A Simple Trick to Argue Less and Feel Closer to Your Partner

I’ve been writing for Medium for almost five years, and this will be the shortest and most straightforward piece I’ve written. It’s as simple as this.

The next time your partner starts any serious conversation with you, interrupt briefly at the beginning to ask, “Is this one of those times where you just want me to listen, or do you want my help with something?” Imagining yourself as the listener, you may find this suggestion belittling, perhaps even condescending.

You may think that you should know what your partner needs in any particular situation without him or her having to say it out loud. I identify with that because it is precisely what I thought through forty years of struggle in intimate relationships, romantic and otherwise. After all, I’m a psychotherapist. I’m professionally trained to discern what people need. What helped me let go of this particular bit of hubris was the realization that I got it wrong way more times than I got it right. Most often, when I thought my partner needed my help with something, she often got angry at me because she just needed me to listen.

When I thought my partner just needed me to listen, she often got angry at me because she actually needed my help. Think back over some of the repetitive conflicts in your relationship. I admit that my guesses were wrong more than half the time. How are you doing? How much would your life be improved if you could move half of the times you got it wrong to the success column?

Imagining yourself as the speaker, you may think that your partner should know what you need without your having to ask for it. Many of you experienced the results of this particular bad idea last week as you opened a series of gifts that disappointed you yet again. The last time anyone successfully anticipated all of your unspoken wants and needs was in the birth canal, the moment before you were born. Then, you were born, and for the first time, you were challenged to express your needs to another person. I’ve always thought this is one of the reasons infants cry at birth: “I’m cold!” “Those lights are too bright!” “Why doesn’t somebody figure this out and take care of me!”

There are at least a couple of benefits to starting every significant conversation by asking how you can best be helpful. First, you are more likely to get it right and actually be helpful. Second, it’s likely that your partner has also not thought this through. Most people start speaking without considering this question. They just have something on their minds and want to talk about it. Having someone ask how they can be helpful is a wonderful invitation to think through what kind of help you are looking for.

For the therapists reading this, I begin every consultation session with a potential new patient with these carefully chosen words: “How can I help?” I don’t ask, “What brings you here?” because that is an invitation to download every concern they have without thinking about which concerns they would like my help with.

That’s all, it really is that simple. As my mother often said, “There are no guarantees in life.” Notwithstanding, if you do this consistently in your relationship, you will likely have less conflict and feel significantly closer to your partner. It’s a new year, and the days are getting longer as light returns to the world. What the heck, give it a shot and see how it goes.

Excertped, in part, from Hidden in Plain Sight: How Men’s Fears of Women Shape Their Intimate Relationships. Lasting Impact Press.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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