course it’s 100% hypothetically true! 😆 @john hall: “I am concerned about how often this situation actually arises.” Since over 50% of people cheat (both genders), and about 50% of marriages in America end in divorce, I’d say that’s pretty likely. I’m happy that Helen Fisher’s research did find people still in love after years. I never said the contrary; I know it happens. But looking around and reading statistics, I’d say it doesn’t happen often. @john hall: “So how is it that… Read more »
Fascinating article, Valter, excellent food for thought, exactly because it is a common scenario, one we are familiar with as we all have a friend or relative going through this, or it may touch some of us personally. And when that happens, one has to choose one or other of the three proposed options. All of them imperfect, all of them painful to a good person with a conscience, a heart, and a desire for happiness. In a perfect world, people would not get married because family or society pushes them to; they would not get married too young and/or… Read more »
Thank you Pat, yours is the kind of comment I was looking for: thoughtful, inquiring, open, sparking ideas.
Not just stating clichés or spewing old stereoypes.
All of you decided it’s the man who’s found a new soul-mate. Why? 😯 The article has been written (on purpose) to be gender-neutral. I even stated “Is this happening to him or her? It doesn’t matter, because it could happen to both.” Did you read it? And, nowadays, it’s quite common for women finding themselves in the scenario above. We know divorces are chosen by women more than men. So, why your POV has been exscusively man-centered? Was it because of the opening picture? It was actually misleading and it has been changed, as you can see. Now, since… Read more »
Oy, mate, my comment was made to be gender neutral on purpose. Did I mess it up somewhere and add a ‘he’ without also mentioning ‘she’? I hope not. Sadly I think most people would have differing opinions about a man with this issue rather than a woman, cuz everyone knows that women all want monogamy and men all want to sleep around. Duh. *sarcasm* I think this is linked with the article about the myths associated with an open relationship. With just a few tweaks it could become the myths associated with a monogamous relationship. As with that article,… Read more »
Sorry Heather, I was answering first to the previous comments, making that mistake right.
Of course your comment has been neutral, and I’ll reply to it soon.
@Heather: “Sadly I think most people would have differing opinions about a man with this issue rather than a woman”
Precisely. That’s why my focus on gender-neutrality, and my correction in the comment above.
One of my goal was to make gender prejudices and double standards emerge.
Yeah it was a bit silly of me to call myself out, but I couldn’t help it. Every once in awhile you gotta be a bit silly. 😉 And your comment about marriage being a starting point as opposed to reaching a point is so very spot on. Personal values vs personal fulfilment is such an interesting and complicated discussion. Are you happier sticking doing what is expected because you don’t want to be ridiculed (or in this case, perhaps feel guilty), or are you happier doing what you want, but faced with society’s lack of acceptance. It’s a give… Read more »
@Heather: “Personal values vs personal fulfilment is such an interesting and complicated discussion.”
Yes it is. It’s a main subject in the balance of life.
Both extremes (all about duty or all about own happiness) are unbalanced and dangerous.
And you can’t have a rule that’s always good 100% of the time. Life is a flux. We have to consider both sides, day by day, case by case.
PS: Silly is ok. I love being silly myself. It’s a good antidote to my serious and somber side. 😉
I was wondering if that question would come up. Of course in popular fiction the woman who pursues her happiness is doing right and the man is doing wrong. Practically speaking the woman would take the child with her too, meaning that wrecking the first marriage would be low cost for her and high cost for him.
Well, if we’re going to tackle the “men Vs. women” fight in this thread, I’m afraid we won’t get out alive. 😉
For the sake of simplicity, let’s just suppose man and woman have the same chances here.
