Sometimes it takes a few swear words and threat of bodily harm from your best friend to allow gratitude in.
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I don’t absorb compliments and gratitude well. That’s not to say I don’t appreciate them or that they don’t bring me joy in the moment. My difficulty comes from truly letting the gratitude of others sink in where I believe it myself; where it becomes the dominant internal narrative.
It felt so incredible reading those words written about me. So why were the few negative evaluations the ones that were seeping their way into my brain?
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For example, last week I had a unique opportunity to facilitate a leadership conference for collegiate co-eds. Throughout the conference, everyone is encouraged to share “warm and fuzzy” notes with one another which are not to be read until the participants returns home. Also, participants complete an overall evaluation form that specifically asks about the lead facilitator’s effectiveness.
It just so happens my evaluations arrived the same day as my “warm and fuzzy” notes. Ninety-eight percent of the evaluations were glowing–generous expressions of gratitude for my efforts. Only a handful of evaluations spoke negatively of my contributions. Furthermore, the large envelope full of detailed “warm and fuzzy” notes were filled with overwhelming gratitude and words of support. It felt so incredible reading those words written about me. So why were the few negative evaluations the ones that were seeping their way into my brain?
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The expletives and threats weren’t what woke me up in those moments; I know that. It was the underlying sincerity and firm, tough-love belief J. had in me that told me I was worth being appreciated and it was about time I listen to it.
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I’ve known my best friend, J., since nursery school. We have a close relationship built on years of shared experience. We know when to be serious, and we know when to be downright foolish.
In high school, we both ran track and field. Despite consistent success on the track, I was constantly worried about my performance and the races ahead. I would ignore the compliments and gratitude from teammates in favor of my own negative self-talk. It was only when J. would dish out a string of expletives and threat of bodily harm that I finally realized my priorities were all wrong. I needed to allow gratitude in–allow myself to absorb and believe it.
The expletives and threats weren’t what woke me up in those moments; I know that. It was the underlying sincerity and firm, tough-love belief J. had in me that told me I was worth being appreciated and it was about time I listen to it. As I would go on to college without him, I would often call upon his voice and that same firm, tough-love dialogue to make me hear, accept, and absorb gratitude.
With adult responsibilities and differing careers, J. and I now live several states away from one another. Without his regular reminders, the voice has faded over the years, but recently it has returned. I can hear him:
Scott, don’t even begin f***ing telling me you’re going to ignore all the genuine and heartfelt s**t these students had to say. You’ve gotta be s**tting me that you’re even considering giving those few negative evaluations the GD time of day. Are you going to force me to kick your sorry a**, or are you going to listen to what the majority of these motherf**ers have to say? Not just listen, but believe it? Because they took time out of their damn daily schedule to write you a kind note of gratitude, and I’ll be GD’d if I’m going to let you disrespect them by not letting it sink into your thick skull.
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My deep gratitude to all those who took time to express their own gratitude. I am truly working to not just hear it but absorb it–believe it. And my deepest gratitude to J.’s re-awakened voice, dirty-mouthed as it may be. If not for you, I would not be the man I am today.
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Image credit: ralphunden/flickr