A Simple Story of Breaking Up

Breaking up made everything dramatic, reflective, and strangely healing to me. Even choosing the featured image of this article made me think a lot — such a beautiful image when the couple seems to love each other yet living in a totally different realm.

I broke up with the boyfriend that had accompanied me for almost 4 years. I have had the intention to write down the story for a long time, but it was difficult to put all emotions in a readable and relatable way. I need to think about what to reveal, and what to omit.

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It was a summer night. After going to his concert (he is a musician), I took a bath and thought about things happened recently. I don’t know why I suddenly made the decision of breaking up with him. Probably I’ve been suppressing the thought for a long time.

I never had faith in our relationship and had always thought we were going to break up one day; it is just a matter of time. My future never includes marriage, but his does. We were just trying hard to ignore our difference.

The other reason for the breakup was more complicated. Although it seemed minor, it is the last straw from my perspective. Simply put, I think he had been too stingy. For example, he wouldn’t want to go to an exhibition with me because of the transportation and entrance fee. When we got out and shared fees, I felt he always calculated the amount in an advantageous way for himself.

The thing that made me struggle was that we communicated on this and he had improved greatly. He said he didn’t mean to take advantage of me; he’s just frugal and thoughtless and he would think more and be more generous.

Improvement didn’t solve the problem, because my mentality has already changed over time. I started to be selfish with him because of his past behaviors. Taking the concert as an instance, I thought I would be happy to support him and buy his concert ticket. However, memories with him kept me thinking “Why should I pay for the ticket and spend time going to his concert?”

I didn’t want to think this way, but I couldn’t control myself. And I hated the way I became. I asked my friends if I were that selfish, and they said no. So I started to blame him for making me such a person.

That’s why I texted him and told him I wanted to break up.

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Maybe we could talk about this problem another day? He calmly asked first.

I hated the way he sent the message. He always thinks several talks can solve the problem, but it can’t without a deep reflection and exploration of how this could be fixed.

No, I said, I don’t think it could be fixed after a talk tomorrow. It’s the same story every time.

After a long process of his trying to get me back, he texted,

I thought we were always happy together despite some quarrels. I didn’t know I disappointed you to this extent. I’m really sorry. I just hope I could have the last chance to improve this relationship.

I was not able to be convinced anyway at that moment and considered it better to not see each other for a while. During this while, we could both rethink our relationship.

…

I seemed decisive but became hesitant when being alone. People told me there’s no such thing as a temporary breakup. A breakup means a breakup. But I still let him message me and let myself ponder the possibility of getting back together.

I often wondered if things would become easier if he didn’t ask for getting back together, or if we were both more determined to recover the relationship. Being hesitant and struggling in between is really the most painful in my opinion. There were times I thought it best to just break up, and I listed reasons why we aren’t suitable for each other. Yet I could change my mind in the next minute, telling myself I don’t care about these reasons. Why are they important if the breakup made me so heartbroken and painful? Shouldn’t I just follow my heart?

…

At a random, magical moment, I finally learned to let go. Although feeling a bit empty inside, I managed work and life well. My parents didn’t even notice we broke up. I saw him handle everything smoothly and thought maybe we would be fine without each other. We had a last conversation and settled the break-up.

I cried hard after the conversation. It wasn’t easy, but I felt strangely relaxed. Now, I could slowly digest all emotions after the breakup on my own, and heal myself gradually. It’s a long way to go, but I will get through it.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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