Life-long monogamous relationships are not for everyone. It is unfortunate that our culture pushes this ideal onto everyone, men and women, regardless of what someone actually values and wants in life. My suggestion would be the same as Julie Gillis, actually. Communication, communication, communication. It might not be comfortable, and it will almost certainly be painful, but really throughout a relationship both people (or more) have to express what they want and expect from their partner(s). And before you do that you have to figure out what you, yourself, want. The complication, of course, is when it comes to children.… Read more »
@Heather: “Life-long monogamous relationships are not for everyone” Exactly. Besides that, you cannot know in advance. Because life is always changing (and people as well), partners cannot know who they will be and what they will feel in ten years. People thinks marriage is a reaching point, while it actually is a start: nobody really knows where it will lead. And anybody who’s sure he/she knows, is delusional. People like Rapses will keep their vows no matter what; but often this results in a lifeless and arid relationships, where nothing alive remains: the skeleton is still there, the soul has… Read more »
First of all I want to mark today as a day I agree (in part) with Rapses. If he was madly in love with the first woman and that faded, it’s quite probably the passion will fade with this new love. Then perhaps he’ll find a third soul mate. So I don’t think that’s a good reason on its own to leave a marriage. All things being content, consistent (no other outstanding huge issues, just his boredom), I don’t think that “soulmate” is a great reason to leave another person you claim to have loved. It gets down to pragmatism… Read more »
@Julie Gillis: “If he was madly in love with the first woman and that faded, it’s quite probably the passion will fade with this new love.” I tried to make obvious the new (hypothetical) relationship has much sounder basis than the first marriage (maybe I failed). There’s a huge difference between a teenage crush and a soul-mate union (and I don’t mean “soul-mate” in a romantic sense, but in a deeper, more spiritual one). This was a pivotal point of my scenario: of course, if the new love is just a fling, there’s no point in breaking the marriage. I… Read more »
You painted the first scenario, not as a teen crush but people in their 20’s in love. I do know what you mean by “soul mate” but I don’t believe it as a reality. Certainly people can be more suited for each other but I do believe, sadly as it isn’t a very romantic way of looking at things but I believe it to be real, the information in the video I presented you with. That being said, if they have the ability to discuss and examine their unhappiness and determine nothing will change, then parting ways is perhaps best.… Read more »
@Julie Gillis: “I do know what you mean by “soul mate” but I don’t believe it as a reality.” So you never experienced it. Of course, that makes my scenario less effective (for you, the new one is just another crush). @Julie Gillis: “Loving someone through action even if you aren’t “feeling” things” Mhh. Maybe that can be productive (and sometimes it’s just working)… but I wouldn’t like being with a woman who says “I don’t feel anything for you anymore, but I will be your faithful companion nevertheless, because that’s my commitment”. 🙁 @Julie Gillis: “my guess is what… Read more »
I was quite clear it was a fiction. How can you have two soul mates? The phrase soul mate indicates one perfect person for you yes? This is why I don’t believe in soul mates. I think there are combinations of people who are far more suited for each other than other combinations. That, combined with the very powerful cocktail of love chemicals will certainly impress upon the person experiencing it that “this” is it. And maybe it is. Time will tell. Being in love is a feeling. Loving is an action. I would think it best to have a… Read more »
@Julie Gillis: “The phrase soul mate indicates one perfect person for you yes?” Not for me. That’s the romantic, idealized and mythical lover who’ll make you perfectly happy for ever. It’s as real as unicorns and the phenix. 🙄 As I said before, I’m not talking about the romantic myth (I’m actually quite un-romantic). I’m talking about a person who’s highly in tune with you on every level (intellectual, emotional, sexual, etc.), with whom you have a deep connection and sharing; a “soul to soul” relationship. It’s not “perfect” (nobody is) and it doesn’t make you happy all the time;… Read more »
Valter you lost me at the word soulmate, which is commonly meant as the “one person who is totally connected to you for all time perfect person.” At least in the manner I’ve heard it. I have often heard it used as an excuse for one partner to move on to another partner better suited. While the partner may well be a better partner, it’s the hormones at the moment which extract a feeling of “OMG this is the one person for me I’ve never been so connected.” In your scenario, I’ve already answered that if he/she had a more… Read more »
@Julie Gillis: “Valter you lost me at the word soulmate” I understand you only heard and knew, until now, the “romantic myth” version, or as a pitiful excuse for changing partner. Let me assure you that “soul-mate” can have a very different meaning as well, quite spiritual and almost transcendental. Although it can be hormone-stirring, it isn’t stemming from hormones. But, if you don’t believe in soul, that meaning could be difficult to grasp. It seems to me that, just because that concept is “out of your radar”, you deny its possibility. @Julie Gillis: “I’d also advocate that people in… Read more »
I think that people who get married in their 20’s often truly believe they’ve met someone very special, actually. Many of them think it’s “the one.” Some may marry for societal purposes, but many haven’t learned how to think critically about why they might be feeling the way they are feeling. I can’t tell you the number of weddings I’ve been to of folks in their 20’s who use the word “soul-mate.” Well I can…pretty much every single one. If kids come along without asking, they should go back to school and learn about reproduction. Kids a few years after… Read more »
@Julie Gillis: “Well I can…pretty much every single one.” Yes, I know. Of course, most people marry believing the other one is just “the one” and it’s meant to be forever. Otherwise, they would lie with their vows. 😉 Despite this, we know what happens next. And good will and effort sometimes are not enough (though they are necessary to make thing works). It’s that many people just fool themselves, be the hormones or needs or hope or whatever. Sorry if I sounded patronizing. Didn’t mean to. But your response sounded to me like you were simply dismissing my concept… Read more »
As I said before, I’m not talking about the romantic myth (I’m actually quite un-romantic). I’m talking about a person who’s highly in tune with you on every level (intellectual, emotional, sexual, etc.), with whom you have a deep connection and sharing; a “soul to soul” relationship. The clarifying second sentence sounds exactly like the romantic myth to me. It seems you don’t know what I’m talking about (or you’re mistaking it), because you confuse it with passion and neurochemicals. As I said before, I don’t overestimate lust, hormones and endorphines: they make you feel fantastic and many mistake them… Read more »
@Marcus Williams: “The clarifying second sentence sounds exactly like the romantic myth to me.” Then I’m not able to explain the difference, and I better give up. Perhaps it’s something you get only when you have experienced it. Anyway, it’s not something new or that I made up; it’s actually pretty ancient. It’s just much less talked about than the widespread romantic cliché. @Marcus Williams: “It all comes from the same stuff.” IMO, it doesn’t. But I won’t try to convince you. @Marcus Williams: “my problem with the soulmate framework it that it tends to remove accountability” In my framework,… Read more »
It’s not necessarily a “he” remember 🙂
It’s a shame there’s no way to let the “in love” spouse go off and explore the new romantic relationship while retaining fidelity to the security and friendship with their married partner and child. At least not without “cheating”. It seems like the story suggests that there’s a division between the “in love” romantic love and the relationship as it develops.
