A Man’s Commitment to His Personal Truth

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I challenge you to find a man who has not been trained (consciously or unconsciously) as a young boy, to sneak. To find a man who didn’t at some point in his young life try to get away with a sneaky little plan because it was the easy way ….it was fun ….mischievous ….it was normalized ….or it was necessary for survival.

Sneaking things and avoiding the truth is the way things are often done in our culture. Especially by the males. And no one talks about it. We are generally taught to believe that you can’t have what you want, so you better get used to doing what you need to while sneaking what you really want.

How does this set us up for intimate relationships as adult men? Men who want to step up in our commitment to ourselves, our partners, and how we are living in all realms of life?

It sets us up POORLY. Why?

The main problem is this: We don’t even know that we’re sneaking and lying.

Most of us have been at it for so long that we’re desensitized to our own subversive behaviors. It also doesn’t help that our bros (I use “bros” in place of unconscious male friends and acquaintances) generally reinforce and justify most of this behavior, as questioning it would force them to question their own shadowy intentions and actions. How likely is it for a man to find the motivation to face his shadows on his own without being pushed by a partner or close friend? Not likely!

Sneaking pornography, masturbation, habitually checking out other women, self-medicating with nicotine, booze and drugs, overly relying on work as a scapegoat for not being available … all of it falls into the category of sneaking if it is unconsciously used to disconnect with our reality, our family, or ourselves, we tell lies to cover the whole truth … and we’re not able to confront ourselves about it.

This type of behavior is one of the primary reasons for relational disconnect between partners. It really all goes back to the mother wound, but that’s another vein altogether.

Committed relational practice (also known as sacred relationship, aka, having a partner who isn’t afraid to call you on your bullshit and still love you,) is one of the only things that can motivate a modern man to commit to confronting and shedding these unconscious habits of untruth, sneaking and replaying little boy patterns—as men.

So what is our reward for this commitment to the Truth? For slaying this Dragon? Our return for transparency in our actions and communications? Our prize for fearlessly and proactively addressing the underlying themes that we know create separation in our most intimate relationships?

1. God-dess given intimacy! Security, sensuality and sacredness that really is the holy grail of intimate partnership.
2. You get to tune into your highest truth and make decisions without unconsciously molding, manipulating the truth or worrying about other people. No more smoke and mirrors! You will feel free!
3. Whether you are a parent or not, you get the satisfaction of modeling this behavior and perceptual skill-set for the generations who will follow you as well as your peers who are ready for a change too.
4. A grounded, seasoned, patient, and light-hearted embodiment that is rare in our world today.
5. Self-Trust. Trust of your instincts, your impulses, and your needs. Trust that they are all connected to your highest good and the good of those around you (or ‘pono’ as we say here in Hawaii).

As men, when we can get to a place of readiness to do this work there is one essential piece: We must be prepared to feel completely unsupported by our community, everything we read and watch …except for our partner—if they are able to meet us in that place. We live in a culture that often worships and encourages manipulation and immaturity. True role models for deep masculine maturity are rare. In this sense of aloneness, we can know that we are moving in the right direction.

As we begin to strip away the layers and see all of this, we will most likely be overtaken by shame at one point or another. Shame over our past unconsciousness. Shame can and will sabotage this process. Shame is the assumption that you are bad because of something bad you’ve done, as opposed to guilt, which is simply that we’ve done something bad. It will close you up and you won’t even see it happen. Your defenses will flare, you will be completely justified in your story, your anger, your reasoning for staying just the same as you have always been.

For these reasons, intentionally setting up support structure for yourself is the next essential piece. Seek high-quality therapy.   Participate in men’s work. Regularly spend time alone in nature, where you can really hear your deep longings and truths.

Whether in a men’s circle or one on one coaching, you will be guided into your emotions and supported to explore things that may otherwise make you want to run the other way. In these contexts, you will conduct conversations consciously, in a sacred context. Here, even if a man doesn’t see things from your perspective, he will most likely allow you to have your process without jumping all over you for breaking the bro-code, as would probably happen at the local bar with a friend.

So take your time. Trust that there is another way, even if you can’t see it yet. Be relentlessly raw with yourself. Ask yourself the tough questions:

• Am I really clear with every person and situation in my life?
• How do I hold myself accountable to my highest good?
• Who helps me to do that?
• Where in my life am I experiencing a disconnect?
• How am I contributing to that?
• Where am I taking the easy way out?
• How might I be stealing from life?
• Which of the above questions brings up fear?

Whichever questions bring up fear, begin there. Boldly go where there is fear. Take responsibility for your actions and recognize that they just need some cleaning up. Continue stepping up. Through the guilt and shame. Through your conditioning. Into your TRUTH.

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Trevor is a men’s coach and creator of The Call to Balance, a men’s circle and nature adventure on Oahu, Hawaii. He has worked one-on-one with clients for 15 years, bridging the physical, metaphysical and nature to create a space where deep personal transformation can occur. Connect with him at TreverSpring.com.

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Photo: GettyImages