@David Ede Byron: “there’s no way to let the “in love” spouse go off and explore” Well, in theory there is, as @pat commented below. It takes very mature, strong and open partners, though. @David Ede Byron: “It seems like the story suggests that there’s a division between the “in love” romantic love and the relationship as it develops.” Yes, in a sense there is. In most relationships and marriages, the “in love” phase (with all the passion and lust and craving each other, etc.) doesn’t last long. Scientific studies shows it last 2 to 3 years, tops. Then, it… Read more »
The best option for the man is to stay married and try to forget the new soul mate for the following reasons: 1) He has taken a marital vow to be with his wife till death does them apart. Breaking the marital vow with any fault on the part of wife is really bad. A man is as good as his word. It would hurt his wife, child and lower his esteem in society. 2) If the love for his wife did not last, how it can be guaranteed that the new love would last forever. 3) Leaving aside the… Read more »
Right on.
The grass is not greener on the other side. Stop imagining it is!
Michelle, while what you said is often true, sometimes you do find greener grass on another side.
Your point seems “All relationships are the same!”. Of course, they are not.
What if it were you meeting your true soul-mate?
Rapses, you changed (or disregarded) my scenario. Hence, your second point is moot. If you distort a scenario changing criterions into ones of your liking, you can claim whatever you want; it’s like playing a game and forging your own rules. I stated clearly (I hope I did) the first marriage was based on flimsy things like attraction, passion, and societal expectations. While the connection with the new soul-mate is based on a much higher compatibility and affinity. It happens easily to people who marry young and naive, and only much later they discover who they are and what they… Read more »
Once a person takes the martial vows in front of the society and God for whatever reason, he is accountable for it. If people violate their marital vows on finding somebody better, then it would cheapen marriage and create instability in the society which can never be good. A bad choice cannot lead to good results. It is same for either sex.
@Rapses: “It is same for either sex.”
Ok.
While I still think your POV is no more suitable to the society we’re living in now, at least I appreciate you don’t hold double standards (as many traditionalists do).
I have to say I agree with Rapses (bravo to you, Rapses). Men and women are accountable for the decisions they make (marriage), and the consequences of those decisions (children). Marriage vows are taken far too lightly in this day and age. Instead of telling Rapses his POV is unsuitable to today’s society, try thinking that this society has it wrong and more people should be thinking like him? Also, how can one consider the connection of true soul mates who have never lived together (clearly if one or both are stil in cohabitating marriages it is not possible)? It… Read more »
@GirlGlad4TheGMP: “try thinking that this society has it wrong and more people should be thinking like him?” People are as they are. No number of “shoulds” will never change that. A society doesn’t change because it “should”, but because it feels the need to change. Besides, any society has its own rules; you wouldn’t agree with society’s rules of 500, 1000 or 2000 years ago. And still 1) they seemed right at their time, 2) then people changed and broke those rules. Ergo, no rule or value is always “right” (think about men domination over women, just 100 years ago).… Read more »
He’s challenging the premise of your story which is perfectly acceptable in an answer. I would do the same thing. Besides which your own story helps do that. You say that the first couple fell in love. You also said that only lasts about 3 years. It is entirely reasonable to challenge the premise of “I found my one true love” on that basis. Who is to say? It is unknowable. Maybe your science predicts again that the new love will last 3 years.
@David Ede Byron: “He’s challenging the premise of your story which is perfectly acceptable in an answer.” I disagree. If you’re changing my question, then you’re not answering to my question anymore, but a question on your own. Following that path, I could say “I believe true lovers have a secret key into their left thumb, and the new lover has to pass the left thumb test first”… because I say so. But it wouldn’t make sense. Regarding the rest of your comment, it seems to me you’re mistaking “falling in love” with “love”. Alas, (English) language is not helping,… Read more »